Chapter 46: What are you looking for?

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Translator: Soafp

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I parted ways with Mari-san as if running away, and walked home, lost in thought.

I was scared.

I admit that I still have some affection for Maya. But I believed that the remaining affection was a trivial amount, barely a sliver.

And yet…

It might have only felt that way because the immense anger and hatred overshadowed the affection. Mari-san's words made me realize that again.

If I end up divorcing Maya, and if over time the anger diminishes, and the hatred fades…

If the affection I have left for Maya turns out to be immensely large, then…

──I would be broken.

[Do you dislike women who smoke?]

It seemed that Mari-san, who had asked me that, was also bewildered by the unexpected magnitude of her lingering affection. The true depth of the emotional wound isn’t measured by the sorrow of betrayal but by the scale of the remaining affection.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Forgetting everything about Maya would be the best solution, if only it were possible.

[Even if you forget your memories, the wounds won't heal. If the memories that distract from the pain disappear, only the pain will remain.]

Recalling those words Mari-san had said before, which might have been uttered in a moment of vulnerability, I arrived home, grappling with the injustice of being manipulated by the one who had been unfaithful.

“…Welcome back.”

Maya greeted me. She had stopped saying unnecessary things because of my recent attitude.

But instead of anger, it only amplified the fear I had towards Maya.

Without knowing exactly what to do, I replied.

“…Yeah, I'm home.”

If my current state is one where ‘the anger is so great that the affection seems minuscule,' then there's no point in lashing out at Maya.

Before disguising it with insults, I need to determine the absolute size of my affection for Maya, not just relatively.

Feeling uncharacteristically weak, I found myself speaking up.

“! …Dear…”

Maya, startled, was on the verge of tears.

──What's wrong with me? Am I too weak? Have I forgotten the humiliation of being cheated on?

While thinking that…

──It can't be helped. I loved her so deeply, truly loved Maya.

Maybe it's my bad habit of making excuses for myself.

This can't go on.

With that thought, I headed directly to the living room/dining area. As usual, despite knowing I wouldn't eat, Maya had prepared dinner.

When I sat down at my designated seat without changing, Maya looked even more surprised.

How can I be saved? I couldn’t find any answers in my self-questioning, so I bit into the prepared pork cutlet.

I almost spat it out again, but today I could manage to eat it.

“…D-dear….are you okay?”

There was no need to answer Maya's worried question. She could see it for herself.

“…Y-Yeah…”

At that moment, overcome with emotion, Maya collapsed, sobbing. Whether it was genuine or not, I couldn't understand why she was so happy.

But…

If the anger from being cheated on can make great affection seem small, then maybe the guilt from cheating can make small affection seem large.

Surely, Maya right now──

I thought, surprisingly calmly.