Chapter 40: True Feelings
Translator: Soafp
“Haruki knew. About Endo-san back in middle school.”
Fukase suddenly said something strange, and I had a question mark floating over my head.
“Huh…? That can't be true…”
“Haruki knew.”
Fukase's expression was completely serious.
“Haruki, when he was a high school student, happened to meet Senda-senpai. At that time, he heard about Endo-san from her.”
Asano… Haruki… met Senda by chance…?
I had indeed heard something like that from Haruki long ago…
“Endo-san was with Haruki for seven years, right? If you were together for such a long time, wasn't there some moment when you caught a glimpse of his true feelings?”
Goosebumps ran all over my body.
…In the first year of high school…
…The diary…!?
In my mind, the memory from that time resurfaced.
During the summer vacation of my first year in high school…
When I first invited Haruki to my house… I heard that he met Senda…
And I stepped out for a while… leaving Haruki alone in my room…
“No… no way…”
After the summer vacation ended and the second semester began, I felt Haruki's attitude became a little colder…during the school festival, he even said things that pushed me away…
Still… in the end… Haruki chose to be with me.
Why…?
“Then… why did Asano… Haruki… stay with me all this time…?”
“I don't know about that. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say.”
“Why… did you know…?”
I was so distraught I didn't even notice Fukase leaving the scene; I stood alone in front of the school gate for a while.
(Mother…)
Since Mother left home, I lost all control.
My dry heart thirsted for moisture… causing cognitive distortions.
“Hey Endo, do you have someone you like?”
“What? Like love or something?”
“Yeah. Recently, people have been asking me to introduce you to them, and it's bothering me.”
Fukase's bad attitude got worse and exposed the childhood friends' relationship, breaking it apart.
After that, Asano and I gradually grew closer in high school, and now, objectively speaking, we could even be called close friends.
“If you like someone, come tell me directly. I'm not interested in cowards like that.”
That's right… I have you.
You are my toy…
I don't need anything else.
“Hey! Let go!”
I held Asano's hand tightly.
“Let go!”
“I won't.”
I absolutely will not let go.
You are mine.
“You're calmer now, right?”
“Y-Yeah. Why?”
“It's called exposure therapy.”
After Asano was betrayed by Fukase, I thought it was a chance when he showed symptoms like gynophobia.
If this guy, who is afraid of women, doesn't feel fear towards me, I can become a special presence in his heart.
Then no extra bugs will stick to my toy.
“From now on, I'll do this therapy regularly.”
“You're really pushy.”
“Then, let's continue the game while holding hands!”
I'm monopolizing the person called Asano. Just thinking that naturally lifts my mood.
…Wait, that means I'm the same as Fukase… But right now, I don't care about that.
My heartbeat is a little fast. Asano's big hand holding mine is so warm.
The first summer vacation in high school. Following my father's orders, I was forced to attend various lessons.
Besides school studies, I was made to do English conversation, programming, and even flower arrangement.
Riding trains to attend classes every day.
Honestly, it was a hassle, and if I wanted, I could've defied my father and spent my summer vacation however I wanted… But I naturally accepted this situation. My heart felt calm, and every day seemed fulfilling… Almost like Mother was watching over me.
“Lately… I haven't seen Asano…”
The reason I could spend such peaceful times was probably because I met a toy that quenched my thirsty heart.
“Maybe I'll contact Asano after today's foreign language class…!?”
When I was walking through a downtown area a little away from home to go to my lesson, My eyes were caught by a person who flashed briefly in my sight.
“M-Mother!!”
I unconsciously shouted. The person who disappeared into the crowd was unmistakably my mother.
I ran from where I was, pushing through the crowd, frantically searching for Mother.
I forgot to breathe as I ran with all my might, catching sight of Mother's back. My heart was pounding fast.
Seeing Mother in front of me made my tension rise.
Mother was walking with an unfamiliar man… and had a very calm smile. When she was with me, Mother was very kind, but she seemed blunt and distant somehow… I had never seen Mother's face that happy before.
“Wait! Mother!”
Without noticing me, Mother kept going somewhere, and I desperately wanted to stop her.
“Seina…”
Mother looked back and quietly said my name. Mother called my name. I was able to meet her again.
