Chapter 19: Growing Anxiety

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Translator: Soafp

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A daily life centered on studying.

Most students at this school were probably aiming for higher education.

On this day, with summer vacation just a day away…

“Why do you always… look so sleepy?”

I was feeling frustrated.

“…I already told you before. Comics and anime… are just too interesting, you know.”

In the recent final exams, Yamato hadn't made it into the top-ranking students.

“Staying up late… that's why your grades dropped…?”

“…Yeah… maybe…”

Seeing him answer with a hint of guilt stirred a sense of anger in me.

“Why…?”

The Yamato I liked… was ambitious, knowledgeable, and serious…

“Why have you turned into this!?”

Studying required consistent effort.

If you slacked off now, the consequences would be obvious later.

Yamato couldn't possibly not understand that.

And yet…

“I've been trying my best with studying, you know. This time… sure, my grades were bad…”

Although he hadn't ranked among the top students this time, he had scored at or above the average in every subject.

There was still plenty of time to make a comeback.

“Hey, Yamato, when summer vacation starts, let's study together again. Like we did back in middle school.”

“No, that… my dad wouldn't allow it. Meeting up… that is…”

“Yeah, that's why I meant at the library or a family restaurant… I think some study rooms at school are open during summer vacation too.”

Yamato wasn't just a high achiever.

I had seen his natural talent up close—talent so great it could almost be called genius.

That effort had led him to pass the high school entrance exams with a perfect score.

“Let's work hard together again!”

He could easily meet my father's conditions.

I would go to the same university as him.

And beyond that…

“I'm… sorry. I'll do my best on my own…”

Hearing those words from him made me feel stunned, shattering the bright future I had imagined.

“I-I'm worried about you, Yamato!”

“What… are you worried about?”

“You're often isolated in class, and your grades too!”

“What's wrong with being isolated? And my grades… they're not that bad, are they?”

No… that's not it.

This isn't the radiant Yamato I know.

“Y-Yamato… about summer vacation…”

It was my first summer vacation as a high school student… I wanted to do all sorts of things with him.

Lately, we hadn't even been able to talk casually like we used to.

I wanted to talk a lot, go out together, and study together…

“Aoi… just leave me alone…”

Those words were clearly meant to put distance between us.

“Uh, um… w-wait a minute…”

I was in shock… I couldn't even speak.

I didn't want to upset him like last time.

I didn't want him to hate me.

My timid, weak heart peeked through.

Because of that, I couldn't bring myself to call after him.

I wanted to spend special time with Yamato during summer vacation.

My heart had been racing with that hope…

On the day the first semester ended, the students gathered with friends to walk home together and discuss summer plans. It was lively and cheerful—but in contrast, Yamato's behavior was cold and indifferent.

Watching him walk home alone, briskly, his back looked… so lonely.

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“They say you were first in the grade on the exam.”

“Ah… yeah.”

Today, I was having dinner for the first time in a while with my father, who was usually so busy he was rarely home.

“I hear… Toru Murase-kun did well too.”

I didn't report my grades or school matters to my father in detail.

“Yeah… seems like it.”

I wondered who he had gotten this information from…

“Toru-kun seems like he has potential.”

“…Potential?”

“There's a chance he might be a suitable match for Aoi, that's what I'm saying.”

“W-what? I… I care about Yamato…”

“Then how's that Yamato doing?”

Even though he knew about Yamato and Toru, and must have understood that Yamato's grades had dropped…

“Yamato… he can do it if he tries.”

“Can do it if he tries? Even with talent, if he doesn't produce results, it's meaningless.”

“I know that already!”

I shouted back at my father in frustration. But…

“Aoi.”

Again… that look.

His piercing gaze.

The overwhelming presence of my father made me shrink in fear.

“Don't make noise during dinner.”

Timid… weak… my heart.

One more step, and I couldn't push forward—neither with my father nor with Yamato.

(I have to change… I have to…)

I began to want to rid myself of this weak heart.

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Summer vacation at Kaimei Academy was short.

It started in August, but in the blink of an eye, about three weeks passed, and the second semester began.

I spent that summer in restless frustration.

I wanted to see Yamato.

That feeling overflowed, and it hurt.

But I still remembered his words from the end of the first semester.

[Aoi… just leave me alone…]

I had thought about visiting Yamato's house for the first time in a while when my father was away at work. I went as far as the apartment building where he lived… but I couldn't go any further.

It seemed Yamato's father didn't like me visiting.

If I ran into him, he might report it to my father and cause another big conflict.

But the biggest reason was… I didn't want Yamato to hate me.

If I ignored his words and went to see him, it might fracture the relationship we had built… and I was afraid.

“Yamato…”

When we went to school, we always met in front of the station.

Today was the first day of the second semester… but he hadn't shown up on time.

“…He's not coming.”

A wave of anxiety wrapped around my heart.

Had I done something wrong…?

Was he refusing to walk to school with me anymore…?

Could it be… he hates me…?

“Aoi!”

As my obsessive thoughts wouldn't stop, I heard someone calling my name.

“Y-Yamato…”

I turned toward the voice, and there he was—my waiting friend.

“Sorry, I'm late!”

Seeing Yamato running toward me, out of breath, my heart felt warm, like flowers blooming.

“Ah, I overslept… wait, Aoi, what's wrong!?”

“Huh?”

“W-why are you crying!?”

I was surprised at myself.

Tears were flowing from my eyes on their own.

“I-I'm fine. Something just got in my eye!”

He handed me a handkerchief, and I hurriedly wiped away the tears.

(I can smell Yamato…)

The handkerchief carried the scent of the detergent he used… and it made me feel at ease.

“You okay?”

“Ah… y-yeah.”

“Really? Let me see.”

I answered awkwardly, and he leaned in to check my face.

(S-so close!)

Yamato's face was inches away.

All my earlier anxiety vanished, replaced by a racing heartbeat I couldn't control.

“I-I'm fine now! Come on, we'll be late if we don't go!”

The tears that had fallen unconsciously… I realized just how strongly I cared for him, and I felt both surprised and happy.

“Aoi… um, sorry.”

“It's okay that you were late. Just be careful next time.”

“No, it's not that… before summer vacation… I was cold to you… I'm sorry.”

Yamato… he'd been worried about me.

“No, it's totally fine!”

He hadn't hated me.

Just knowing that made me truly happy.

“Hey… Aoi…”

The instant I felt relieved, his tense expression made my whole body go rigid.

“From now on… how about we go to and from school separately?”

“…W-what…? Wh-why?”

Blood drained from my face.

I had a bad feeling.

“See, I want to focus on studying from this semester. I plan to wake up early and study until just before school starts.”

“Ah… I-I see… If you're gonna study, the school's study rooms open early in the morning too! I could go with you then!”

“No… I can concentrate better alone. I'll also go home early after school and… focus on my studies…”

I want him to study… but…

“…I-I see… so that's how it is.”

Not with me… huh?

“The second semester has the cultural festival coming up, right? That'll be fun.”

“…Yeah.”

I wanted to ask more about that… but…

“And the sports festival too. Toru'll probably do great. He's athletic.”

“…Yeah.”

Yamato had so obviously changed the topic, and I wasn't in a mental state to say anything.

I couldn't push further.

…I don't want to make him angry.

…I don't want to upset him.

…I don't want him to hate me.

If being disliked by Yamato or avoided is the alternative, it's much easier… just to endure things as they are.