Chapter 42: I’ve decided.

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Translated and Edited by: luccayn.

Common Honorifics:
-san: A polite suffix, but not excessively formal.
-kun: A common suffix among friends and younger people.
-chan: A common suffix among people you're close with, mostly used for feminine nicknames and girls, since it's cutesy and childlike.
-senpai: A common suffix and noun used to address or refer to one's older or more senior colleagues in a school, workplace, dojo, or sports club.

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Michiru’s POV

July 27th.

First day of summer vacation. Spent the day lazing around at home, nothing special happened.

All day long, I couldn’t stop thinking about Shinji. Even now, as I write this diary entry, my thoughts are on him. Ever since the day Saori and I had our hearts broken, I haven’t spoken to him once. Not knowing what’s going on with him only makes my anxiety grow.

Every time I think of sending him a message on LINE, I freeze up, terrified at the thought he might have blocked me. And even if he hasn't, I have no idea what to say to get a response from him. The thought of being ignored is unbearable, so I end up doing nothing at all.

I'm scared of losing him, so I don't reach out. What am I supposed to do with this weakness inside me—the same weakness that Kou and everyone else carries, too?

August 1st.

Worked a shift as a race queen.

Each time the car rankings changed, I had to manually switch the plates, and every time, the cameraman would snap a shot of my backside.

Holding a parasol, striking poses—I don't really get it. Do guys really go for this sort of thing? I mean, I don't mind the attention, but it all seems a bit strange.

They call it “fan service,” but I'm still in high school, you know? And if they're going for gravure-style shots, then at least aim for my boobs. My boobs! Come on.

…What? You're saying there's nothing there to shoot?

I'll kill you.

August 6th.

At the beach, where I went with Kakeru and my cousin Shinobu, I spotted Shinji cooking yakisoba at a beach house.

Honestly, his thin frame didn't suit that aloha shirt at all. Actually, now that I think about it, aloha shirts just don't go with Shinji's vibe.

He was wearing a black cap, a blue open aloha shirt, navy swim trunks, and beach sandals. No matter how you looked at it, it just didn't fit his image.

Around him were a bunch of guys who looked pretty intimidating. I think they're called tekiya? Shinji, cooking with a cheerful smile among them, looked so radiant.

Too nervous to approach him, I ended up eating ramen at the beach house next door. It was a super salty, overcooked salt ramen. Really tasty, though.

But seriously—Shinji in an aloha shirt? I can't stop laughing.

August 10th.

I spotted Shinji handing out tissues at a cellphone shop in town. The uniform vest suited him better than that aloha shirt from before, but even so, I couldn't bring myself to go over and talk to him.

I kept watching him from the sidewalk across the street as I walked by, so Kakeru seemed to notice, too. He asked, “Sis, is that guy's face really that much to look at?”

I'm not obsessed with looks or anything. Really.

August 17th.

I went to the pool with Kou, Miki, Kokomi, and Kanae. Kokomi's chest was as impressive as ever. I believe a woman's body should be all about balance, but seeing her makes me lose confidence in myself.

Does Shinji prefer girls with a larger chest? The thought fills me with insecurity. If he's the kind of person who chooses breasts over faces, it honestly crushes me.

So, when some guys tried to hit on us, I brushed them off pretty hard. Oh, and Kou stepped in to help me. Serves them right, those idiots.

August 20th.

We all went to the summer festival together.

As I half-expected, Shinji was grilling skewers. There he was, inside a stall labeled “Yoko,” grilling yakitori with complete focus.

They looked tasty, so I couldn't help buying some. But Shinji, whether he was too busy or just didn't want to talk, only said, “Buy ten skewers,” and didn't say anything else.

For the first time, Ko actually seemed to care about how I felt. I appreciated it, but realized that something felt off, and I felt incredibly guilty for it.

By the way, Shinji wasn't wearing his aloha shirt this time.

August 27th.

How can I get a conversation with Shinji? Maybe it's because I'm overthinking things. I'm not exactly smart, so thinking about it doesn't help.

I really just want to see him.

August 28th.

Today ended with nothing but me being stuck in my thoughts again. Left on read on LINE, too. Feeling a bit down.

August 29th.

Another day of worrying. The end.

August 30th.

I don't know what to do anymore. But I can't hold back any longer. If I can't talk to Shinji, I might just die.

August 31st.

I've decided.

I won't hesitate anymore. It was a mistake from the start for someone as selfish as me to act with anyone else in mind.

I'm going to cling to Shinji. I'll absolutely cling to him. If I see him at the station, I'll cling to him. In class, if he looks free, I'll cling to him. I'll even listen in on his conversations with friends, and if he doesn't answer me, I'll still cling to him.

… And with that, I'll gather all the courage I need.

The courage to tell everyone that I'll never go back to who I was before.

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