Chapter 7: What is Reflected in Cloudy Eyes From Amanatsu’s Perspective

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Translator: Soafp

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My mind went completely blank.

Hatsukade-kun and Sakura were both looking at me.

“Ugh… ngh…”

The back of my nose stung, and tears began spilling down my face.

This was a love that could never be discovered.

I had meant to keep these feelings locked in my heart.

Even if we could only be friends, I wanted to stay by his side for even one second longer.

I was afraid to lift my face.

Feeling sweat run down the back of my neck, I looked up at Hatsukade-kun.

He always wore a scowl in class, but when we were alone together, he would smile just a little, as though he was enjoying himself.

But Hatsukade-kun in front of me wore an expression I had never seen before.

His eyes were wide open without blinking, his eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

He hadn't so much as flinched when the class made him into a laughingstock, yet now he was flustered.

How many times was I going to cause him trouble?

“…Nakina.”

“Don't touch me!”

I slapped away Sakura's reaching hand.

It was the first time in my life I had ever shouted that loudly.

Ah… I had spent two months with Sakura, and this was the first honest thing I ever said to her. What a disaster.

“I'm sorry, Nakina.”

“Stop!”

I didn't want to hear anything right now.

I didn't even understand my own feelings.

I was embarrassed that he knew I liked him, ashamed that I had come to like him at all—it was all a mess.

“Amanatsu, calm down. Take a deep breath.”

It was only when Hatsukade-kun said that that I noticed I had started hyperventilating.

A rough, wheezing sound came from my throat.

Why was he still being kind to me, even in a situation like this?

If he would just reject me coldly, maybe I could give up.

As though something had snapped, I ran toward the stairs without looking anywhere else.

I heard both of them call after me, but I sprinted straight to the classroom.

I threw open the sliding door, grabbed my school bag from my desk, and held it tightly to my chest.

The stunned gazes of my classmates pierced into me.

Pretending I couldn't see any of it, I kicked hard against the floor with the toes of my indoor shoes.

Just before leaving the classroom, I stopped for a moment.

I had a feeling that if I crossed that boundary, there would be no going back.

I shoved the anxiety that crossed my mind into a corner of my head and fled home.

---

The next day, I skipped school by pretending to be sick.

Maybe Mom believed me, because she didn't say anything.

“Haah… Maybe I'll play a game for the first time in a while.”

I couldn't bring myself to watch the makeup videos from beauty YouTubers that I had checked every day.

As I tried to distract myself with a game, I remembered.

“…Oh, right. I threw out my controller.”

On the day I decided to devote everything to reinventing myself for high school, I had said goodbye to my old companion. I had completely forgotten.

So I'd have to play a phone game instead.

Playing a shooter would stir up my old blood and make me lose track of when to quit, so maybe that was for the best.

Lying in bed, I idly tapped away at a mobile card-game app.

It was unbelievably comfortable.

I didn't have to watch my friends' expressions in the classroom and give myself a stomachache.

“…This is the best.”

I should try to think positively.

Maybe I had simply been trying too hard all this time.

Wasn't it important to take a day off and rest like this?

“I can just go back to high school tomorrow.”

This wasn't an excuse.

It was like giving myself a reward.

Tomorrow. There would be tomorrow.

Then, the following morning.

I put on my makeup perfectly, changed into my uniform, and stood at the front door, ready to go.

Then a wave of exhaustion washed over my whole body. My legs felt heavy, and I couldn't move forward.

Until the very last moment, I had truly intended to go to school, but my motivation rapidly shriveled away.

In the end, I stayed home again.

Mom forgave me, saying that I had only just gotten sick, so it couldn't be helped.

But when I repeated the same thing the next day, and the day after that, Mom visibly frowned.

“I'm staying home again.”

“…When do you think you'll be able to go back?”

“I don't know.”

“Honestly… You worked so hard to be able to attend high school, but you're going to end up like you were in middle school again.”

That was such a cruel thing to say.

My stomach really hurt.

At first, I had been pretending. But now, every time I put on my uniform, a tight pain gripped the pit of my stomach.

Turning away from Mom's worried gaze, I shut myself in my bedroom upstairs.

I dove onto the bed and latched onto my mobile game.

I tapped at the screen as if I were pounding all my stress into it, crushing opponent after opponent.

Before I knew it, my rating had reached Platinum rank. My phone notifications read: “Your average device usage has increased by ten hours compared with last week.”

I rolled onto my back and let my phone fall onto the bed.

“Maybe… I'm in serious trouble.”

In my heart, I thought, Tomorrow for sure.

If not tomorrow, then next week. At worst, next month.

But I understood painfully well that time would not push me forward.

Rather, the longer I stayed shut in, the deeper my feet would sink into the mud, until I could no longer escape.

I didn't have the courage to read the messages everyone had sent me.

If I went to school now, they would question me endlessly about why I had been absent.

I didn't think I could explain it well, and if I failed to bluff my way through, they might find out that I used to be an introvert.

No—maybe they were already talking about it in the classroom.

