Oneshot: My Pathetic Regrets After Being Dumped

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Translator: Soafp

Warning, this oneshot is a bait. It is not good. Read if you are bored or don’t care.

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I thought our relationship was going smoothly.

No, there’s no doubt it has been smooth up until now.

Every day, I express my love to her, saying ‘I love you,’ and she always responds with ‘I love you too.’

Because we go to different schools, we couldn’t always be together, but whenever we could, I went to see her. She also always came to cheer me on at my club events.

When we’re together, we hold hands, go on dates almost every week when there are no club activities. We’ve watched manga together, shared trivial thoughts while leaning against each other at each other’s houses, bought DVDs we both wanted to watch, held hands on the sofa while watching them.

It’s delightful when she hugs me tightly, so I deliberately choose scary movies, hoping to sneak in a kiss. But she always presses her face against my chest, trembling, ruining my plan. When she hugs me to cover up my attempt, she holds me even tighter, and sometimes our bodies accidentally touch in ways that make my heart pound, for reasons other than kissing her.

We still haven’t had a proper kiss, but I kiss her on the cheek. When I try to kiss her on the lips while hugging her tightly, she shyly but happily giggles. When I attempt to kiss her on the lips, she stops me with her hand, saying ‘Oh, stop it,’ but when I pretend to sulk, she kisses me back on the cheek, saying ‘Well, I guess I have no choice,’ so that became our routine.

Since I was scolded when I was little that ‘Only married couples can kiss,’ I wonder if she still seriously believes that. If she does, it will require a lot of patience, but I’m willing to make it happen if that’s what she wants. In return, she’ll have to marry me early, though.

Since we’ve known each other since we were little and our parents are close, even when we’re not together, we talk to each other’s parents while waiting for the other. In fact, our parents already treat us like their daughter/son. Her dad even said to me, ‘Once you are old enough, you should join me for a drink,’ so does that mean it’s okay to get married at twenty? She giggled and said, ‘You’re so impatient, Dad,’ but she didn’t deny my eager ‘Please do!’

Of course, we’ve been to summer festivals and cultural festivals together, and we celebrate Christmas and Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, at New Year’s shrine visit, the others were there too, but she immediately asked, ‘What did you get?’ after drawing her fortune, and we tied our fortunes together on a branch. Even when everyone else was splitting up at the food stalls, we stayed together.

When she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I instinctively said, ‘You,’ but on the day, she gave me a cute doll that looked just like her holding a bunch of my favorite sweets and ‘One Day Ownership Coupons’ (like the ones you give your parents when you promise to help them), saying, ‘Congratulations. Let’s keep being together.’

But now, what’s this situation?

“E-Ehehe.”

She laughs, which is very cute. But her eyes swimming around without looking at me are a bit annoying.

“What do you mean?”

“W-well, you see. I, um, tried a mixer. And, uh, it was a success, you know, in terms of finding friends, so…”

With my displeasure evident, her voice gradually dwindled away. But even then, I had no intention of softening the icy gaze I could clearly feel.

After all, today was the long-awaited date that we had planned after not being able to see each other for three whole days by some unfortunate stroke of luck. And yet, when I arrived in high spirits, what I found was another man’s arm firmly intertwined with my beloved girlfriend’s right hand.

If she were to say that she was drawn to someone else and wanted to break up, though it would still be unforgivable (far from acceptable), I might understand. But the other person was just some guy she happened to hit it off with at a mixer, someone they both knew nothing about. Are we supposed to break up because of someone like that?

It’s an unreasonable demand to say not to be upset about this. It’s irritating to have someone like that just silently smirk and gaze over here.

Was she always the type of girl to do something like this? Was she always the type to toy with others’ hearts and laugh? We were talking normally just like any other night yesterday. There was no indication that anything was wrong, but was she planning to break up with me back then?

I felt everything I had believed in crumble beneath my feet.

“U-um…”

I stopped her from saying something with my hand and turned my back.

“I might not want to hear your voice for a while. Don’t contact me.”

