Chapter 35: A New Resolve

Reading Settings

Translator: Soafp

---

“Hm… You don’t look very cheerful today, Yamato.”

“Do I? …I always look like this.”

After dinner, I opened my reference book and notebook and began writing.

Shizuku sat across from me, drawing me as I studied in her sketchbook.

“Yamato really is amazing…”

“What are you talking about? There’s nothing amazing about me.”

Shizuku closed her sketchbook and leaned over to get a closer look at my face as I stared at my reference book.

“You’re the top student in the school, aren’t you?”

“Well… that’s because the school I went to before had a higher academic level than this one, so I suppose it’s only natural. Not that I’m saying that to look down on this school.”

“I know that. You’re a kind person, Yamato. What I’m saying is that you’re amazing enough to get into a school like that.”

I’m really not that amazing.

Shizuku didn’t know what had happened to me, so I couldn’t blame her for thinking that way.

Lately, Shizuku had been making an effort to talk with her classmates at school.

But the Shizuku in front of me now was clearly different from the expression she wore at school.

I think that was probably because she trusted me, at least to some extent.

Her expression was softer than when she was at school.

Her voice was more lively.

She laughed more often.

But I…

“Everyone in class says it’s much easier to understand when you teach them than when the teachers do. You’re really kind, too.”

Seeing Shizuku like this, so cheerful and bright, made my chest tighten.

It hurt.

A lot.

---

“Shizuku, you should probably head home soon… It’s getting late.”

“Ah… yeah. After this program ends…”

She sat in the chair, staring blankly at the television.

Since Shizuku’s mother had unexpectedly been called in for a night shift and wouldn’t be coming home, we’d eaten dinner together.

After that, I studied while Shizuku drew.

Later, Shizuku said she was going to take a bath and went back to her apartment next door. But after she finished bathing, she came back here and had been staying for a while.

It was already past eleven.

Even though her home was right next door, it wasn’t appropriate for the two of us to keep hanging out like this when we were still high school students.

Mom had already warned me about that…

“We have school tomorrow, so you shouldn’t stay up any later.”

Even after I said that, Shizuku continued staring silently at the television.

“Are you interested in that show? I can record it for you if you want…”

“It’s not that… I’m not interested in the TV…”

Not interested?

She’d been staring at it for quite a while now…

“I just… want to be with you, Yamato.”

“Huh…? Ah… yeah, but…”

She wanted to be with me?

We’d see each other again tomorrow.

We’d even started going to school together recently.

And our homes were right next to each other.

“Being alone is… l-lonely…”

Tears spilled from Shizuku’s eyes.

She lowered her head and began to cry.

It felt like my heart was being torn apart.

“…Shizuku.”

I walked over to her and gently stroked her head.

I hadn’t even thought about it. I had just done it instinctively.

Shizuku looked up at me with a slightly surprised expression.

I think I finally understood what Mom had meant before leaving for work today.

“Yamato… being alone is scary. It’s lonely. …I don’t want to go home.”

Sniffling and shedding tears, Shizuku looked at me with pleading eyes.

I couldn’t bring myself to abandon this fragile girl standing in front of me.

♢

The room wasn’t very large.

Shizuku and I laid out two futons with a little space between them.

“Shizuku, okay? Mom should be back around seven in the morning, so make sure you wake up and go home before then.”

“Yeah, I know.”

She hugged my pillow gently, looking lonely.

“Um… that’s my pillow. Could you give it back?”

“No.”

She immediately refused and hugged the pillow even tighter.

Was she making it clear that she had no intention of giving it back?

“Haa… Fine. Then Shizuku can use Mom’s futon…”

Before I could finish, Shizuku slipped into my futon.

“Hey, that’s my futon.”

“I’d feel bad using your mom’s futon when I’m a guest in someone else’s house.”

She didn’t feel bad about using mine?

There was no point in arguing any further. She clearly wasn’t going to listen, so I gave up and got into Mom’s futon instead.

“Shizuku… I’m turning off the light.”

“…”

There was no response.

Judging from how she’d been acting earlier, Shizuku was probably emotionally unstable right now.

I switched the light to the small night-light.

Normally, I slept in complete darkness, but given the situation, I figured it would be better to have at least a little light.

(I… can’t sleep.)

In this dim room that was different from usual, with a girl my age lying beside me, I was strangely nervous and didn’t feel like I could fall asleep.

If Mom saw us like this, she’d definitely give me a serious scolding.

