Oneshot: I Just Wanted Someone to Lean On.

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Translator: Soafp

Requested by someone. It is something different.

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―――Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

That’s a very famous phrase from a well-known fairy tale.

It’s the line where the queen, who believes herself to be the most beautiful person in the world, asks the mirror. Up until then, the mirror always answered with “You, my queen,” but when it answered “Snow White,” the queen became furious and consumed by jealousy, leading to her downfall. That’s the story.

I remember reading it when I was younger.

I couldn’t quite understand the queen’s actions back then.

Why does she obsess over being beautiful?

Why does she have to be so cruel to Snow White just because she’s more beautiful than her?

The queen is beautiful too, so why does she feel the need to do such things?

And if she loses everything and dies, what’s the point?

I used to think those things.

I couldn’t comprehend the feeling of not being able to accept that you’re not the most beautiful.

I preferred reading books over wearing beautiful clothes ever since I was young.

I’d rather immerse myself in the world of books than talk to someone. That’s the kind of child I was.

In many ways, I think I was an unattractive child.

I wasn’t interested in socializing, always with a book in hand, always alone.

I was always a lonely girl. That was me, Yukino Akamiya.

I didn’t feel lonely. Because I had the world of books.

I didn’t feel sad. Because it was just how things were.

I didn’t have any trouble. Because I lived in a world that accepted me for who I was, a strange child.

I stood out in class.

Sometimes classmates would talk to me, but my responses were always short.

They probably thought I was boring. That’s only natural.

Once the conversation ended, their interest faded, and they would leave. I would return to the world of books once the conversation was over.

That was my daily life. I wasn’t interested in others.

Being alone didn’t bother me. But I didn’t realize.

Being alone wasn’t something that was taken for granted in the school environment.

I was an oddity that couldn’t blend into groups.

The other kids accepted me as that kind of kid.

It was probably a form of kindness.

Unbeknownst to me, I relied on the kindness of those around me. I didn’t bother to find out what they thought of me.

I was ignorant and foolish, entering middle school—and then a turning point came.

Although calling it a turning point wouldn’t be accurate.

Simply put, I was ostracized by the girls.

The reason was simple. Even after entering middle school and having more students around, I continued to behave the same way as I did in elementary school.

That’s all. But that was enough.

Being an oddity who didn’t try to fit in annoyed someone among the girls.

It was a self-inflicted, hopeless situation.

I was ignored when I tried to talk to them. I had no one to pair up with in PE class, always left to watch.

I don’t want to remember what happened on days with school events.

I was never directly bullied, but it was just days filled with gloom.

I was completely worn out. I liked being alone, but I didn’t have the resilience to handle isolation.

I wasn’t accustomed to being targeted with malice either. I finally understood my own weakness, but it was already too late.

I didn’t even try to make friends, and I didn’t know how to rely on others.

Being alone frightened me now.

But I didn’t particularly harbor any resentment towards anyone.

I knew that I was the one who brought about this situation. That much was clear to me.

It was just my past actions coming back to haunt me.

I wasn’t thick-skinned enough to hold a grudge, nor perhaps it would’ve been better if I were.

My heart couldn’t withstand the isolation; it was undoubtedly wearing down.

So, I found myself seeking someone to lean on, someone to be by my side.

It could have been anyone.

I just didn’t want to be alone.

I wanted to be saved myself.

It was around the time when I reached my third year of middle school, and this current situation had become entirely routine.

While the classmates had changed, I thought the same kind of days would continue. Then, I suddenly noticed a boy who was in the same situation as me, isolated.

He was an ordinary person.

His face was ordinary, his height was average, and his grades weren’t that bad either.

It seemed he wasn’t good at sports, but I couldn’t judge since I wasn’t either, so I’ll leave that aside.

Anyway, if he could understand that I was in the same situation as him, that would be enough.

In any case, from my perspective, he didn’t seem like a bad person.

But no one talked to him. He always kept his head down, either reading a book or pretending to sleep during break time. It was the same routine.

―――Just like me.

I thought so. So, I mustered up the courage to talk to him.

At the same time, I harbored a baseless hope that if he was in a similar situation, he wouldn’t ignore me.

I didn’t want to save him. After all, there was no way I could do such a thing.

I just wanted something to fill the loneliness in this tiny yet vast garden of a school.

It was miserable, foolish, and selfish. Yet, it was a heartfelt wish.

From then on, we started spending a lot of time together.

We shared a love for books. Our time chatting during breaks and lunch gradually increased. Eventually, we started hanging out after school too.

Because of that, we were teased and ridiculed.

They said we stuck together because we were both outcasts, and there were whispers behind our backs.

But it was okay.

Even if it was considered a codependent relationship, I was undeniably saved.

