Chapter 5: A group of Chuunibyou patients

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Translator: Soafp

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The carriage rocked gently as it rolled down the highway.

“It’s boring.”

“Yeah, boring.”

“Tell me something interesting.”

“Then how about the story of when you stepped in dog poop and almost cried—”

“If you want to fall into hell, just say so?”

“I’m sorry.”

With a smile still on her face, Nee-san grabbed me by the collar. Yikes, scary.

We were on our way to the royal capital to begin our school life next week. Since the academy dorms came furnished, we didn't have much luggage.

Our parents, who had just returned from traveling abroad, tried to stop us from leaving out of loneliness, which was kind of funny in hindsight.

“Hm?”

“What is it, Ask?”

“I think I heard someone talking.”

“This is a forest. You must have misheard.”

No way.

After all the body modifications I've gone through, my senses are sharp—sharp enough to hear someone scream from kilometers away.

“I'll go check it out, Nee-san.”

“You change clothes fast.”

“The quicker a hero transforms, the better!”

I pulled the black coat and plague doctor mask I'd hidden in my suitcase and jumped gracefully from the carriage.

Following the direction of the voices, I ran through the forest.

“Must be that way.”

After running for a while, I came upon some ruins—totally out of place in this forest. I didn't expect to find ruins this close to the capital.

Wait—voices again.

They were coming from the center of the ruins. I crept closer, careful not to make a sound.

“To think that the perfect sacrifice, the princess herself, would wander the city without guards. When I heard her curse was lifted, I panicked, but the goddess has not abandoned us.”

“Don't speak of the goddess so carelessly. If they hear you…”

“…Forgive me. We must act before the knights notice us.”

“I–Is this really okay?”

“You're new, right? You'll get used to it. This is our duty—our atonement. Understand?”

“Y-yes…”

A group of people dressed completely in white robes stood in the open area of the ruins.

They were the total opposite of our “The Indiscriminate Healing Magicians – Nightingales.” Those pure white robes did look kind of cool, though.

…No, wait. That's not the point.

They said “princess,” didn't they?

“Wait, isn't that Princess Victoria?”

She had a cloth in her mouth and was tied up tightly with rope.

…What's even going on here?

“Um, she's like… staring at us a lot.”

“Relax. The Holy Church's robes have a concealment enchantment. Even if she stares, she can't see us.”

The Holy Church? Some kind of religion?

I usually don't hate much of anything, but I absolutely despise religion. Maybe even hate it.

No matter how hard I prayed in my past life, no god or Buddha ever helped me. Screw them.

Well, it's fine if others believe, I guess.

But when I see people obsessed with gods or spirits, I can't help wondering what pain drove them there—and I feel the urge to heal them.

Still, in all my fifteen years in this world, I've never heard of the “Holy Church.”

Wait a second. Those pure white robes… the ominous talk…

No doubt about it!!

This is that disease that only chosen ones in middle school suffer from—

Chuunibyou!

So in this world, people with Chuunibyou actually kidnap princesses…

No, I can't let that happen.

If I leave them alone, they'll do something they'll regret forever—like an embarrassing tattoo that never fades.

Someone has to stop them.

Driven by righteousness, I stepped out of hiding and walked boldly toward the white-robed group.

“Wh—who are you!?”

“…I am the Faceless One, No-Face.”

“No-Face!? The leader of the Indiscriminate Healing Magicians– Nightingales!?”

Oh, nice—they know me. Guess I'm pretty famous now.

“Why are you here!? Did you follow us!? We left no trace!”

“No, this is just coincidence. But… you all seem troubled, don't you?”

“What?”

“Like perhaps you're suffering from a grave illness.”

“W-What are you talking about…?”

“I can tell. But what you're doing right now goes far beyond common sense. Release that girl immediately.”

I mean, if you were just licking knives you bought online, that'd be fine—but kidnapping a princess? That's a whole other level of chuunibyou!

Trying not to provoke them, I spoke gently.

“It's all right. I'll help cure your illness. You just have to trust me.”

Of course, I can't heal mental illness with magic—but I can at least ease the pain they'll feel when they remember this later.

That's why I stepped forward.

But one of them just burst out laughing.

“Ha… haha… hahahaha!!”

