Chapter 38: We were abnormal.

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Translated and Edited by: luccayn.

Common Honorifics:
-san: A polite suffix, but not excessively formal.
-kun: A common suffix among friends and younger people.
-chan: A common suffix among people you're close with, mostly used for feminine nicknames and girls, since it's cutesy and childlike.
-senpai: A common suffix and noun used to address or refer to one's older or more senior colleagues in a school, workplace, dojo, or sports club.

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Michiru’s POV

The current atmosphere in Class 2-B, to put it in Shinji-kun's words, is, “It's over, seriously.”

Kokomi-chan is glaring at me with intense eyes, Kanae-chan is silent, likely lost in thought, and the strongest-willed Miki-chan looks on the verge of tears, helpless and anxious.

Despite the girls’ efforts to console them or offer distractions, nothing is working. Meanwhile, a few boys, who have long had feelings for them, seize the moment to offer comforting words in a pretentious manner.

Shinji-kun disappeared somewhere right as lunch break began, and Kou-kun didn't show up at school today either. With no one left to rely on, I realize all the pity is being directed at me.

… I have to do something.

I know it's my fault things have come to this. This time, I can't run away—I have to face it and fight.

With that resolve, I stand up and walk over to Kokomi-chan. Of course, she continues glaring at me with deep resentment.

“Kokomi-chan, I need to talk to you.”

“I don't want to talk to a traitor.”

“…A traitor?”

“Yes, you're a traitor. You hurt Kou-san, changed your heart to Takatsuki-san, and now you have the nerve to act familiar with us? You must have been grinning to yourself all summer long!”

Honestly, I had no argument against her sharp words. I did rely on Shinji-kun to get closer to Kou-kun, only to pull away in the end. It was nothing short of betrayal.

But when I widen my perspective, I feel like there are things I should push back on too. Being denied so harshly makes the nastier side of my personality want to come out.

Still…

—What do you want to do about this problem?

Shinji-kun's words always give me strength. They remind me to stay true to myself and finish what I've started. He helps me believe that, no matter what, I can't betray my own feelings.

I stand directly in front of Kokomi-chan and look straight at her. For a few seconds, it feels like all sound in the classroom vanishes. Kokomi-chan's strong gaze falters slightly, as if she's losing resolve.

“I never stopped liking Kou-kun. And Shinji-kun doesn't think of me that way either.”

“What are you talking about?! It's obvious just by looking at you two!”

“Nothing's changed. It's just… my one-sided feelings.”

Her expression shifts slightly. I felt that, just like the old me, she and the others are trapped in a biased way of thinking.

“Even so! You left us behind! That's what we can't forgive! We weren't normal, so we had rules, right?! And those rules were the only thing that kept us together, that saved us!”

“Then what do you want from me, Kokomi-chan? Do you want me to come back and be a part of that again?”

As expected, she falls silent. It's Shinji-kun's influence—I can't help but think that even I sound cruel for asking such a question.

“Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!!”

Her hysterical voice draws the attention of our classmates.

I'm well aware of the power I hold. I'm used to being in the spotlight, but this time I feel insecure, knowing that my appearance won't help me. My mouth is dry, and I'm nervous that I won't be able to speak properly.

…It's strange. I've never felt so genuinely desperate to fix something. For the first time, I realize that I'm becoming someone I don't dislike.

“What did you want from us?! Did you just use us to feel superior? Why did you destroy our relationship like this?!”

“…Because I wanted to move forward.”

“What?! But everyone—”

“No! None of us were ever Kou-kun's girlfriend. Even now, all that's left are our one-sided feelings!”

Slowly, Kanae-chan and Miki-chan stand behind Kokomi-chan, their sharp, questioning eyes piercing me like needles.

…Shinji-kun. Please, lend me your strength.

“I wanted to be Kou-kun's girlfriend back then, Kokomi-chan.”

“Why…? Why would you do something like that…?”

“Because I was afraid that things wouldn't stay the same forever. And, more than anything, I thought I truly loved Kou-kun.”

Now, looking back, those words feel like a sickening excuse. But I genuinely believed that distorted version of happiness, up until I heard about Shinji-kun's unwavering feelings and his devoted nature.

“But it was never about monopolizing him. I never intended to reject everyone else.”

“Do you really think that excuse will work?!”

“It will. Because all I wanted was to move forward, away from the stagnation. Progressing my relationship with Kou-kun meant progressing everyone's relationships, right? Isn't that what a harem is?”

This is where Shinji-kun fundamentally misunderstood.

It's a misconception, or rather a preconception, based on his own values. When I first met Shinji-kun, I deliberately avoided agreeing with his idea that I should be his ‘only girl.' That was the one trick I succeeded in pulling off.

That's also the reason I couldn't respond to his sincere feelings.

“And so…”

Shinji-kun, who's been deprived of so much, can't accept any approach other than “obtaining.” His methods are intense, logical, radical, conventional—and there's no doubt that the happiness he envisions at the end of the road is the most ideal.

… But, no, it's not just Shinji-kun.

I've come to understand that society, too, sees “obtaining” as the key to happiness. I learned that by watching how Saori does things, I realized that's what ordinary values are.

Then, there's only one reason why girls like us, who can't be saved by the ordinary, all come to admire him.

“Kou-kun's very imperfection was what saved us. That's why we were able to sustain this abnormal relationship. We weren’t normal.”

I heard the three girls take a sharp breath.

To tell the truth, I don't know what each of them went through. Similarly, they don't know about my past either. But what we shared was a deep hatred of our own abnormalities, and to cope with it, we pretended to be normal girls.

… Yes, it was all an act.