With those words said, I started walking. She might be waiting behind me, calling out that it’s a misunderstanding or something else, but I couldn’t care less. I can’t act all cool and get rejected. I just want to maintain some semblance of dignity. I don’t want to embarrass myself by clinging to her and begging her to stay.

I ran home, covering my ears, feeling utterly pathetic.

“Haa…”

Why, and what should I do, have been swirling around in my head incessantly.

Was she lonely because we couldn’t see each other every day? I took advantage of her words telling me to focus on my club activities and didn’t make an effort to see her every day. Sometimes, I even worked part-time without telling her.

Even on weekends, we couldn’t spend the whole day together because of club activities. Even though she would bring me snacks when it was close to a match, we could only talk on the phone instead of meeting in person.

She seemed to enjoy hearing about my club activities, so I got carried away and talked a lot. Even though I was the only person she knew, maybe she didn’t find it enjoyable to hear about people she didn’t know. I prioritized my club activities and talked about them until the rare times we could meet. Maybe she got tired of my selfishness.

Or maybe it’s the opposite. I wanted to see her every moment outside of club activities, but she made new friends and got used to high school. She might have found it annoying how I always tried to be alone with her whenever I had free time. I thought I was considerate of her by trying to make time for her whenever I could, but maybe that wasn’t the case.

Come to think of it…

Did she ever say she wanted to meet? Every time there was even a little free time, I would rush over to her. I thought she didn’t say she wanted to meet because she was waiting for a time that was convenient for both of us due to my busy club schedule, but maybe that wasn’t the case.

We used to be together as a matter of course from elementary to junior high school. Since kindergarten, I claimed the seat next to her and never let anyone else have it, so she might have become numb to the idea that it was mine.

But when high school came around, she discovered free time that wasn’t controlled by me. Perhaps she found my previous attachment, which I thought was normal, to be abnormal.

She’s cute. She must have realized that she can find a kinder, better partner than me if she endures it.

“What should I do…”

I know what I should do. I should set her free. I should congratulate her and wish her well, and then tell her it’s time to part ways. I should assure her that I’ll be okay. I should even pretend to have someone else I’m interested in. I should pray for her happiness and gracefully step back.

I know that’s the best thing to do. But my emotions, my heart, my soul are screaming in protest. I can’t bear to lose her.

If I cry and cling to her, willing to do anything if she doesn’t leave me, she’s not the kind of person to shake that off. Especially since we’re still together. If I hug her tightly and say we’ll never break up without listening to her, a kind girl like her won’t reject me.

Even if her heart drifts away, my ugly heart screams to appeal to the emotions we’ve shared and trap her. Everyone probably thinks we’ll get married. If I show her the moat that’s been filled in and corner her until she gives up leaving my side, it might work. If I eliminate everyone who gets close to her and make her think there’s no one else, she might only look at me again.

“It’s impossible, huh…”

There are countless ways to bind her to me. If I block all escape routes and trap her with guilt so she can’t escape from my embrace, she won’t be able to leave me.

But that would only bind her physically. Her heart would likely escape to a place beyond my reach. I don’t want to see her unable to even smile because of me.

If I send her off with a smile now, I might become a good memory in her heart. Then, if things don’t work out with her current partner, she might remember me and we could get back together.

I want to look cool in front of her, and I want to be liked rather than disliked. If that’s what I want, I should break up without making a scene. I know that, but I don’t feel like I can do it. Maybe it’s because of the unbearable regret.

I didn’t do anything decisive. It didn’t seem like she hated me enough to not want to see my face anymore. Since it seems like her feelings for me haven’t completely disappeared, I can’t bring myself to let go of what remains. I want to cling to it until everything is replaced by a different emotion. But I don’t want to make her sad, and I can’t bear to be disliked.

What do I want to do, exactly? Of course, I want to keep dating her. So what should I do? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.

No matter what I do, the image of her in my imagination will leave. The more I push, the more she will be disillusioned and drift away with a sigh. If I force her to accept my decision, she will leave with a smile and go to another man’s arms. Without looking back at me.

It might be too late for everything. If I didn’t notice any signs of dissatisfaction she might have shown, I might have already missed the chance to make amends.

