Oneshot: I Should Have Liked That Smile

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Translator: Soafp

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I have a childhood friend.

Ayaka Rindou a girl of the same age, is extraordinarily beautiful, excels in sports, and boasts excellent academic achievements. Moreover, she possesses exceptional communication skills. As for me, I’m just an ordinary person with average or below-average looks, academic abilities, and athleticism. There’s nothing particularly remarkable about me.

Ayaka, the perfect beauty, and me, the ordinary guy — we inhabit different worlds.

Normally, we would have walked separate paths without intersecting.

However, that didn’t happen because Ayaka was weak-bodied when she was young and couldn’t play outside much. Ayaka’s busy working mother often asked me to take care of her, and I used to read books to her frequently.

It wasn’t just out of pity for Ayaka; I also preferred quiet indoor activities over playing outside.

The time spent together, just the two of us in Ayaka’s room, reading her favorite books when she was unable to move due to fever, was something I didn’t dislike.

Maybe due to these circumstances, Ayaka grew fond of me and always wanted to be together.

Despite being outgoing and having many friends unlike me, who was shy, she consistently prioritized me, and I accepted Ayaka unconditionally, feeling happy about it.

So, Ayaka and I have spent a lot of time together, but a change occurred in our relationship when we entered junior high school.

Ayaka confessed her feelings to me. She said she had liked me since we were little.

She was genuinely happy that I always supported her when she was too weak to get up. She liked the kind me and wanted us to continue being together.

Who could possibly reject a girl you’ve been together with since childhood, looking at her with such heartfelt eyes that weren’t just fever-induced tears? I nodded, and remembering her smiling with tears of joy, I felt immensely happy.

I was genuinely thrilled that we could continue walking together in the future.

However, such happy times didn’t last forever.

No, to be precise, it’s a bit different. For Ayaka, undoubtedly, a path of happiness opened up.

It’s just that it was slightly different from the happiness I desired.

That’s all. Just that, but it was just an irremediable situation.

As she entered junior high, her past frailty disappeared as if it were a lie, and she never missed school anymore.

So, this was inevitable, one might say. Ayaka chose the tennis club after being invited by her friends, given her previous love for physical activity.

On the other hand, I joined the non-athletic club.

I was subtly encouraged by Ayaka to consider joining the boys’ tennis club, but unlike my childhood friend, who excelled in physical activities and was naturally sociable, I didn’t enjoy interacting with people.

Also, I didn’t like physical activities, so I chose to continue spending my days quietly reading, just like before.

Because of this, we made a promise at that time to keep our relationship secret for the time being.

It was partly my pride; I didn’t want to become a burden to Ayaka, who would likely become busier.

And so, we ended up spending our afternoons separately, but it didn’t bother me much.

She apologized for not being able to walk home together, but our houses were next to each other, so we could meet anytime after returning home.

Besides, we exchanged messages every day, and since we still walked to school together in the mornings, I didn’t feel particularly lonely.

While the time we spent together was undoubtedly precious, I felt that above all, it was good that Ayaka’s health had improved and that she could pursue what she wanted.

In fact, since becoming junior high students, Ayaka had been leading fulfilling days, showing her smile much more frequently than before.

Her smile now shone like the sun, different from the fragile, quiet smile she showed me when she was bedridden. I didn’t say anything.

I thought that this smile, drawing in many people, was probably Ayaka’s true self more than the smile she used to show only to me.

Knowing the difficulties she had faced when she was young, I didn’t want to do anything that might dampen the effort she was putting in now.

Even if that meant creating an unbridgeable gap between us…

I probably wouldn’t have said anything anyway.

Even if I did, would anything change?

No, it couldn’t. I couldn’t ask her not to smile like that at anyone else.

I didn’t have such an ugly desire to voice aloud.

It was when we entered our third year of junior high.

We were about to become high school students, thinking seriously about our future paths, yet the main topic among us, teenagers on the cusp of adolescence, was not about studies but overwhelmingly about love.

Who’s cute, who’s cool—those frivolous talks were increasingly reaching my ears.

My companions for conversation, who were few, mainly existed within the pages of open novels, but I didn’t particularly envy the sight of my classmates gathering in the center of the classroom, chatting joyfully with their friends.

They liked talking to people, but I had drawn a psychological line that I wasn’t like that.

At that time, I was already beginning to accept that I was slightly different from others.

Still, there were moments when my heart would invariably stir.

It was when I heard Ayaka’s name coming from their mouths.

Whenever this kind of topic comes up, her name is always mentioned.