I was just happy… moved… fulfilled…
“Is that girl someone you know?”
The man beside Mother asked her. He looked a little younger than Mother… Is this man Mother's new family…?
Could he be the toy Mother was talking about…?
“No… I don't know her.”
My head went blank. Mother didn't even have a shred of interest in me and tried to leave with the man, holding his arm.
“W-Wait. Mother.”
I forced out my voice from deep in my throat to reach Mother's ears. But when Mother turned and gave me a piercing look, I was disappointed.
“Don't come any closer than this.”
“Don't approach me.”
“I don't know you.”
Her eyes told me this so clearly it was terrifying.
“Why… Mother…?”
I had just gotten my toy and was moderately satisfied. But seeing Mother's sharp gaze made my heart dry up rapidly.
I forgot about my lessons and went home, wrapped myself in my bed covers, waiting for my heart to calm down.
My whole body was trembling… my dry heart was agitated.
“Why… why, why!!”
The anger I couldn't vent ate away at my heart and body. At that moment, I noticed my diary buried in the corner of the desk.
I opened the diary I hadn't written in recently and quickly scribbled down today's events.
“Mother… I hate someone like her! Someone who left me and walked away!!”
I wanted to write that. But that's not my true feelings. This diary reflects all my honest true feelings.
Lying only with words is enough. This diary is a mirror that shows my heart. Honestly, just as it is…
“Lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely─────”
I quietly and calmly ran the pen over the paper.
“You’re late, Asano!”
“Y-Yeah. Sorry.”
A few days after that.
I decided to invite Asano to my house.
After meeting with Mother, my heart felt unstable.
I wanted somehow to fill this dry heart… to relieve the stress in my mind…
“This is my room.”
That day, I took action to satisfy my desires using my toy, Asano Haruki.
“Asano, why were you late? Did you get lost?”
“By chance, I ran into Senda… and talked a bit.”
“Senda…? Did he say something?”
“No, he just apologized. About middle school stuff.”
“I see…”
When I heard Senda's name from Asano, I was momentarily startled, but that was a trivial matter.
“Speaking of middle school, remember this?”
“You… that's the rooftop key!? You didn't return it!?”
“This is a spare key, so it shouldn't be a problem not returning it, right? This key is our origin.”
Yes… Asano and I met on that rooftop in middle school.
And from then until now, we’ve maintained a somewhat meaningful relationship.
But… that will end today.
Just eating snacks and having silly conversations was gradually filling my heart.
Was I hesitating…?
Was it really okay to end my relationship with Asano, the toy I met and treasured…?
“So? Which game are we playing? How about this one?”
“No, before that… your room is way too messy. How about cleaning up first?”
“I'll go to the bathroom for a bit. Asano, clean up.”
“Hey! Don't run away! …You're hopeless.”
Using the bathroom as an excuse, I left Asano alone in my room.
Given his serious personality, he'd probably tidy up the messy room.
On purpose, I had left the table cluttered and hid a diary there where I had recorded the scheming actions I had planned behind the scenes.
I doubted if Asano would find it and read it, but since he was somewhat interested in me, the possibility was there.
If that happened….
“I wonder what kind of face Asano will make.”
I'm a lunatic.
So far, I've played the role of being on Asano's side…
But here, I'll reveal the truth and end everything.
The expression on Asano's face when I exposed Fukase's misdeeds was priceless.
And now… I'd get to see that expression again — the face twisted in pain.
Thinking about that, I felt excited and thrilled… but at the same time…
My heart fluttered a little.
I didn't understand why… but my heart ached just a little.
After leaving Asano alone in my room, I calmly thought…
Was it really okay to carry out this plan?
“Hmph… why am I being so calm? Even though I'm a lunatic… this isn't like me.”
I told myself that and killed time until I went back to the room where Asano was waiting.
If he had read the diary… what kind of expression would he have now?
“Asano, is it cleaned up?”
“…………”
“Hey, Asano?”
“Huh? …Yeah.”
“What's wrong? You're spacing out.”
“No… actually, you were late.”
“I went to the convenience store to buy more snacks.”
I put on my usual bright face and glanced sideways at Asano…
But there was no sign of him being disturbed.
The room was a little tidied, and the table where the diary had been placed was neat.