“Damn it!”

On that day, I welcomed the morning with hardly any sleep.

The morning practice, burdened with sleep deprivation and frustration, was in terrible condition. I caused trouble with errors and wild throws. It’s surprising that the practice that usually ingrains itself into my body and moves on its own doesn’t happen, I thought with a foggy mind.

“Oi, you can leave for today. And don’t come after school either.”

Finally, I was kicked out by the captain. He told me that if I got injured, it would be troublesome, so I should rest until I could put on a better face, and even refused my offer to do chores. I was at a loss.

Having been abandoned by both the club and my girlfriend, I struggled with what to do with the suddenly empty afternoons. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to do with the free time.

Realizing that I was an empty person, I made my way home. Just as I exited the ticket gate at the nearest station, I found myself surrounded by five people, both boys and girls.

“Um, excuse me! Could you spare a moment to talk?”

I tried to ignore them and keep walking, but my feet stopped.

Come to think of it, one of the girls had been seen with my girlfriend. She was supposed to be a genius at finding delicious crepe shops.

No, that’s not it.

“I won’t take up too much of your time, so please bear with me.”

That’s what the guy who bowed lightly said. He was the guy from the other day who I wanted to forget but couldn’t.

“And?”

We walked to a nearby park where we could talk without bothering others. To be honest, I wasn’t interested in their conversation, but maybe if I heard it from others, it might be easier to handle than hearing it directly from her.

The girl who had approached me with her plea to spend time with her began speaking first.

“Um, well. I’ll be frank. Actually, did you know that she likes you?”

“Yeah.”

I nodded indifferently to the question that was almost too obvious. If I wasn’t liked even for a moment, it would be too tragic.

I nodded along without really looking at the other person’s face.

“Ah, um. When I say “like” I don’t mean childhood friends, I mean, it’s between a man and a woman. It was more like a love interest, but…”

“And?”

I had no idea what she was trying to say. Did she really have to confess something that required so much resolve? I started to feel a little uneasy about the other person’s roundabout words.

I hoped they wouldn’t rub salt in the wound any further. Foolishly, I had believed that we were the happiest couple in the world. Now that it had changed, if it turned out she didn’t even have romantic feelings for me from the start, I might just take Sat-chan from the nearby pharmacy and dive into the river.

“So, um, yeah. You see… “

Perhaps sensing my dissatisfaction, the voice grew smaller and smaller. How long was I supposed to listen to this?

“Oi, come on, just say it straight. Basically, here’s the deal. The thing is, the girl wanted the person she liked to see her as a woman, not just a friend, so she tried shock therapy to break free from being just friends.”

Fed up with the roundabout talk, the guy who had been explaining without much enthusiasm suddenly had a serious look on his face as he told me the truth.

—I see. So, does that mean she really liked this guy?

Surprisingly, I felt a little relieved by that fact.

It hurt so much that I felt like my whole body was being torn apart, but if she wanted to date someone she liked, there was nothing I could do. The fact that she had genuinely fallen for someone else, rather than just switching partners lightly, comforted my heart more than I had expected.

“I see…”

“Yeah, that’s how it is. So, I…”

“I’ll leave it to her. But if you make her cry, you’ll pay for it.”

I didn’t really want to leave it to him. I wasn’t satisfied, and I wanted to get rid of him so badly. But I couldn’t harm him. I didn’t want to make her cry over something stupid. I was too weak for her, who was so dear to me.

So, I mustered all the pride I had left and entrusted her to him. I gave him one last glare with a hint of resentment, but I hoped he’d forgive me for that much. He was taking away my precious girlfriend, after all.

Feeling no sense of accomplishment whatsoever, I trudged back home, but for some reason, everyone stopped me. What could they possibly want from me now?

“Hey, hold on a sec!”

“Eh? What now?”

“Aren’t you still misunderstanding something? She’s been crying her eyes out because she thinks you hate her, you know? You made her lose all her energy!”

She’s crying. Because of me…

I want to rush over there right now, tell her it’s okay, and hug her tightly. But that’s no longer my role.