We spent the school trip together. We even took pictures.

In the photo, neither of us was smiling convincingly; it was a terribly awkward smile, but he was the same.

We laughed together again as we looked at the photo and commented on how awful we looked.

During that moment, a phrase from a book I once read flashed through my mind.

―――Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

Looking at myself in the photo, I thought, “It’s definitely not me.”

Time passed, and autumn arrived.

Our relationship remained unchanged, and we continued to support each other.

I felt relieved when I was with him.

Loneliness crept in when we were apart.

Occasionally, I would be overwhelmed by a feeling of constriction in my chest.

The loneliness I once felt had disappeared from within me.

In its place, another emotion had taken hold.

Love. It must be called that.

I had no certainty. I had never experienced love before.

Even so, I decided for myself that this feeling was love.

It didn’t matter if I was wrong. As long as I felt that way, it was fine.

I wanted to be with him forever.

If this wasn’t love, then what was it?

I couldn’t go back to being alone. I didn’t want to.

So when he confessed his feelings to me and suggested we go to the same high school, I remember feeling truly happy.

It was nearing winter by then, and though it should have been chilly, my heart felt warm.

I wanted to continue basking in this happiness, but it wasn’t to be.

Time was steadily passing. The day of the exams was steadily approaching.

One day during winter break, we decided to study together.

The location was the library. It was a fitting place for us.

When he suggested meeting at the station and walking there together, I felt like I was floating.

Though it was called a study session, it was undoubtedly our first date. I was ecstatic.

But soon, I would be plunged into despair.

On the day of our date, when he appeared at our meeting spot, he looked different from usual.

Had he gone to the salon? His hair was styled. His clothes were new and neat.

I could easily imagine that he had purchased them specifically for this day.

He seemed nervous in his unfamiliar stylish outfit, his face flushed as his gaze wandered, but eventually, he asked me, “How do I look?”

To be honest, it didn’t suit him.

It was clear that he wasn’t accustomed to dressing up, and he seemed to be forcing it. That was the impression I got.

But such a thing was trivial.

Unable to find the words to reply, I glanced down at my own attire.

There was a black duffle coat. Underneath, my school uniform. It was my usual outfit.

If I were to make an excuse, I hardly had any casual clothes.

The allowance I received from my parents went towards buying books, and I spent my holidays mostly holed up at home.

I did my shopping online, and I visited the bookstore on my way home from school.

Even after starting to date him, I continued to live a life where I avoided interacting with people as much as possible.

That became my downfall.

I was shocked.

I might have seemed ridiculous for saying something like that after dressing like this, but I still regretted it.

Why did I come dressed like this for our date? Even though I should have known better.

I must have unconsciously dismissed that thought.

He was probably the same as me. He would probably come in his usual attire.

It’s a terrible story.

He cared about me and tried to show off for me, and yet, I had given up even trying to impress.

I was ashamed of how I had underestimated his feelings, and I couldn’t even look him in the eye that day.

Our first date was nothing short of terrible.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

It’s not me.

But I—at least in front of him, who cares for me—wanted to at least…

From that day on, I began to change.

I mustered up the courage to buy clothes. Since I didn’t know what suited me, I turned to fashion magazines.

They said an outdated hairstyle wasn’t good, so I got a haircut.

It didn’t suit me. That was my honest opinion, but the hairstylist praised me.

I felt embarrassed and looked away, but I didn’t feel bad.

Come to think of it, it had been a while since someone had praised me.

Would he—praise me too? A small desire arose within me.

I wondered what I was doing.

With the exams approaching, was it okay for me to be doing this?

I even felt bewildered by the changes in myself that were unthinkable from when I didn’t care about romance.

But I realized something during that date.

In the end, I hadn’t changed. No, I had given up on changing.

That wouldn’t do, I thought.

I had to change.

I wanted to respond to him, who had courage for my sake.

And the results showed.

On the last day of winter break, I met him again.

After he expressed surprise at my transformation, he immediately praised me.

“You look beautiful.” “It looks really good.”

With sincere words that conveyed his feelings, he showered me with praise.

That alone made me happy. I felt like crying.

It felt like my courage had paid off.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

Ah, now I understand.

Why that queen asked the mirror such a thing.

She wanted to feel fulfilled.

She wanted to be acknowledged.

And the method for that was asking the mirror, asking someone else.

Because this feeling of fulfillment would never come from within oneself alone.

I truly thought so.

However, at that moment, I should have realized.

Why did the queen give Snow White the poisoned apple?

Even though the feeling of fulfillment was genuine, it wouldn’t last forever.

Without realizing it, I had taken a bite of the apple called “the need for approval.”

In the end, I was foolish.

Once I had understood the queen’s feelings, there was no turning back to the innocent Snow White.