By this time, Ayaka had become one of the most well-known students in school.

No, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say she was the most famous.

Going back to last year, even as a second-year student, Ayaka performed remarkably well as the ace of the tennis club in tournaments, even making it to the national competition.

That alone was a significant achievement, but an incident further raised her prominence.

A photo someone took of Ayaka during a match was posted on social media.

Since becoming a junior high student, Ayaka had become more sociable. Her smile sparkled even more, and she had become even more beautiful.

Even in that captured photo, she radiated charm vividly, capturing the attention of many. Something about her was captivating.

The photo quickly went viral, spreading across the internet, and Ayaka became a topic of interest in online communities.

In response, local TV stations came to interview her after the competition, and various things started happening around Ayaka. Within our junior high, she had become a person of the moment.

The rest probably goes without saying.

In the confined community of our school, these occurrences held immense power, rapidly elevating Ayaka’s social status.

At this point, there wasn’t anyone in our school who didn’t know about Ayaka.

Initially, even I was just happy.

I knew she had been practicing diligently every day, and when she was chosen as a regular player, I rejoiced as if it were my own accomplishment. We celebrated together.

Knowing well about her previous fragile state, seeing her lively, happily moving around and laughing genuinely made me genuinely happy.

Looking back, that was probably the turning point for us.

As a third-year student, Ayaka spent her breaks surrounded by someone all the time.

She began to attract envious looks from underclassmen, and it seemed to be growing stronger by the day.

Now, it wouldn’t be an overstatement to say that Ayaka was at the center of the school. Nobody denied it, and no one could.

I could only watch Ayaka from a distance.

I couldn’t bring myself to step into that circle, and I knew more than anyone that I was unable to do that.

I didn’t like talking to people; I loved immersing myself in the world of books more than anything else.

That hadn’t changed since childhood, and it probably wouldn’t change in the future either.

Even though I knew I was being labeled as an introverted, gloomy person behind my back by other students, I didn’t mind.

Within the pages of a book lay stories and encounters. That was enough for me. I didn’t think of expanding my world; I found solace in my closed-off world.

Above all, I had Ayaka. I genuinely believed that as long as I had her, who I had spent my entire childhood with, it would be enough.

Ayaka understood that too, and although we spent less time together at school, we kept in touch. Even if it was over the phone, we expressed our feelings of love to each other through words.

She received that and returned the same words.

So it’s alright. Our feelings are reaching each other.

I wholeheartedly believed that our relationship would never change.

But.

But I should have noticed.

That people change.

I should have realized that sooner.

Then, within a few months, time flew by.

Ayaka once again participated in the national tournament this year, reaching the semifinals, achieving a remarkable feat, and further raising her fame.

Simultaneously, she became even more beautiful, more elegant.

It might have been due to her growth phase, but her appearance had become more mature than before.

Even for someone like me who had been close by since childhood, it was occasionally breathtaking. Rumor had it that there was even a fan club outside of school.

With Ayaka becoming such a stunning girl that everyone turned to look at, there was no way boys wouldn’t flock around her.

Despite the upcoming exams, a large number of guys confessed to Ayaka almost every day.

Ayaka seemed to turn them down, but rumors occasionally reached my ears about students from other schools and even university students confessing to her.

Some might wonder why I speak as if I’ve heard it from someone else. The answer is quite simple: our opportunities for conversation had significantly dwindled during this time.

After retiring from club activities, Ayaka was invited to hang out or study with someone every day after school, and she complied. Among those invitations, she probably went to meet guys who confessed to her.

However, Ayaka never mentioned any of this.

She just apologized to me over the phone or through messages, sounding apologetic.

[I’m sorry for not being able to refuse. I’ll make it up to you next time. Once the exams are over and we both get into the same high school, things will settle down. I only like you.]

Lately, it had been the same repeated phrases.

Ayaka had always valued social interactions, and on top of that, she couldn’t say no to requests.

I knew that about her, and I even considered it a virtue.

So, I replied that it was okay, but deep down, I started to realize that I was slowly getting hurt.

――― ‘I’m sorry for not being able to refuse,’ what does that mean?

――― Is she really turning down those confessions?

――― Could she possibly be cheating with another guy?

――― Did she find someone better, someone more suitable than a guy like me who doesn’t have any particular strengths?

Such doubts have been crossing my mind a lot lately.

Thoughts that I don’t want to consider keep coming up no matter what.

I understand. I understand it.

Ayaka doesn’t say anything to me because she’s considerate of me, I knew that in my head.