“Can you comfort her instead of me? Because I’ll definitely go see her someday. I just need her to forgive me a little longer until I can genuinely celebrate.”

I don’t have the confidence to fake congratulations and blessings from the bottom of my heart. It’s impossible to disguise heartfelt blessings for my childhood friend as if nothing has changed. I don’t want to contribute to her guilt with insincere well-wishes.

That’s why I earnestly asked him, but the smirk on his face froze in disbelief.

“W-Wait a minute! Hold on! Aren’t you still misunderstanding something? She wanted you to see her as a woman!”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“No, no, no, wait! Hold on just a moment! You’re misunderstanding! It’s you she wanted to see as a woman!”

I sighed at the hysterical tone of the guy. It seems he won’t be satisfied until he completely shreds my heart to pieces. Fine, if that’s what he wants, then let him have it.

I answered, glaring at him.

“Whether she wanted me to see her as a woman or not, we were already dating. It’s only natural for her to want me to see her that way.”

“””””Heh?”””””

Apparently, I have to explain the obvious one by one, poking at the wounds. I continued, with a cold gaze, ignoring their incredulous reactions.

“So, it’s obvious that the person she wanted to see her as a woman wasn’t me…”

“Hold on! Wait a minute! She said her feelings for you were one-sided!”

“…Ha?”

One-sided? Her feelings for me?

“I-I mean, that’s not it. Um, because of your childhood friendship, you never saw her as anything more than a childhood friend. You couldn’t see her in a romantic light… Because, even though you were together, that’s what she intended all along.”

“W-We, um, we actually gave her advice, and she tried really hard, but nothing changed at all, and it was all in vain…”

“So, when it got to this point, she wanted to make you realize she’s not a kid anymore, so she picked out potential partners to make you feel jealous and realize your feelings.”

“And when you didn’t feel any jealousy at all, and instead just felt happy, she thought there’s no chance, so we said you should take a step back, reset things, and then try again after some time…”

“…”

We stared at each other silently. At least, they didn’t seem like they were lying.

As I recounted the evidence that we were indeed together…

“On days without club activities, we always went on dates. We went to the zoo, amusement parks, and watched movies together. There were times when we spent the whole day alone in each other’s rooms.”

“…”

“On birthdays, we celebrated together, staying at each other’s houses until the clock struck midnight.”

I remember the times in elementary school when, feeling so sleepy, we waited for each other, and our parents had to pick us up after we had fallen asleep. It must have been a big hassle for them. Our families, who originally had no relationship, have now become close like old friends, all for the sake of the two of us always being together.

“….”

“Every night, we’d talk on the phone and say ‘I love you’, and every time, we’d hear it back from each other.”

Thanks to that, I could fall asleep feeling happy every night. Even when I couldn’t be alone during camp, I’d call her without hesitation, which earned me some teasing from my classmates about ‘exploding’, but by the final day, nobody said anything and just slipped into their futons.

“…Christmas too, back in middle school, we used to celebrate together with each other’s families, but last time, since we’re high schoolers now, we did it just the two of us. And since I know she likes it, I tried my best to find cute candles to set the mood.”

I tried my best to gather them, even though it might be too few or dark. But when I lit different scented candles together, it started smelling weird, and watching the wax melt when I lit them was kinda horrifying, so the plan to just gaze into each other’s eyes by candlelight fell apart. But those candles are still displayed as her favorites, so I felt satisfied with the effort I put into gathering them.

“When we walk together, we hold hands, and recently, she’s started linking arms with me from her side, and when I hug her or kiss her cheek, she doesn’t seem to dislike it at all; rather, she looks happy.”

“…U-um, that’s.”

“Since she likes knitting, when I mentioned we might not need to buy sweaters for our kids because of her, she tapped my chest and said to leave it to her. But, I think she meant she’d make sweaters for both her children and mine, right?”

I was pretty blatantly hinting at being ready to get married, I thought. In case she couldn’t even fathom getting married, I wanted to give her the chance to escape or whatever.

“N-no…”

“That is…”

Even though her friends are stuttering and avoiding eye contact, I continue to speak my mind.

