Chapter 30: Monologue

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Translator: Soafp

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[Seina PoV]

When I was in elementary school, my mother left home.

Ever since then, my sensibilities changed.

No—that's not quite right.

I just became honest.

I tore away the constraints of silly societal justice and common sense.

It was around that time, I think—while watching TV, I heard a term from some criminal psychologist for the first time: psychopath.

“Huh? Isn’t that… me?”

My personality? My disposition? My sensibility? It felt like I had finally found a word to describe them. And it brought me comfort.

Because I am… an abnormal person.

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My family was wealthy by normal standards.

My father, the president of a large corporation, worked late into the night every day.

My mother, a full-time housewife, supported the family from home.

From the outside, we must have seemed like a perfectly happy family.

But inside… I was always parched.

Instead of attending the local public school, I enrolled in a private elementary school a bit farther away—
The kind of place where rich kids go.

I had high hopes for that school.

I had gone to a local kindergarten, and even at that young age, I was disappointed by the kids I met there.
I couldn't connect with them.

They laughed at the teacher's dumb stories, read childish picture books…I just couldn't understand what they were so excited about.

“Mother, why am I different from everyone else?”

“Because you're smart. Other children will grow into their intelligence, but you were born gifted.”

I see… I'm gifted.

That's why I feel this disconnect… this haze over my heart…

The private school I was about to attend was for those who had passed an entrance exam—a special place.

I thought maybe, just maybe, my heart would finally clear up there.

But…

“Ugh, I’m so bored.”

My expectations were crushed.

School was dull. Conversations with classmates and group lessons were boring.

And I was always top of the class.

That place wasn't special at all.

[You were born gifted.]

Now I truly understood what Mother meant by those words.

The one who was special… the one who was out of place…

Was me.

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In fourth grade, we did an experiment in science class with alcohol lamps.

The task was simple: boil water using the flame.

But something about it stirred a deep curiosity inside me.

The high-temperature flame was… unbelievably beautiful.

What would happen… if I touched it?

Of course, I knew it would be hot.

I knew it would hurt, that I'd get burned.

But still, I wanted to feel it—

To know what it would really be like physically and emotionally.

“Teacher! Endo-san’s hand is on fire!”

I touched the flame with my index finger.

A sharp, intense pain shot through my fingertip.

The teacher rushed over, grabbed my arm, and brought me to the sink.

The flame was extinguished with cold water.

“Are you okay!? Endo-san!?”

But I was… moved.

It was such an intense sensation.

Not physically.

Emotionally. It hit me deep in my soul.

That moment stirred my dry, lifeless heart.

“Endo-san!? Can you hear me!? Are you okay!?”

I was so absorbed in the sensation, I didn't see what was happening around me.

When I came to, the teacher's face was pale.

My classmates were staring at me with worried expressions.

My heart raced.

They're… worried about me…?

My heart trembled again.

Not because I was being noticed—

But because my actions had changed their expressions.

That fact filled me far more than even the fire had.

Some were stunned.

Some looked at me with pity.

Some were panicked.

The variety of expressions sent a shiver down my spine.

The haze over my heart lifted, and I felt I had glimpsed my true self.

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From then on, to quench the thirst in my heart, I began observing people… and imagining things.

Should I humiliate the loudmouth in class?

Should I inflict unforgettable pain on the bullies I noticed in another grade?

Should I help the bullied kid, and then keep them under my thumb forever?

I had all sorts of ideas.

Just thinking about them made my heart tremble.

But at the time, I only ever imagined it.

I mean—doesn't everyone have thoughts like that?

“I wish that annoying guy would just disappear.”

“I hope that attention-seeker gets embarrassed in front of everyone.”

Every kid with a vivid imagination thinks something like that at some point, right?

But I never acted on it.

I wasn’t foolish enough to do such things.

Because if I did—someone would be sad.

My father and mother would be sad.

I didn't want to make the two people I loved most sad.

I didn't want them to find out about the abnormal mind I carried.

That desperate wish was what allowed this abnormal person to keep living as if I were normal.

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Mother used to be Father's secretary, apparently.

That's how they fell in love, got married, and I was born.

After I was born, she quit her job to become a full-time housewife.

Back then, we didn't even have a housekeeper.

Mother took care of our big mansion all on her own, always with a smile.

I thought—she must be happy to be married to Father.

But around the time I reached the upper grades of elementary school, Mother was home less and less.

Even when I got back from school, the mansion would be empty.

She stopped leaving meals prepared. Sometimes, she wouldn't come home until after midnight.

“Mother… where do you always go?”

“Hmm? Let's see… to someone important, I suppose.”

I thought she meant Father.

But I felt an unexplainable discomfort and unease.

“Someone important… yes, that person is a precious toy of mine.”

A precious toy…?

I didn't understand why she'd describe someone important as a toy.

But strangely enough…

Even though I couldn't understand her…I envied her smiling face.

Not long after that… I saw Mother and Father arguing.

“How long has this been going on!? Seeing that man every night while leaving Seina behind!”

Mother was having an affair.

Every night, she'd go see another man—letting herself be embraced by someone who wasn't Father.

At first, Father was furious, yelling at her nonstop. But Mother remained calm and composed the whole time.

In the end, it was Father who broke down in tears.

“Mother… where are you going…?”

She was about to leave the house, carrying a large suitcase.

“Seina… people can't win against loneliness.”

Mother hugged me tightly and continued speaking.

“Life isn’t fair. You have to enjoy it. Even if it means hurting someone.”

They were the words of a devil.

She betrayed Father and me, yet didn't show a shred of guilt.

And yet… I didn't feel hatred.

“When you're thirsty, you drink. When your heart is dry, you fill it. That's just how it is, right, Seina?”

I… found myself agreeing with her.

“You and I are cut from the same cloth. You're my daughter, after all. You're bored all the time, aren't you? You want excitement, don't you? Your heart feels dry, doesn't it?”

Mother gripped my shoulders and stared into my eyes, speaking passionately.

As if she could see straight into my soul.

“I hope you'll meet a toy that satisfies that thirst in the days to come.”

I couldn't take my eyes off her.

“Bye-bye, Seina.”

In that moment, the vague notions of common sense that had bound me vanished.

From now on, I would live for myself—to feel fulfilled.

That was the only way I could live anymore.

Because I am… the daughter of a devil—of Mother.