“…What's so funny?”

“Even if you're the great healer they say you are, you cannot lift our curse! The only way to end our suffering is to offer a worthy sacrifice to the White God!!”

“The White God…”

Oh god—ow, that's painful. Just hearing that name hurts.

No, don't flinch.

As a healer, it's my duty to guide them back to a healthy life! I can't abandon them!

“I see. If you refuse, then I'll heal you by force!”

“Fool!! You think a mere healer can stand against us!?”

The one who seemed to be their leader attacked first.

His sword flashed—and sliced me diagonally across the torso.

The blow was so sharp it nearly split me in half.

Even with all my physical enhancements, I couldn't follow his movement. These guys are strong!

Looks like chuunibyou patients in this world have high combat power.

“Blame yourself for meddling with the darkness of the world.”

“I don't know what kind of world you live in—but I vow to walk beside you through it.”

“!?”

The leader froze in shock.

Well, yeah, he probably thought he killed me cleanly.

“How… are you alive!?”

“I'm a healer. If I couldn't heal a fatal wound, what kind of healer would I be?”

“Fatal wounds are called fatal because they kill you! What do you mean, ‘couldn't heal one'!?”

“The only thing that can kill me now is old age.”

Well, maybe if my head gets crushed, that'd do it too.

“Dammit, surround him! Kill him!!”

“Yes, sir!!”

The white-robed group surrounded me from all sides and attacked at once. Their movements were precise and disciplined—they weren't amateurs.

From every direction—even above—they came.

Too fast for me to dodge.

But that's fine.

Even if swords pierce my heart, spears tear through my lungs, or scythes slice halfway through my neck—if I can endure, it's no problem.

“You're really fast.”

“D-Don't you feel pain!?”

“I do. But it's nothing compared to what I've felt before.”

The pain I endured bedridden in my past life was far worse.

And it's still nothing compared to the pain these people will feel when they one day regain their senses.

“Got him!”

“Wha—my sword's stuck!?”

“I contracted my muscles around it.”

They could've just let go of their weapons, but that one moment of confusion was all I needed.

“Extra Heal!”

A soft light wrapped around their heads.

If chuunibyou comes from delusion, maybe healing their brains will help, right?

…Yeah, no.

“Hahaha! As I thought, even you can't break our curse!”

“Tch, so it didn't work.”

“No-Face, thanks to you, we understand now! To end our suffering, we must resurrect the White God!!”

“I see… your illness is beyond even my highest-level healing magic.”

I had been arrogant.

I thought mastering healing magic would let me save everyone—injured, sick, everyone.

I was a fool.

Just mastering healing isn't enough to save people.

I need more power—magic so strong it can heal any wound, any sickness, even chuunibyou itself.

“For now, I'll withdraw. I can't cure your illness yet. But someday, I'll heal you completely.”

I threw a small orb at the ground.

In an instant, thick white smoke filled the ruins.

Good thing I always carried that around in case bounty hunters or mercenaries came after me.

Bye-bye now.

“Ugh!?”

“I can't see!!”

“Calm down!! Wait—the princess—she's gone!?”

I sprinted out of the ruins at full speed, carrying Victoria under my arm.

For now, I'd take her to the capital and hand her to the knights or guards—then meet back up with my sister.

“Ahh… it's so good to see you again, No-Face-sama.”

“I'm glad you're safe, Princess Victoria. But how did you end up captured by them?”

“I snuck out of the castle to try a new dessert that was trending in the capital… and somehow got caught.”

“‘Somehow,' huh.”

“Yeah.”

I'm weird, but this princess is something else.

“No-Face-sama.”

“What is it?”

“Marry me.”

“I'll pass.”

“Please think carefully. I might not be as pretty as Christina Onee-sama, but I'm good-looking, and my ch*st is big. We could do ‘beep' and ‘beep' every day—”

“Neck chop!”

“Fghk!”

Can't let her say any more—royal dignity and all that.

Anyway, about those white robes.

I need to develop new healing magic—something that can cure even the illnesses of the heart.

“Maybe the magic academy will have some clues. I hope so…”

As I ran through the forest toward the capital, I muttered quietly.

…Never realizing that Princess Victoria, barely conscious, had overheard every word.