The poison began to spread slowly.

Winter passed, and I became a high school student.

I passed the entrance exams and enrolled in the same high school as him. We were even in the same class.

While I was happy about that, I didn’t have high expectations for high school life itself.

I thought it would be the same closed-off days with just him, like in junior high.

On the first day of high school life, which I approached without much hope, something unexpected happened.

“You’re cute, Akamiya.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Want to go karaoke with everyone later?”

“Let’s exchange LINE IDs! Let’s be friends!”

After the introductions were over, it was time to go home after school.

I found myself surrounded by my new classmates.

I panicked at the new experience and don’t remember what I said.

By the time I realized it, my phone, which had only had contacts for him and my parents, now had many unfamiliar names, and we had finished what was called a class reunion at karaoke.

He was walking beside me, but his expression seemed somewhat distant.

When I asked him “what was wrong”, he just said, “Sorry.”

Even though he knew I was in trouble, he couldn’t help me, and he seemed sorry for that.

But he didn’t need to worry about it. I was confused, yes, but he wasn’t at fault, and he knew that I wasn’t good at socializing.

In fact, his seriousness made me like him even more.

That was the beginning of the misunderstandings between us.

A little time passed since starting high school, and I found myself often surrounded by people.

More than feeling happy, I felt perplexed, and I wondered why this was happening.

But even when I thought about it, I couldn’t understand. So, I asked him. The answer came quickly.

“Because Yukino has become really beautiful.”

… It was embarrassing. I shouldn’t have asked, but his voice was so earnest that I had to believe him.

It seems that I’m on the more attractive side.

Unknowingly, I had performed a high school debut, and it seemed to be successful.

I understood why people were gathering around me.

But, I didn’t feel particularly happy about it.

Because of my lack of interaction with people in junior high, I was isolated, and it lingered until my third year.

On the other hand, just because my face was considered attractive, my environment changed so easily after entering high school.

All of this―――all of these trivial things―――and everything changes.

Instead of joy, a sense of emptiness engulfed me.

Both were caused by just one trigger, and it wasn’t something I consciously aimed for. I just found myself in this situation.

What was my junior high school life like before I met him?―――I couldn’t help but feel a sense of emptiness.

Feeling like there was a hole in my chest, I stood in front of the mirror.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

Everyone… he… says that the “me” right now is beautiful.

But to me, my smile reflected in the mirror looked horribly distorted.

After that, I started to hang out more often.

I accepted invitations from classmates to go karaoke, eat out, and do various things.

I made more friends. Some of them were older. They all praised me.

From an outsider’s perspective, it was surely fulfilling days.

But there was a gaping hole in my chest.

What were those times when I was alone in junior high school?

Such thoughts swirled around in my mind, refusing to settle.

Certainly, I tried to change. I did change and became beautiful.

But that’s only about appearance. My inner self hasn’t changed. I’m still the same, someone who loves books and is introverted.

Yet, I’m being acknowledged.

The “me” now is being affirmed by everyone.

Even though I’m still me. Even though I’m still the same person who was rejected and isolated by everyone―――

Everything was a mess.

I didn’t know what was what anymore.

I didn’t even understand myself anymore.

In this state, I didn’t want to meet him.

So, I started to avoid him.

Because if the current him affirms the current me any further, I felt like I would disappear.

As a result, the time I spent with him decreased.

It’s only natural. But he didn’t say anything.

So, I thought it would be okay.

Everyone says I’m beautiful.

So, he should be happier if I’m beautiful.

It was the same back then.

Once my feelings were sorted out, I told myself that we could talk again.

Even though I knew it was just deceiving myself, I had to do it.

“I want to go out with you.”

It happened during lunch break one day.

I was called over and confessed to.

“Um…,”

“Is it a no?”

Struggling for words, my confession came looking for an answer.

I knew him. His name was Takizawa-kun. He was a classmate and considered the coolest guy in our year. He was also one of the group I often hung out with.

“Um, I already have a boyfriend,”

It was hard to refuse, but I mustered the courage to tell him.

I had a boyfriend. I couldn’t cheat, and I didn’t plan on breaking up.

Surprised by my answer, Takizawa-kun looked at me with wide eyes and said,

“Really…? I didn’t know.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“I see… I thought Akamiya was single. Sorry, I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. My bad.”

With that, Takizawa-kun bowed his head.

When I told him he didn’t need to worry about it, he finally lifted his head, but he still looked apologetic.

Feeling guilty about it, I ended up saying something unnecessary.

“You really don’t need to worry about it. It’s understandable you didn’t notice. I haven’t been talking to him much lately either…”

“Eh? Why not?”

“Well…”

I hesitated whether to tell him or not.

My feelings were still in disarray.