I couldn’t afford to oversleep either.

All I could do was close my eyes and wait for sleep to come.

“Yamato… are you already asleep?”

I was lying with my back turned toward Shizuku in the neighboring futon, so I answered without changing position.

“…No, I’m not asleep.”

“…I see. I might not be able to sleep tonight.”

“You should sleep. We have to get up early tomorrow.”

“I know. But… when you’re here… when there’s someone beside me, I feel really safe. It makes me happy.”

“Are you… always lonely?”

“Yeah… I only have my mom. I thought she’d be coming home tonight, so…”

I’ve felt something similar before.

Before my parents divorced, Mom often worked late-night shifts.

Dad wasn’t home very often either.

“Mom’s always working… At school, I’m alone… I don’t have any friends…”

I had been isolated at school too, working part-time after school, making dinner when I got home, and studying until just before I had to sleep.

“When I’m pretending to be strong… I’m actually surprisingly okay. But… when I’m going to sleep, or when I’m alone… I get really scared.”

Scared…

“I know that I stand out at school. Even if I pretend I don’t care, when I’m alone at home, I remember everything that happened that day and keep beating myself up over it. I wonder if my classmates are talking badly about me… Or if I’ll eventually become the target of harassment or bullying… And then there’s my future, too…”

A small bit of anxiety would grow larger and larger until she could no longer deal with it on her own.

“Haha… I’m… way too mentally weak, aren’t I? Th-That’s just… the kind of person I am…”

Shizuku was crying again.

Should I tell her that everything would be okay?

Those words had saved me a little while ago.

But… I couldn’t come up with the kind of thoughtful words that person had been able to give me.

“Shizuku…”

Still lying down, I turned toward her.

In the dim light, I could see her face.

She was crying, looking both sad and frustrated.

I reached one hand out from beneath my futon toward her.

Without hesitation, Shizuku took my hand and squeezed it tightly.

“You’re a coward, aren’t you, Shizuku?”

“Yeah… I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize. You’re a coward, but you still found the courage to take a step forward.”

It must have taken a tremendous amount of courage for her to show me her weakness.

“Yamato… can I… come over there?”

Shizuku’s hand was trembling.

“Yeah. You can.”

I wasn’t going to do anything inappropriate.

When you’re lonely or scared, everyone wants someone to help them.

Everyone wants someone they can rely on.

Shizuku slowly slipped into my futon.

She buried her face against my chest.

She was still crying.

“You know, Shizuku… I couldn’t find the courage to do what you did.”

I wasn’t good with words, and empty words wouldn’t reach her heart.

So… all I had to do was show her my own weakness, too.

“Before I transferred here, my grades at school were really bad.”

I could feel Shizuku react slightly to my words.

“I really wanted to go to university, but my family was poor, so I worked part-time and studied. I got exhausted, started acting unpleasantly at school, became somewhat isolated, and spent my breaks sleeping.”

Maybe there was no point in telling her about my circumstances…

“Y-Yamato… I’m sorry. Those must have been painful times…”

“No… I don’t think I had it as bad as you did. Because I had… a childhood friend.”

“A childhood friend…?”

“Yeah… She was my motivation. She was the reason I kept trying. But… I was an idiot who didn’t understand anything. I was just a kid dreaming of ideals I couldn’t even put into practice.”

Looking back on it now, the person I had been until recently really was ridiculous.

Even when my grades dropped because I was always working part-time, I had been convinced that I could make up for it whenever I wanted.

I had been overconfident and full of myself.

I’d foolishly assumed that the promise my childhood friend had made was something special not only to me, but to her as well.

That I was someone special to her.

When I heard the rumors at school that my childhood friend and my best friend were dating, I should have accepted the truth.

I had already been left out of the picture.

Already…?

No.

That’s not right.

From the very beginning…

“That childhood friend… was she… a girl, by any chance?”

“Yeah… she was.”

Shizuku pulled away from my chest slightly and raised her head.

Her eyes were still filled with tears.

I placed my hand on Shizuku’s head and gently stroked it.

Looking at her face like this made my heart ache.

I knew why.

The expression on Shizuku’s face, her wounded heart… they were exactly like the girl from my past.

My childhood friend.

Aoi.

They were so much alike.

[I think they’re similar. Shizuku-chan and Aoi-chan.]

Mom’s words echoed in my mind.

She was right…

They really did seem similar.

“Yamato… about that… childhood friend of yours…”

Shizuku stopped herself once.

I didn’t interrupt.