“I don’t think I’d date a girl who’s proud to cook alongside my mom, someone who confidently asks for feedback on how good her cooking is, would you?”

“They’re dating…”

“Right…”

Everyone hangs their heads. Some of them are holding their heads in their hands. They must be feeling unbearable. But right now, I’m the one who wants to hang my head the most. I just want to collapse.

Think about it. The person I’ve been dating all this time, the one I thought was my girlfriend, now sees us as just childhood friends, and she wanted to be in a relationship with someone else. All the moments of intimacy between us were just childish play. All the excitement and joy I felt over little things were just me playing by myself. What am I supposed to do now?

“Haa…”

Maybe I’m just not mature enough. If she wants to be in a relationship, I should just smile and ask her out officially. Then we can be a real couple. That should solve everything.

But I can’t just accept it that easily. I can’t figure out what her intentions were all this time, or how she could be so affectionate with a guy she didn’t even think was her boyfriend, or what I’m supposed to do from here if we actually become a real couple. I’m overwhelmed by all these emotions and I don’t know what to do.

I still love her. If she has feelings for me, I can’t let her go. I don’t want to let her go, even if her feelings have changed. So I should forgive her. I should apologize for making her anxious and reaffirm my love for her.

Right now, I want to go and see her, hug her, and tell her I love her, but my feet won’t move. It’s because there’s a part of me that feels like if I see her now, I’ll end up yelling irrationally. Even though I don’t even know what I want to ask, I feel like I’ll demand, “Why!?”

Seeing me sitting there with a dark expression and staying silent, one of her friends timidly speaks up, maybe out of concern for me. But sorry, it’s completely off the mark.

“Um, maybe because there wasn’t a confession, she wasn’t confident that you were dating…”

“I love her more than anything, so I want to be with her forever. When I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said, ‘Of course!’ didn’t that count as a confession?”

“…Ah, s-sorry.”

My terse response seemed to make her friend anxious. Somehow, I felt like I’d become a really unpleasant person.

They’re just here to help their friend navigate this unexpected turn in her love life, and they don’t mean any harm to me. In fact, they were just as surprised by the sudden turn of events when they tried to help.

Even so, if the person involved, me, responds so unfriendly, it’s no wonder they’re feeling down. I get it. I understand. But I just couldn’t manage to act like an adult. There’s something dark and heavy swirling in my gut.

“…Maybe I’ll quit the club.”

“”””””Eh!?””””””

“If I quit the club and transfer schools, and we spend all day together, would she notices my feelings then?”

“Don’t jump to conclusions!”

“She seemed happy when talking about your club activities.”

“I don’t think she’d be happy if you quit for her sake!”

Frustrated by their desperate pleas, I felt a surge of anger.

“So what should I do?! I tell her I love her every day! I bought us matching rings! I’ve run around making sure we can always be together on our anniversaries! I’ve done everything I can think of, so what more can I do?!”

As I lashed out, everyone exchanged looks of silence. It couldn’t get any worse.

Breathing heavily, I clenched my fists, feeling tears welling up in my eyes.

“…Sorry. I’m leaving.”

My demeanor was far from good, but for now, I just wanted to go somewhere nobody else was. I didn’t know what ugly scene I might create if I stayed, so I hoped they’d forgive me once I calmed down a bit.

“W-Wait!”

Ignoring the outstretched hand, I tried to leave the park. But then, I heard a voice that I thought might have been a figment of my imagination.

Turning around, I saw the person I wanted to see least and most at the same time.

“Emi…”

“I don’t want you to go!”

She dove towards me, and I reflexively caught her in my arms.

“Ah! Um…I-I really…I like it when you’re in the club! So, please don’t quit because of me!”

Her desperate plea squeezed my heart. I didn’t understand where this pain was coming from, but I held her tightly.

“Uwa! Uhm, I”

“Be quiet.”

“Y-Yes.”

I nuzzled her head obediently and took in her scent. Enjoying her stillness, my chaotic feelings finally began to settle.

“So, we weren’t dating?”

