Chapter 12 – As Long as Her Heart Hasn't Been Corrupted…

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Mahiro had barricaded herself inside her closet.

“Oh, she claims it helps her stay calm. Says that if she’s in a bright place, she'd start thinking, ‘Ah… with this much light, everyone will see just how filthy I really am.’ So now, she only lives in the dark.”

“That's not ‘staying calm.' That's just self-loathing.”

If this was rock bottom, I didn't even want to imagine what worse looked like. The last thing we needed was the accident-magnet girl deciding to off herself and turning this house into even more of a haunted disaster.

Chihiro-san gave me the go-ahead to check on her. She figured it'd be better if she stayed put, so I was on my own for this one.

Alright. Let's see how this s**t plays out.

***

“Go away!!”

The second I reached Mahiro's door, she shot me down.

Could I cry now?

“Look, I can't just leave you like this—”

Before I could even bring up how worried Chihiro-san was, Mahiro cut me off.

“Go away!! I don't need your pity or your half-assed sympathy!!”

Damn. That was cold.

Sure, I got it. I was probably the last person she wanted around right now. But still. We had known each other since forever, and now all of that went out the window just because she had slept with some guy? That was all it took?

That s**t didn't sit right with me.

…Maybe I was more hung up on this than I thought.

Whatever. If I couldn't talk to her face-to-face, I would just say what I needed to from the other side of the door. She didn't sound like she was about to jump off a building, so I figured I could afford to be a little harsh.

“Yeah, yeah, feeling down is one thing, but getting all self-destructive over it is another. What, heartbroken? Tough s**t. I got dumped too, remember? By you. And right after that, I got called a scrawny twig to top it off. You think that didn't hurt? Of course it did. But I'm still standing. Still kicking. Still hard as hell, even.”

“……….”

Silence.

“What, or are you just pissed that the guy you liked used you and tossed you aside? If that's the case, well, you did that to yourself. You could've said no. You didn't. You got high off your own feelings, and now you regret it.”

“……….”

Still nothing.

Alright. If she wasn't going to say anything, I might as well keep going. Turned out, it was real easy to let loose when you weren't looking the other person in the eye. No need to hold back. No need to sugarcoat a damn thing.

“Or maybe, deep down, you can't stand the fact that your body's been dirtied beyond repair? What a joke. You gave yourself to him of your own free will—what the hell's ‘clean' or ‘dirty' about that? If you've got the time to mope about that, try moping over something worth a damn. Like, say, philosophy or some s**t. Sleeping with someone you love isn't dirty. So what, does that mean sleeping with someone you don't love is? Then how about sleeping with someone you don't love for the sake of someone you do? Where do you draw the line? It's all in your head.”

“……….”

Silence again.

“Yeah, sure, your body might be stained, covered in some guy's sticky, milky mess, pickled in cum like some half-rotten relish. But you know what? Nobody, not a single f*****g soul, can paint over your heart with their nasty-a*s spunk. Bodies can be scrubbed clean. Get some good soap, and you're golden.”

“……….”

Not a peep from inside the closet.

“And for the record, I wouldn't give a s**t if a girl's body was ‘dirty.' That's what showers are for. What actually makes someone filthy is stabbing people in the back, putting on a fake face, and laughing at them behind their backs. That kinda girl? Now that's what I call dirty.”

“……….”

More silence.

“So quit whining over something that's already done and dusted. Even if you made a mistake, if you didn't do it out of malice, then just own up to it and move on. Learn from it, and don't f**k up the same way twice. Simple as that. As long as your heart's still clean, nothing else matters.”

“……….”

…Yeah, I had gotten a little petty there, but could you blame me?

I mean, really. She had jerked me around, rubbed her new fling in my face, then made a mess of everything, and now I had to be the one to clean it up?

That was some grade-A bullshit.

Whatever. I had said my piece. Felt like I was lecturing myself just as much as her, but that was fine. This was the last favor I was doing for her as a childhood friend.

“Alright, that's it. I'm done. Do what you want. Just don't make Chihiro-san worry any more than she already is. She's all you've got, y'know?”

I turned to leave.

And then—

A tiny, barely-there whisper.

“…I'm… sorry…”

I didn't respond.

There was nothing left to say.

Scars on the heart and filth on the soul were two different things.

Time to go home and study.