Once that thought took hold, my imagination kept carrying me in worse and worse directions. I pulled the blanket over my head.

“…I'm going to sleep.”

I'd forget about it. Someday, everything would surely work out.

---

The doorbell woke me up.

It was already evening outside.

Wondering who it could be, I checked the monitor in the living room—and thought my heart would stop.

Sakura was standing there alone.

Why? How?

My throat suddenly went bone-dry.

She puffed out her cheeks as she peered into the camera, repeatedly pressing the bell.

“Hellooo, Nakina! Are you home?”

Frightened, I hurried back to my room and peeked through a gap in the curtains.

Just then, I saw Sakura tilt her head and start walking away.

That scared me…

I never expected Sakura to come all the way to my house.

It was surprising that someone who seemed to live purely on momentum would make the effort to visit a girl who had stopped coming to school. Maybe it was just a whim.

But it didn't end that day.

Every evening, Sakura came to ring the doorbell.

Our homes were in opposite directions from the station nearest the school, yet she came day after day, pressing the bell over and over.

I didn't want her to realize I was pretending not to be home.

So when that time came, I shut my curtains tight, turned off the lights, and hid under my blanket.

Only after secretly watching Sakura leave did I finally feel as though I could breathe again.

How long was she planning to keep this up?

If she came on the weekend too, my parents would be home.

There would be nowhere to run.

(What should I do…?)

Then, on Friday afternoon, I was trembling because I was scared of tomorrow coming.

The stress had gotten so bad that I had ordered a game controller online the night before.

I didn't want to go to school anymore.

I wanted to stay in my room, pass the time, and have no one interfere with me.

The doorbell rang.

I ran to the front door like someone surfacing from underwater in search of air.

At this hour, school was still in session.

It had to be the delivery driver.

“…Yes!”

“…Hey, Amanatsu.”

Standing in front of the door was Hatsukade-kun, wearing his usual scowl.

---

My thoughts jammed together until it felt like my brain might burn out.

Paralyzed by panic, I couldn't move. Without meeting my eyes, Hatsukade-kun murmured:

“Can I come in?”

“…Uh, sure.”

It definitely wasn't okay, but I nodded anyway.

Then Hulk, our German shepherd, lumbered out from the back of the living room and wagged his tail at Hatsukade-kun.

“…”

“Are you scared of dogs?”

“No, I like dogs. I'm just afraid of being bitten.”

“It's okay. Hulk used to be a police dog, so he's well trained.”

“I see.”

When Hatsukade-kun held out his hand, Hulk happily licked it over and over.

Hatsukade-kun's cheeks softened slightly.

I found myself staring at his profile, then suddenly snapped back to myself.

“T-The living room is this way.”

I hurried toward the living room, checked only that it wasn't messy, and let him in.

After taking a seat, he played with Hulk, who had rolled over at his feet and exposed his belly.

My hands shook as I poured barley tea, causing it to spill from the glass.

The person I least wanted to see was inside my house.

Hatsukade-kun knew that I had feelings for him.

Heat crawled up from deep inside my body, heavy and stifling.

“…It's just plain tea, but.”

“It's hot today, so this helps. Thanks.”

The sound of his swallowing echoed as he tilted the glass.

Feeling an indescribably tense atmosphere, I perched shallowly on the chair across from him.

“…How do you know where I live?”

“I asked Hiiragi and she told me. I feel bad about prying for your personal information.”

“That's fine, but… um, what about school, Hatsukade-kun?”

“I was quietly aiming for perfect attendance, but I skipped.”

“W-Why?”

He showed his white teeth through a small gap in his lips.

“Hiiragi said that whenever she visited, Amanatsu was always out. She's an idiot. It was obviously you pretending not to be home.”

“Ugh.”

“If she came after school, you'd ignore her, and at night there was a good chance she'd run into your family, so I figured that would be difficult. I thought if I visited openly in the middle of the day, you'd let your guard down and answer.”

“…That's awful. Don't openly explain your whole plan in front of the person you targeted.”

Also, it was so accurate that I couldn't say anything back.

Even at a time like this, Hatsukade-kun was still Hatsukade-kun.

I fumbled with my words. I didn't want to ask, but I couldn't avoid it either.

“So… why did you come?”

“Mm? To get my handkerchief back.”

“…”

Without moving even an eyebrow, Hatsukade-kun wore a mask-like expression that revealed nothing.

“Are you seriously saying that?”

“Of course.”

“You asked Sakura—the person you just fought with—to tell you my address, skipped school, and came all the way here just to get your handkerchief back?”

“That barely counts as a fight. They were just barking at me on their own.”

“Don't change the subject… There's obviously another reason.”

“I'm not lying.”

I knew it…

Hatsukade-kun was that kind of person.

I didn't know whether he realized it himself, but he pretended to be distant while overflowing with awkward kindness. How many times had that saved me already?

“I like you, Hatsukade-kun.”

“…”

“I'm a troublesome girl who did something as awful as a fake confession, then selfishly fell in love afterward.”