Our time together is already so limited. If there were any shadows of other guys, the intelligent Ayaka would understand my concerns.

Just as I may know Ayaka better than anyone else, Ayaka also understands me better than anyone else. That’s why this must be the most appropriate action, I understand that.

We’ve still kept our relationship a secret from everyone around us.

Ayaka’s rapid rise in popularity made me miss the timing to reveal it, and so we’ve come this far without anyone finding out.

I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

If our relationship were known now, how would people look at us?

Just thinking about it makes me shudder. I feel like I wouldn’t be able to endure it, and I can even imagine the worst-case scenario where jealousy leads to bullying.

So, it’s a good thing that our relationship isn’t known to others, it’s almost like Ayaka is protecting me. It’s something I should be thankful for.

I understood that very well.

Ayaka likes me. That’s why she properly turns down confessions. I’m okay, I understand all of this in my head.

But, my emotions don’t agree.

――― Is Ayaka really still liking me?

――― I haven’t done anything, I can’t do anything for Ayaka

――― Is Ayaka not saying anything because she’s already given up on me?

――― Isn’t it strange that she doesn’t come to me for advice? I’m her boyfriend, after all.

――― Am I being seen as so unreliable?

――― Maybe there’s someone more suitable for Ayaka than someone like me.

I found myself thinking such things.

Not being told anything by her, I'd harbor an unwarranted sense of inferiority, repeatedly concocting worst-case scenarios, slowly but surely wearing down my heart.

I get it. I know that if I have the time to think about this, I should just ask her directly.

But, I lacked that courage.

As conversations dwindled and I saw Ayaka, surrounded by many people, laughing and smiling, I couldn’t shake the thought that maybe she’d already distanced her heart from me.

Facing the possibility of Ayaka’s and my hearts drifting apart, creating a divide, I was terribly afraid to confront that reality.

I truly despised that part of myself, yet I was becoming increasingly unable to rectify it.

――― Maybe I should just break up with Ayaka?

And ultimately, that was the only thought that lingered in the end.

“Being together on the way back home feels like it’s been a long time, right~.”

It happened some time after that.

One day, by chance, there was a moment Ayaka didn't have anything to do, so we arranged to walk home together, side by side in the biting cold wind.

“Yeah, it does feel like it’s been a while.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t come with you. I think it’ll be fine once we’re in high school…”

As Ayaka smiled apologetically, I nodded.

But I quickly looked away and replied.

“It’s okay. I’m not bothered.”

However, I realized I was causing her concern.

Ayaka’s genuine smile should shine like the sun, but I felt deeply sorry that I might be the reason she didn’t show it in my presence.

“…Yeah.”

Ayaka seemed about to say something but stopped midway.

We’d known each other for a long time, so I think I somehow sensed it.

Lately, it had always been like this. Even when she had something to say, she didn't know how to convey it.

Some time ago, I tried to bring up the latest volume of a novel Ayaka used to like, but she seemed apologetic and shook her head.

If I asked, she no longer read that novel. Naturally. She was always surrounded by friends during breaks and had club activities after school. There was no time left to read novels.

I regretted not thinking more about that, but when Ayaka changed the topic, it was my turn to clam up.

Her conversations mostly revolved around who did what in class, usually involving people in our immediate circle or public figures.

Being socially inept, I couldn’t engage in those topics.

Perhaps Ayaka realized that afterward. That face, startled and on the verge of tears, was something I couldn’t forget.

Right, we had already drifted apart long ago.

I kept averting my gaze from Ayaka, while she protected me but never directly interacted with me.

In that time, we became distant, creating an unbridgeable gap.

I clung to the idea that she’d remain the same as the old Ayaka, while she started engaging more with people, causing our conversations to mismatch completely.

Our values had diverged. What we saw, what we wanted to see, was different.

I should have understood that, but I didn’t. No, I was averting my eyes, deceiving myself.

I thought that if the feeling of love remained, it would be enough.

So, this outcome was surely inevitable.

And what would happen from now on, too…

“―――Huh? Rindou-san.”

It happened just as we reached the last intersection before home.

Someone noticed Ayaka, who had stopped at the traffic light.

“Ah… Kuga-kun.”

“Hey, what a coincidence meeting you here.”

The guy who approached Ayaka with a smile was a tall, well-featured guy. I remembered him, and the name Kuga rang a bell. He was supposed to be one of the classmates who often hung out with Ayaka.

“I had something to do and came this way. Is this close to your house?”

