Chapter 44: Sensing something.

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Translator: Soafp

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The smoking room isn't equipped with any comfortable seating.

I stood opposite Mari-san, separated by an ashtray, and lit the cigarette in my mouth with a cheap lighter.

Taking a deep drag, I pondered what to talk about next. It felt a bit awkward; I had no idea what to say.

“…Did you also try quitting smoking at some point, Mari-san?”

In the end, what came out was a question that seemed safe but wasn't really. I regretted asking it almost immediately, but it was too late.

“…Yes, but now there's no need for me to quit anymore.”

Mari-san's answer didn't seem offended, thankfully, but her true feelings were unclear. Somehow, I felt that trying too hard to be considerate would be more offensive.

“I see. I'm in the same boat.”

In both relationships and marriage, it’s natural to be considerate of your partner. Living together means you have to avoid things the other person dislikes.

But no matter how much you try to behave in a way that your partner doesn't dislike, if they do something that disregards that consideration, there's bound to be a backlash eventually. Maybe that's why I feel such a strong urge to smoke.

“…Kazunari-san.”

“Yes?”

“When you smoke, do you ever… think of anything?”

“…”

Mari-san's question was vague and hard to answer. I wished she would be more specific.

“Do you mean things from the past?”

“…Do you recall your feelings from when you were happy?”

Regrettably, asking her to clarify was a mistake.

It was clear that Mari-san was still caught in the past, trapped by memories.

I couldn't criticize her for it; I was probably the same.

Humans are inherently greedy.

At first, just loving someone from the heart makes you happy.

Next, you find happiness in being loved by that person.

And eventually, you become numb to both loving and being loved.

That's why you can neglect the one you vowed to love and end up cheating on them.

Though, I can’t even delude myself into thinking Maya had ever loved me.

“…It's strange, isn't it? How the feeling of happiness fades over time.”

──While feelings of unhappiness seem to grow over time.

I didn't say that part out loud, but I could tell from Mari-san’s expression that she understood exactly what I was thinking.

Perhaps not being with the one you love is better than being betrayed.

“…Do you still love her, Kazunari-san?”

“…”

Mari-san's quiet question was simple enough that, if anyone else had asked it, I could have immediately denied it with

“Of course not.”

But that was if anyone else had asked.

Instead, I took another deep drag on my cigarette, avoiding the question altogether.

I couldn't stand the thought of myself almost giving in to a moment of weakness.