(The diary wasn't read, huh… Why am I relieved about that…?)
Normally, I'd feel disappointed that I couldn't see Asano's anguished cries.
But for some reason, I felt relieved, and that made me question myself.
If Asano hadn't read the diary, then I could just tell him myself.
The whole story…
The truth…
And tell him to read that diary…
“Asano, let's play this game.”
“Ah, yeah… sure.”
…But I couldn't say it.
At that time, I didn't understand anything.
That someone like me, a lunatic, had a normal side too…
I had no idea about my true feelings…
From the start of the second term, I felt Asano's behavior had changed a little.
We still spent time together like before, and in those ordinary moments, my heart was satisfied.
But his attitude seemed a bit cold…
We made a promise to go around the school festival together.
I was looking forward to it.
Somehow… it felt uncharacteristic of me.
Just making that promise made me excited.
But recently, I was bothered by Asano's attitude.
“The invitation to the school festival… huh.”
I suddenly remembered Fukase.
I wondered what he was doing now.
Since he had been so obsessed with Asano, I imagined that somewhere deep down, he was still thinking about and longing for Asano.
“Fukase… maybe something interesting will happen.”
If Fukase, who used to be Asano's childhood friend and was deeply in love with him, got an invitation to the school festival, he would definitely come.
Their childhood relationship ended badly.
Reconciliation was impossible now.
But considering Fukase's personality, it could lead to new trouble.
“Dance well. And become my nourishment, Fukase.”
I dropped the invitation into the mailbox at Fukase's house across from Asano's.
“Earlier… I met Fukase.”
“Fukase? She came?”
“Yeah. We just talked a bit.”
On the day of the festival,
Fukase approached Asano as expected.
Asano's expression seemed a little dark.
“Tomorrow at the festival, if it's okay… could you go around with Shiraki?”
“What the…? What's that about?”
“I told you before, he's a good guy… I thought you might want to talk with him once.”
“What the hell!? We promised to go together!”
I couldn't help but raise my voice.
Why… was it turning out like this…?
“That's true… but Shiraki and you…”
“Don't tell me you're going to meet Fukase?”
“Not at all. We're done.”
Was it a mistake to make Fukase come to the festival…?
I didn't know… I didn't understand Asano's feelings…
“My heart is dry…”
My heart was drying up quickly.
I was no longer calm.
Since meeting Mother a little while ago… something was wrong with me.
The next day, the second day of the festival.
The day we promised to go around together.
I heard that Asano had left early because he wasn't feeling well.
I faked being sick too and left school early, then came to Asano's apartment.
“Where were you at the festival?”
“I left early because I wasn't feeling well.”
“Don't lie, you look totally fine.”
“Doesn't matter. I came here because I'm worried.”
Asano looked healthier than I thought.
“Endo… I'm sorry about yesterday. We promised to go around together, but…”
“Don't worry. The festival happens next year and the year after too.”
At that moment, I didn't care about anything.
I felt like Asano's heart was drifting away from me…
Just like when Mother disappeared from my life.
“Well… I want to hear your real feelings…”
My real feelings…?
What kind of question was that…?
“My real feelings…? Well, we're similar, right? So being together feels comfortable.”
That wasn't a lie.
Being with Asano calms my heart.
He fills my endlessly drying heart.
He is… the perfect toy.
I kissed Asano.
So my toy wouldn't go off somewhere on his own.
After all, men can’t resist sexual desire.
Especially high school boys full of hormones.
“I pushed you away yesterday, didn't I?”
“Doesn't matter… we're both lonely, aren't we?”
We quietly sat on the bed.
Then we took off our clothes and I let myself be embraced by desire.
This would deeply engrave my existence in Asano's heart.
(Men are so easy.)
Anyway, this guy would only move his hips like a monkey when faced with a naked woman.
There was obviously no love there.
“Seina… are you okay? Does it hurt?”
“Ah… yeah.”
Haruki — Asano — awkwardly embraced me.
He didn't just recklessly satisfy his desire.
He cared for me… my body… my heart.
“Seina… thank you.”
While saying that, Haruki gently enveloped me.
(What is this…)
I almost cried.
No… I already knew.
My true feelings…
I wanted to be loved by someone.
You must be logged in to comment.
Be the first to comment!