“Uh, yeah. That’s right…”

Although Kuga usually smiled, Ayaka, in response, seemed somewhat perplexed.

Normally, she’d respond with a beaming smile. Why―――I’d soon find out.

Kuga, who noticed me, glanced over in our direction.

“Hey, Mizuno-kun, are you heading home too?”

In an instant, my heart skipped a beat.

Simultaneously, I unavoidably realized what a terribly awkward situation this was.

“Wait, were you with Rindou-san? Could it be you two are heading home together?”

“N-No! It’s not like that!”

Thinking I had to deny it, I started to open my mouth, but before I could, Ayaka hastily cut in.

It was probably her usual action to protect me.

“Me and Mizuno-kun, there’s nothing going on! We just happened to be going home at the same time!”

There was no reason to doubt that.

Her face was clearly desperate, and there was no doubt about her feelings.

But―――

“―――Just a fellow classmate!”

The moment she said that in front of me, something broke.

Something crucial that barely held us together.

There was a snap, and I distinctly felt something break.

I knew this was a selfish argument.

But, I… for Ayaka. Only for Ayaka―――

After Kuga left…

We walked in silence, reaching our respective homes. The sky was turning into shades of the evening, somehow looking fantastical. I recall, this time is known as “the hour of meeting demons.” I’ve heard it’s not an auspicious time, and as we walked, I found that to be true.

The clacking of our shoes against the concrete echoed like a duet for a brief moment, then eventually ceased.

“…Sorry. For saying that earlier…”

In front of my house, Ayaka bowed her head.

She seemed genuinely sorry, almost on the verge of tears, looking down.

Perhaps it was her enduring beauty that made even that sight seem picturesque. It was truly unfair—too unfair, disproportionate to me.

“…I’m not bothered by it.”

“….!”

As I responded, Ayaka’s expression changed drastically. Truly, dealing with a long-term relationship was tricky. Even when we should have drifted apart, we still noticed things we shouldn’t have.

“Hey, listen, Kei-kun! That wasn’t my true feelings! I really care about you, Kei-kun!”

“It’s okay, I understand.”

I didn’t doubt Ayaka’s feelings. I painfully understood that she was trying to protect me, trying to protect our relationship.

But, I didn’t want her to deny it. An unspoken understanding that we still cared for each other. That, I believe, was the last line keeping us together.

Even if they were words of falsehood, I just didn’t want her to deny it.

I wanted her to say she loved me.

“…Let’s break up.”

“Eh…”

I’m tired. Tired of it all. Tired of the struggles, tired of facing my own ugliness.

“Let’s end it, our relationship.”

I just wanted to give up everything.

At that moment, I think my heart might have broken.

“W-Why?”

Ayaka seemed confused, not understanding what was being said. But eventually, she seemed to grasp the meaning, tears streaming down her pale face.

“I’m… I’m sorry if I made you worry! But, I had no choice! If I didn’t say that, our relationship might have been exposed, and I thought you’d be in trouble… I-I was just thinking about you, Kei-kun, that’s all…”

“I understand. I understand…”

“Then why would you say let’s break up!?”

Ayaka was sobbing.

She, who seemed so mature before, now appeared like a small child.

“Ayaka…”

Come to think of it, we’ve never even had an argument.

So, I’ve never made Ayaka cry before.

Instead, I now recall the promise I made to myself, to support her, especially given her fragile health.

“I’m sorry. It’s just… impossible now.”

It’s already too late.

I averted my eyes from the resentful glare of my younger self.

“Impossible? What do you mean…”

“It’s not Ayaka’s fault. It’s mine. I just felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore. That’s why I want to end it here.”

“Ah… aaaaahh…”

Despair painted Ayaka’s face.

Being childhood friends is a disadvantageous relationship. Even though we’ve been together for so long and should understand each other’s feelings, sometimes things still become irreparable.

“I’m sorry. It’s because of my weakness. If I were the kind of person who could be with Ayaka, surely—”

I began to speak but stopped myself.

That’s just lingering attachment. It’s something I shouldn’t express anymore.

“I’m sorry…”

Turning away from Ayaka’s sobbing, I rushed into the house.

In the end, all I could do was run away until the very last moment.

“Why… Why did it have to turn out like this? I just… wanted to be with Kei-kun…”

The last words I heard from Ayaka resonated with my true feelings.

Despite sharing the same sentiment, why did things end up like this?

No matter how much I pondered.

Surely, for me, who ran away from the girl I once loved, that was something I’d never truly comprehend.