Chapter 164: Ghosts of the Past

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Translator: Soafp

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This is the memory of the world's most uncool brother.

“Nina, did you know that snails have 25,000 teeth?”

“Really!?”

“When you sneeze and close your eyes, it’s to keep your eyeballs from popping out—”

“Stop! That’s scary!”

“There’s poison at the bottom of grapes.”

“…Is that true?”

—First grade.

I would often show off random trivia I’d learned from books to my little sister.

“Hajime-Nii, read me a book!”

“Sure.”

I had just started elementary school, and Nina was still in kindergarten.

“Hajime-Nii, did you make any friends?”

“…Yeah.”

“Oh, really? What kind of person?”

“Uh, someone who’s super fast at running…”

Of course, that was a lie.

Back then, I sneakily counted anyone who talked to me as a “friend.”

I wasn't anywhere near hitting 100 friends, but even with that method, I barely made it to 10.

“Are you going to their house to play?”

“They're…busy…”

Looking back now, I think I was still desperately trying to maintain some kind of dignity as a big brother.

But then—

—Third grade.

Nina had just entered the same school as a first grader.

“Hajime-Nii…?”

“Whoa! Why are you here!?”

It was during lunch break.

Unlike me, who saw the upperclassmen as terrifying, Nina was truly fearless.

She could talk to anyone, which is why she wandered into the classroom two grades above hers without a second thought.

“You weren’t playing outside, so I thought maybe you were in here. So I came.”

“D-Don't come here!”

The stares from my classmates felt like daggers.

It wasn't just embarrassment from my little sister showing up.

There I was, in the corner of the classroom…completely alone.

Zero friends.

As a brother, I didn't want her to see that.

“Why aren’t you playing outside like everyone else?”

“I-I'm just reading a book…”

“…Oh, okay.”

But she saw through me.

The mask came off immediately.

“Hajime-Nii?”

“What?”

“Why don't you play with your friends?”

“I don't need that kind of thing.”

It was a lie.

Looking back, it was such an obvious, weak attempt to act tough.

I remember my classmates, who I rarely spoke to, being surprised by how talkative I suddenly became.

—“He said he doesn’t need friends!” “What’s with him?”—

I felt like I could hear those voices in the classroom.

Of course, the wall between me and everyone else only grew thicker.

“Just go back to your classroom, Nina.”

“…Okay. Sorry for bothering you while you were reading.”

By that point, it was already clear—I was more of a child than Nina.

I'd made her worry about me.

My younger sister, two years my junior, was the one who was considerate of me.

“Ugh…”

Eventually, I could hear Nina's voice from the playground.

Playing with a bunch of friends, laughing and shouting.

I heard something inside me break—bit by bit.

—Fifth grade.

“Hajime-Nii, can you help me with my homework?”

“…Sure.”

Even after that, Nina still treated me the same at home.

I’m sure she was just being considerate of me then, too.

“Hajime-Nii, let's play!”

“That's Nina's Onii-chan!!”

“Hello!”

“H-Hello…”

But then came a sudden turning point.

Nina brought her friends over to the house.

That wasn't unusual, but it was the first time she invited me to join them.

Usually, when Nina had friends over, I would hide in my room, feeling awkward… but that day was different.

“Let's play cards!”

“…Okay.”

It was embarrassing. But I couldn't say no.

As her “Onii-chan.”

If I said no, I'd really be a failure.

“Hajime-Nii, everyone wants to play with you—”

“Haji Nii-san, let's play tag!”

“Ninja Onii-chan, let’s do a hide-and-seek rematch!”

“Alright… which one first?”

Eventually, it became normal for me to play with Nina and her friends.

But…

“Mom, please don't take any pictures…”

“Huh? Why not? You all look like you’re having fun.”

“…Don't take them.”

“Eh~, alright…”

Somewhere deep down, I must have felt a kind of “embarrassment.” The thought that I was being “allowed” to play with my little sister's friends must have settled in my mind.

…No, that's the truth.

I was relying on her kindness, and I was ashamed of myself for accepting it.

But I was lonely. I didn't have the courage or the guts. So, I just kept running away to the easier option.

Without ever giving anything back to her.

—Sixth grade.

I, an introverted kid through and through, often played alone.

My sister, an extrovert by nature, often played with her friends.

We lived in different worlds. Even as kids, I sort of understood that.

So I convinced myself that it was just how things were—I pushed down the shame as hard as I could.

“Hajime-Nii, let's play together!”

“My friends are having a barbecue, come with us, Hajime-Nii!”

“Hajime-Nii! Today we're having a Christmas party, you better come!”

We were always together. Despite how unfitting it felt for me, I spent my days in a way that seemed fulfilling… or so I thought. I had always relied on her. I had never once helped her.

I was always the one being supported.

In the end—I couldn't do anything on my own. I'm pretty sure I was the first one to head home after graduation.

“Congrats on graduating, Hajime-Nii.”

My sister said that to me casually, as if it was nothing.

“Hajime-Nii? Why are you crying—?”

That day, even as a kid, I knew I couldn't keep going like that.

—From then on.

“Hajime-Nii, are you going to be okay in middle school without me?”

“I have older friends, so if anyone bothers you, let me know.”

“You don't need to worry… If you're going to keep saying that, fine.”

I pushed away my kind-hearted sister. In middle school, I made a resolution to “grow apart from her.”

Until that day came when I decided to no longer stick close to my family.

I hoped that someday I could repay her as her older brother.

I don't know when that day will come, but for sure—one day.

---

“I’m a failure as a brother.”

That thought had always been in the back of my mind.

“Am I really okay with things staying like this?”

No matter what I was doing, the thought of next Sunday kept creeping into my head.

“Am I really okay to see my parents like this?”

Even when I was playing with Kanon-chan.

Even when I was enjoying Kisaragi-san’s dinner.

Even when I went back home to pick up my uniform and bag.

And then—

[――”…Come back, Onii-chan…”――]

—Crash.

The sound of something shattering rang out.

In front of me were tears I hadn’t seen in years.

That's when I finally realized.

The person who had only ever made my family worry had now made them worry even more. By trying to change, I had only worsened the way my family looked at me.

I made my sister cry.

I had convinced myself that “changing” was the right thing to do.

But—that wasn't true. At least, not for the girl in front of me.

“…Really, Hajime-Nii, you're helpless without me…”

On the bed, her eyes red from crying, she muttered in her sleep.

“You should've seen this coming. How things would turn out like this.”

I'm not here to make excuses.

“How is this anything like being a ‘Onii-chan’…?”

The old me was always relying on her, pathetic and causing trouble.

But it didn't have to come to making her cry.

“…Damn it.”

Repaying her as a brother? What kind of fool am I? Look at the situation now.

What about Kisaragi-san?

What about Haori-san?

They're doing their roles as “older sisters” just fine.

And me? What about me?

“…Damn it!!”

I made her cry. I made her sad. Everything I thought I was doing for my own good turned out to be the opposite for my family.

I hate myself for it. And if there's anything I can do to make it even a little better, if it means she won't have to cry anymore…

Then for that, I'm willing to throw away everything—”now” means nothing if it'll make her stop crying.

My hair color.

The hobbies that matter to me.

The thread that kept going.

Everything, everything, everything!

“So… this is for the best, right?”

I shut the laptop.

The silence settles in.

“…This is for the best, right?”

But no one is there to answer.