We couldn't distinguish between friendship, love, or compassion. We were people with a lack of love in all forms. Acknowledging that would have made it impossible to go on, so we chose to look away. That twisted bond was our harem, and we didn't want it to break. To break the makeshift comfort which we had built up.

“To move forward without breaking our ‘rules,' I thought the only way was for all of us to become Kou-kun's girlfriends. That way, we'd feel more secure. It would be proof that Kou-kun wouldn't betray us, that we could believe in him more.”

“Then why…?!”

Kokomi-chan grabbed both my shoulders, her nails digging into my blazer. The sharp pain from my shoulders reached my heart, and I could tell how deeply hurt and distressed she was.

“Then why did you fall in love with Takatsuki-san?!”

But, I think I'm hurting even more.

Because I've been running away from this along with everyone else, and I'm now bearing the weight of new heartbreak on top of past trauma. And yet, I found something I still want to reach for, even if it causes me pain. I've met something that makes me believe that even if I fail, this experience will one day become my strength.

… I'm sorry.

I'm moving forward.

“I never intended to fall for him. Before I knew it, I had already fallen.”

The class went silent as everyone processed my words.

They might be confused, wondering what they were witnessing. They could be thinking that we're selfishly acting out a melodrama, and maybe they even find it repulsive.

I know I'm saying things that don't make sense. I also understand that, in their eyes, this is nothing but betrayal. It's messy, ugly, and hypocritical. I'm just spouting the unsavory truths about being a woman.

But I can't stop. I'm here because I made my choice.

“…What?”

“Kokomi-chan, being with Kou-kun gave me a sense of security. I felt like I could love him alongside everyone else, and for the first time, I wasn't alone. That made me happy.”

“Y-Yeah…”

“But meeting Shinji-kun made me realize something. Love isn't something you choose to do. It's something you fall into. It's not about relying on someone and deciding that you love them.”

Exactly.

I had always found it strange. Why was Shinji-kun, someone who valued evidence so highly, able to believe in such unwavering devotion? Why did he think that no matter how many times he was betrayed, he should still give his all to the next person?

But now it's obvious. When a person falls off a cliff, all they can do is pray to God, begging, “I want to survive.”

In other words, once someone has fallen in love, they have no choice but to prioritize the desire to make the other person happy, no matter the logic. Shinji-kun knows this, and that's why he can remain so devoted.

So, the very inherently selfish wish to have that person solely for themselves, and to become their significant other no matter the consequences, must be a betrayal of what love means to Shinji-kun.

Because his idea of love is pure, untainted by calculation. It's about wanting to be with someone, feeling safe. What he seeks from love is the same as what Kou-kun used to provide me, but at the same time, completely different. It's something much deeper, something that makes me want to give back too.

“That's why logic and evidence are overturned in the face of love. That's what the word ‘devotion' really means.”

In other words, it's about emotion.

No matter how much you train your mind, a person can't suppress the desires that lie deep within. Perhaps that's what makes us human. And maybe that's what Shinji-kun, who's more inhuman than anyone else, is trying to tell us.

Moreover, lying to yourself about your true feelings is something Shinji-kun despises more than anything. I think I'm beginning to understand him a little.

“Shut up!!”

Suddenly, Miki-chan, who had been anxious until now, snapped and stared at me with fierce, tear-filled eyes.

“So what are you saying!? If your love is real, does that make our feelings fake!? Do you even realize what you're saying!?”

“M-Miki! Stop it!”

If Kanae-chan hadn't intervened, I might have been hit. Having never faced such clear hostility before, I was terrified, and I instinctively took a step back.

“You've been saying things that only suit your convenience! You made Kou fall for you and then left us behind! If it had been just one or the other, I wouldn't be like this!!”

“M-Miki-chan…”

“You were just lucky! It's only because Takatsuki was so special that you found someone else to cling to! How are you any different from us?!”

…

“You're the bad guy! You're the traitor! Just stay out of our lives and at least be a punching bag for our anger!!”

And with that, Miki-chan started to cry.

“You've already grown far stronger than any of us, so just leave us behind and go somewhere far away!!!”

… I couldn't find any words to say back to Miki-chan.

I didn't want to admit it, but my past was whispering, “She's right.” Slowly, I began to feel like the hostility directed at me was justified, and I even started to doubt the feelings I had for Shinji-kun. Just moments ago, I felt so sure—so why am I now so fragile, so shaken?

“You just changed who you cling to.”

That was the most cutting remark. It was the cruelest thing she could have said to me. But that's because we know each other so well, and knowing each other means knowing exactly what words hurt the most.

They're struggling too, just like me. Even though I want to help, I can't find the words to say next. I feel consumed by self-loathing, like I'm the one who doesn't belong in this world, and it makes me sick.

“Miki! Don't talk like that—”

“Shut up, Kanae! Come on, say something!!”

Kanae-chan's eyes were pleading, confused, unsure of what to do. Her actions, holding Miki-chan back, told me she wanted me to say something—anything.

But I'm not that strong. I thought I had stopped lying to myself, but here I was doing it again. The resolve I had just moments ago was blown away, and the trauma of my past had me shackled in place.

This weight of emotion… It's paralyzing. How can I move forward like this? I don't have the strength to bear the burden I've placed on this class, disrupting everything with my idealistic nonsense. I'm not strong enough to shoulder that responsibility.

I'm such a fool.

“… I see.”

I'm sorry, Shinji-kun.

I told you to “wait for me,” but I—

“What the hell's going on here?”

The sudden sound of the door slamming open startled us all. When I turned around, there stood Shinji-kun, panting, clearly out of breath.

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