As a result, my conversations with him had become awkward lately, and we were seeing each other less frequently.

This couldn’t continue as it was—I knew that. But I didn’t know what to do.

“If it’s okay with you, I’ll listen. I mean, I just got turned down, so let me atone for my sins. Of course, I promise not to tell anyone.”

He seemed to sense my hesitation and offered to help.

With a troubled smile on his face, it didn’t feel like he was lying.

Even though I had just rejected him, he was treating me kindly. I thought he was a strong person.

“Well, actually…”

Maybe because of that, I ended up telling him everything.

About the unwanted high school debut I had.

About how I lost myself because of it.

About how I became afraid to meet him as I am now.

I told him everything, even about our awkward relationship.

He listened without saying a word until the end to what must have been a boring story.

“I see… Akamiya-san, it must have been tough for you.”

“I’m sorry for burdening you with this.”

“No, I asked you to tell me. Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you did.”

Takizawa-kun paused for a moment.

“I realized I didn’t understand anything about you, Akamiya-san, and I felt embarrassed about that. I didn’t notice you were forcing yourself, and I didn’t realize it at all. I’m sorry again?”

“There’s no need for that. If anything, I…”

“No, it’s not necessary. From now on, I’ll be more careful too. Akamiya-san, I don’t want you to push yourself. I mean, the person I liked… went through tough times, and I wouldn’t want that for myself either.”

As he spoke, Takizawa-kun averted his gaze.

Whether he was embarrassed or not, his ears were red. He must be a good person. I realized that I didn’t know much about him either.

“I’m sorry… I…”

“That’s why you don’t need to apologize! Anyway, what I want to say is, from now on, when you’re in trouble, I want you to come to me for advice.”

We’re friends, after all.

With these final words from Takizawa-kun, I couldn’t help but feel relieved.

So,

“Thank you, Takizawa-kun.”

I responded with a smile.

It was an awkward smile, like a photo taken with him, and it was the first genuine smile from the ‘me’ that had been missing for a long time.

―――And then, after school that day. I was called out by him.

“Let’s break up.”

That was the first thing he said.

“Why…?”

“You know why, don’t you?”

His voice was cold, and I had never heard anything like it before.

“You’ve been dating that guy Takizawa, right? It’s been going around the class. You two were close friends, weren’t you? Someone said they saw you smiling and agreeing.”

“T-That’s not true! It’s a misunderstanding!”

“What’s there to misunderstand? I saw you two walking home together, didn’t I?”

There was no way around it.

He just kept talking indifferently.

“I bet even if I didn’t call you out, you were planning to break up with me, right? So, I called you out first. It saved you some trouble, didn’t it? Takizawa is much better looking than me, and he has more friends. Of course, you’d choose him. It’s only natural, isn’t it? You were planning to break up from the beginning, weren’t you? If so, you should have said it. It’s embarrassing to have a boyfriend like me, isn’t it? You probably thought so from the beginning, right? Right!?”

It felt like he was holding back his emotions, like he had to do that to keep them in check.

“…”

It looked terribly painful, and I couldn’t help but look away.

I knew I had a submissive side.

But I was the same. We were two peas in a pod.

That’s why we leaned on each other.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?”

He grimaced at me not saying anything.

“Say something! I’m saying all this stuff! Yukino, say what you want to say! Why aren’t you saying anything!?”

I could tell he was close to tears.

But I couldn’t find the right words to say.

“Otherwise, we… we…”

He and I were alike, and he was my mirror.

That’s why I understood. I understood.

His mind was probably already a mess, and nothing I said would get through to him.

Eventually, he let out a small sigh. A sigh of resignation.

“I knew. I knew Yukino was a beautiful girl. But I’m not like that. So I knew this would happen eventually…”

“I… I never…”

“I thought so. I’ve been thinking that ever since Yukino changed! But I’ve been desperately hiding it, and I didn’t want to end up like this, so I…!”

He was crying. His face was all messed up.

I’m sure I had the same expression.

Even though we were both sad, even though we should have hated this, it was already beyond our control.

“I’m sorry…”

“Why are you crying…? Stop it, don’t do that… It’s Yukino’s fault for choosing someone else, not mine…”

It was a misunderstanding.

But I couldn’t find the words to clear it up.

I’ve never tried to persuade anyone before, never fought with anyone.

――I was seeking refuge in him.

“I’m sorry…”

All I could do was apologize.

I didn’t want to be alone. That’s why I wanted someone to lean on.

But I didn’t know how to stop someone who was drifting away.

Maybe I was wrong from the beginning.

Eventually, he left.

All I could do was watch his retreating figure.

――――Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

Why did I try to become beautiful?

I don’t know anymore.

I just felt like such a terribly ugly person for not being able to become Snow White, for only eating the poisoned apple.