“Y-Yes, that’s what I thought.”

“Why?”

“W-Well, because there weren’t any romantic gestures…”

It irked me hearing her say that despite always rejecting my kisses.

“But didn’t we say ‘I love you,’ go on dates, cuddle whenever we could, and kiss each other on the cheek? Isn’t that romantic?”

“W-Well, because we’ve been doing that since kindergarten…”

Because I decided from the moment I saw her.

“We talked about our future, our dream wedding while watching TV, didn’t we?”

“T-That was just common wishes…”

But we were blending our dreams together, weren’t we?

“We practiced with engagement rings, remember? You wore the ring I gave you as a present.”

“I-I thought it was just practice for when you get a girlfriend…”

“Am I a joke to you?”

I couldn’t help but let out a low voice in shock. I remembered her smiling face when I bought that ring, working hard at my part-time job between club activities just to afford it. I even asked the store to reserve it so it wouldn’t sell out because I knew it was exactly what she liked. And yet, she thought so little of it?

“Hii, but, when I go to support the club, the cute manager always says outsiders aren’t allowed!”

“I don’t know if she’s cute, but she even kicks out family members before competitions. And… do you know what nickname they gave you in the club?”

“I-I don’t know. Do I even have a nickname!?”

“You always come with snacks before competitions, taking care of us meticulously, bringing towels, water, even lunch, cheering us on like my ‘bride.'”

“E-Ehh…!?”

“The manager even says, ‘I got snacks from your bride again,’ and I always thank her and send her home, but she tells me to thank my husband properly too.”

“Eh…”

“They all agree that ‘Bride-chan’s’ snacks are delicious, there isn’t a single person in our club who doesn’t know about it, and everyone supports it.”

Actually, I didn’t want anyone else but me to eat them, but since she offered them to everyone, I had no choice but to share. Then those guys, who had taken a liking to them, started trying to take even my share, leading to intense battles every time.

“Eeh…?”

“The managers threatened that if I cheated on ‘bride-chan’ and accepted snacks from someone else, I’d be crushed.”

“Eeeh!?”

Nobody in our club dares to defy the managers. Well, it’s an absurd threat, so I don’t care, but…

“Every time, they said, ‘We’re always happily married, so there’s no problem,’ right…? I see, was that just my misunderstanding?”

“Um, no! Um, that’s not it!”

She flapped her hands in a panic. Seeing her blushing face and her eyes darting around, my spirits began to lift. Yeah, she’s back to her usual self.

“So?”

“Eh?”

“I’ve always thought of us as dating from the start, and I’m fully committed to it. Can I assume that you also want to be in a relationship with me?”

She nodded eagerly, so I leaned in to kiss her cheek.

But as always, her hand blocked me. It irritated me.

“Why?”

“W-Well, why..…”

“Until now, you rejected me because we weren’t dating, right? But now we are, so isn’t it okay? Or is it because you still think these things are only for married couples?”

“N-No, it’s not that! It’s because… because of others! Look around!”

“Yeah. And?”

Despite her words, I kept my eyes fixed only on her, which made her squirm in my arms.

“S-So, because everyone’s watching! They’re all staring at us!”

“I know.”

“Eh?”

She froze with her mouth hanging open, so I held her tighter.

“But if you think about it, this is probably the most embarrassing and awkward moment of my life, being watched like this. So, maybe we don’t need to worry about it too much.”

“N-No way! We have to care about it! It’s important!”

Her panicked voice and her racing heart were all so adorable.

“The overlapping shadows in the park at dusk, that’s like a romantic scene from manga, right?”

“But that’s only romantic when it’s just the two of us, right? Having an audience ruins any romance, doesn’t it!?”

Even though she’s bad at handling situations, she’s still adorable. A smile naturally spread across my face.

“Don’t worry. I won’t let anyone see your face except me.”

“N-No, that’s not the issue…”

“So, don’t use a seductive voice, okay? If someone else hears it…”

“I’ll punish you” I whispered, and then covered her mouth without giving her a chance to respond.

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TL: My Pathetic Regrets After Translating This…