Chapter 49: My future, my true intentions.

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Translator: Soafp

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[Maya PoV]

[Let’s spend the remaining time as an ordinary married couple.]

When Kazunari said that, I cried.

Of course, not in front of him. I knew that if I cried in front of Kazunari, it would probably rekindle his hatred.

Kazunari must still love me, I'm sure of it. Even though I know it's a convenient interpretation, it’s because he loves me that the feeling of betrayal becomes so unforgivable. That kind of convenient thinking occupies my mind.

That’s why, when Kazunari tried to forget everything about me, I was simply flustered. I was scared. I was sad.

Less than three weeks remain. If, during this time, Kazunari’s feelings could lean more towards ‘love’ than ‘anger’… Maybe he would change his mind even after the promised period has passed.

To achieve that, I realized right away that it’s important to be an ordinary couple for the remaining time.

A couple that loves and is loved normally.

But how exactly should I do that? Even after marrying Kazunari, I kept making excuses and meeting Naoki, so I couldn’t immediately imagine such a couple’s life.

After pondering on my own, as someone who completely lacks Kazunari’s trust, I want to avoid repeating the same mistakes or heading in an even stranger direction.

“What should I do for you, Kazunari…?”

I asked him that. But, as expected, the answer that came back was:

“…Honestly, I don't know.”

It seemed that even Kazunari couldn't imagine it.

I felt more ashamed of myself than ever. I thought I was sinful. The reason we couldn't become an ordinary couple that loves and is loved was solely because of me.

If there is a chance for such a sinful person like me to be forgiven, then it doesn't matter about me. At the very least, I just want to make sure Kazunari doesn't feel any more discomfort, and if possible, I want him to spend his days with a smile. All I can do is devote myself entirely to Kazunari.

I can only think of returning some love to Kazunari.

My chest ached intensely. Is this because of the guilt that still lingers within me? Am I thinking this way because I want to erase my guilt?

Is it because of the guilt that I can think in such a humble manner?

I don't understand myself.

Then, I suddenly recalled what I said earlier.

“Of course, I feel guilt. I want to make amends if I can. But if it was just that, I wouldn't be enduring this much pain to stay by your side.”

It’s strange. When I speak impulsively, I can declare it so fluently. But when I try to think a little deeper, why do I become so unsure?

And why don't I think that a person like me, who's so unreliable, could ever gain Kazunari's trust and make him happy?

Am I just acting this way because I don't want Kazunari or Mizuki to think that I'm a worthless piece of trash?

In the end, am I just acting for my own sake, not for Kazunari's?

How much love is there in that?