“…”

“And after that, I caused you so much trouble. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't refuse the punishment game because I was afraid everyone would exclude me. That's what gave people a reason to look at you coldly and talk badly about you.”

“I don't care about that.”

“Stop being kind to me. There's nothing but reasons for you to hate me.”

Please, don't make me fall for you any more than I already have.

For someone who had no right to love him, that kindness was poison.

I had desperately tried to forget, but my heart—fed with fuel once again—began pounding hard. Crushed between love and guilt, I struggled to breathe.

“I'm not angry about the fake confession anymore. Something that minor wouldn't hurt me.”

“That's a lie. You're just acting tough when you say that, aren't you…?”

“I mean it exactly as I said. Actually, I've had a fake confession before.”

“…What?”

“And not a light one like yours, Amanatsu. A much more serious one.”

Hatsukade-kun said that, then drained his glass of barley tea in one go.

Letting out a deep sigh that sounded utterly unmotivated, he began to speak.

“It was in middle school. The girl was a childhood friend and classmate…”

“Wait, is it really okay for me to hear this?”

“If I don't tell you this, you won't accept it, will you?”

He narrowed his eyes at my interruption as if I were a nuisance, waving a hand as though to say, Just listen.

“I liked her. We had been together since we were kids and got along well. Neither of us said it out loud, but I thought we would eventually date. I believed she felt the same way. Then one day, she asked me to come to the rooftop after school. I foolishly got my hopes up, thinking maybe that day was finally the day. I remember thinking of nothing but how soon class would end.”

Hatsukade-kun continued in a casual tone.

“And then, yeah. She was waiting on the rooftop. Just as I expected, she confessed. She said she'd always liked me and wanted to date. Of course, I said yes too. Then people gradually started coming up to the rooftop.”

As though recalling the scene, he gave a faint laugh.

“It was all a prank. She had lost a punishment game and apparently had no choice but to confess to me. The footage from then got spread around my classmates on social media. They said the video of me blushing and looking happy was hilarious.”

“…I can't believe it.”

“That childhood friend laughed too. I wondered how she could do something like that to me when we had known each other longer than anyone else in class.”

Then Hatsukade-kun looked directly at me with serious eyes.

“Compared to that, Amanatsu's fake confession was like childish horseplay. Besides, you cried your eyes out, so it didn't even work.”

I nodded without speaking, and Hatsukade-kun furrowed his brow suspiciously.

“…Why are you crying again?”

“…Sniff.”

Before I realized it, I was sobbing.

No matter how much I wiped them away, hot tears kept falling.

“Because I feel so sorry for you, Hatsukade-kun.”

If the childhood friend I loved did something like that to me, I wouldn't be able to live. Especially not in front of all my classmates.

And I had done something similar to a person who had deep trauma from a fake confession.

Once again, I was confronted with how terrible my own actions were.

Hatsukade-kun grimaced and roughly scratched his head.

“Hey, were you even listening? The point was that because I've been through something like that, I don't care about what you did. Why does that make me pitiful!?”

“…Sniff… B-But after that, you couldn't trust people anymore, so you closed your heart and chose a life of being alone forever, didn't you?”

“Stop proceeding with my life on the assumption that I'm going to die alone. What is wrong with all of you? I want to have at least one romance someday too.”

“Whaaat???”

A dumbfounded sound flew from my crying throat.

Hatsukade-kun returned to his usual grumpy expression, crossed his arms, and leaned back in his chair.

“Well, it's true that what happened in middle school made me sick of everyone around me. But everyone makes mistakes when they're young. Even hopeless idiots can miraculously calm down once they become adults.”

“…O-Okay.”

“If the people around me become like that, I might fall in love with someone or make friends I get along with. It's just pointless to expect that from high school students, so I stay alone.”

“Um, Hatsukade-kun… you're a high school student too.”

“Don't put me in the same category as those people.”

“That makes no sense…”

His ridiculously unreasonable logic made my tears dry up completely.

“And don't pity me. I made sure my old grudge was settled.”

“What happened to your childhood friend, by the way?”

“Hm? I told the teachers and her parents, then cornered her. I even went to a psychiatrist as a performance and made sure everyone knew how badly I had been hurt.”

“…That's brutal.”

“In the end, her whole family moved away, and she transferred schools.”

“Thinking I might have ended up like that makes me feel sick.”

I meant it seriously, but Hatsukade-kun took it as a joke and laughed.

“Haha. Well, anyway. That's why, if you don't come to school, I can't get my revenge. So I'll be waiting on Monday.”

There he went again, being kind.

After hearing everything he had told me, I felt even more strongly that I had no right to date him.

Yet no matter how hard I tried to give up, Hatsukade-kun kept striking straight through my heart.

“I should get going. You can return the handkerchief at school.”

After petting Hulk, he put on his shoes at the front door and left without looking back even once.

As I moved to close the door, I noticed a cardboard package that had been left outside.

I carried it back to my room and shoved it unopened into my closet.

Then I picked up the phone lying on my bed and tapped through the countless messages I had left unread.

My chest burned with an almost painful warmth.