I quietly waited for her to continue.

No matter what she asked me, I wouldn’t run away or try to hide the truth.

“Did you… l-like that girl…?”

Her voice was so faint that it seemed to disappear into the darkness.

“Yeah… I did.”

Perhaps influenced by her voice, mine came out slightly hoarse as well.

“I… didn’t understand anything. I got my hopes up on my own, became overconfident on my own, and completely failed to see reality for what it was.”

Shizuku buried her face against my chest again and began to cry.

Maybe I shouldn’t have told her about any of this…

“Shizuku… I’m sorry for telling you all this… I-I’m really not anything special… There’s… nothing I can do for you…”

That’s right.

There was nothing.

There was nothing I could do for Shizuku…

All I could do was stay here with her like this.

“Yamato…”

The next moment, Shizuku lifted her head and slowly wrapped both arms around the back of my head.

Then she gently pulled my face toward her and pressed it against her chest.

“Sh-Shizuku… what are you doing…?”

I immediately tried to pull away from her.

But… for some reason, all the strength left my body, and I couldn’t move.

“Yamato… thank you. For telling me. It must have been painful.”

Shizuku’s tears ran down her cheeks and dampened my hair.

“I-I’m… fine… It’s not like I’m hurting now…”

“That’s a lie.”

What was this feeling…?

“Because you’re crying too, Yamato.”

Shizuku’s warmth gently enveloped my dried-up heart.

“I’m sorry. I’ve only been thinking about myself… I’ve just kept relying on you, Yamato.”

The strength of Shizuku’s embrace tightened.

“I can’t do anything for you… but you’re amazing, Yamato. You’re incredible. You work so hard. And you’re kind.”

I didn’t know what these emotions welling up inside me were.

Was I…

…happy?

…sad?

…frustrated?

…angry?

“It’s okay… I’m sure you’ll be okay, Yamato.”

Okay…?

Those words had always stayed with me.

The person who had encouraged me…

My senpai…

They had both told me the same thing.

“Shizuku… th-thank… you…”

I could hear Shizuku’s breathing beside my ear.

Her chest was warm and incredibly comforting.

“Yamato… th-thank… you…”

For the first time, I felt like I had finally faced the bitter memories I’d spent so long avoiding and refusing to look at.

Shizuku was still crying as she held me gently, refusing to let go.

As if we were tending to each other’s wounds, we had finally released the emotions we’d kept locked away.

And I stopped trying to hold back my tears.

---

“Yamato, you’re such a crybaby.”

“You’re one to talk. Though… I guess I am too.”

In the end, we both kept crying until our eyes were wide awake and neither of us could sleep.

Without talking much, we simply closed our eyes and waited for morning to come.

“It’s getting bright outside.”

I stood up and opened the window, where the morning sunlight was beginning to shine through.

The crisp early-morning air felt incredibly refreshing.

“Yamato, I’ve been thinking about this for a while… but I want to seriously study art.”

“…I see.”

Shizuku’s expression somehow looked different from the one she’d had last night.

“I can’t just say I’m going to an art university or an art college. My family isn’t wealthy, and the entrance exams probably won’t be easy either. But whether it’s a junior college or a vocational school… I want to try.”

I was happy to see Shizuku, who had always had such low self-esteem, finally say what she wanted for herself.

“I’ll support you. Talk to Machiko-san about it, and then you can take some time to think about what you want to do.”

“Yeah. Thank you.”

Watching Shizuku take one big step forward after another made me ask myself a question.

What do I want to do?

“Shizuku… I…”

This wasn’t about being stubborn.

Maybe you could say I was still trapped by my past.

But I…

“I’ll try too. I’m going to take the university entrance exams. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get into a really prestigious university. And even if I get accepted, I might not actually go.”

I had been running away.

But no matter what had happened in the past, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life running away.

That’s right…

I was going to try.

I didn’t want to be left behind by Shizuku as she took a step forward on her own.

I didn’t want to leave her alone.

“Yeah, you should! You’ll definitely pass, Yamato! Though… coming from someone like me, that doesn’t have much credibility, does it? Haha.”

“That’s not true. Shizuku… let’s work hard together.”

“Yeah! Let’s do our best! Let’s work hard together!”

Shizuku, thank you.

I don’t know what I can do for you.

But if you ever find yourself struggling or stumble along the way, I’ll be there to help you.

So that you can one day walk through your life on your own.

Until then.

Until that day comes.

…I’ll stay by your side.