Chapter 18: Silence.
Translated and Edited by: luccayn.
Common Honorifics:
-san: A polite suffix, but not excessively formal.
-kun: A common suffix among friends and younger people.
-chan: A common suffix among people you’re close with, mostly used for feminine nicknames and girls, since it’s cutesy and childlike.
-senpai: A common suffix and noun used to address or refer to one’s older or more senior colleagues in a school, workplace, dojo, or sports club.
“What are you doing here? Who’s that girl…?” Tsukino’s voice came as a shaky mess.
One look around told me this was a place I’d been to before. The intersection from where Tsukino’s house was visible from. Most likely, feeling the need for a change of pace, she had gotten out of bed at a strange hour and was gazing out the window, only to see our annoying figures under the streetlight.
Has her fever gone down any? Isn’t she cold, wearing fabric so thin? Regardless of these answers, it was clear she wasn’t pale due to illness. It was obvious from looking at her face that she had turned pale because I had cornered another girl against the wall.
Tsukino, a girl who was pushed away when she wanted me most. A girl who had to witness a girl coddling up to me as if it were a show… A girl so pitiful.
“Good evening, Michiru,” Saori greeted before I could speak, letting her gaze linger on me for a moment longer, then releasing her grip and letting me go.
“Saori-chan…” Tsukino finally realized who she was.
“I’m sorry, this happening right in front of your house is…”
“Shut up, Saori-chan.”
I felt myself sober enough to stand on my own two feet. Perhaps it’s that good liquor doesn’t leave mischief for long, or maybe it was the kiss punching me awake. Maybe even the guilt consuming me from inside.
Regardless, I’m prepared to draw this curtain. Wiping the moist from the corner of my lips, I didn’t fail to notice the sweet linger of her taste.
“Tsukino, sorry for cutting you now, but there’s something I need to confirm with you.”
“What is it?”
“Do you like Hareta?”
They both sucked air in like knives. My words cut through the previous chaos like a knife. Or rather, the lack of emotion in my tone did. I realize it doesn’t quite fit the romcom vibe, whatever that means.
Oh well, there’s nothing quite like being myself.
“Yeah, I do. But, it’s not like that.”
Her incomplete denial is not something to be pieced together through guesswork.
What she wanted was merely a signpost to ensure she wasn’t addressing the wrong person. It’s the height of folly to hesitate at this point. The answer was already there from the start. For us, the only thing that matters is how to end it.
…Now, here lies the problem.
What should I choose? Based on what evidence?
Whose feelings are stronger, Tsukino’s or Saori’s? Which one is right for me? If I follow the motto I’ve always lived under, then I should use pure logic to compare what I’ve seen of the two. The data.
Assuming that relationships exist as an extension of helping others, one can also obtain a logically satisfying compromise. Since it’s about finding the most acceptable answer, it should be digestible as one conclusion.
If I were to select the elements for that, undoubtedly, I should look at which of the two is currently more unhappy. Choose the one who would be worse off without me, and use the method to help them. It’s for reasons very much to my liking, and there’s nothing that screams me more than this.
However, there will always be at least one person who cannot be saved by that method. Someone who is beyond saving, beyond redemption, left behind in regret.
Needless to say, that person is me.
It’s not like I have any complaints about not being saved myself. I don’t even remotely think that dating girls is unfortunate. I’m used to things not going as planned, so I just have to find a way to make it work within the reality I’ve been given.
The problem is how she sees me. One day, she’ll feel something is off, come to her senses, and know my regrets. Will she be able to live on without any hindrance?
…I can say with certainty.
For her, it’s very unlikely.
So, what I should choose is a way to erase regrets from this place. Once they’re locked away in the heart, they’ll never disappear. Regrets that will surely become lifelong scars should never be planted.
It’s something that can never exist in the story of a hero who makes everyone happy. The most correct way is to share our wounds and each choose a different way of living. It’s the cruelest and most peaceful way where no one is pushed onto someone else, and no one becomes happy.
That’s the only way for me, an unreliable narrator, to regain trust. Only by starting from zero here can I believe that I deserve to fall in love again.
…So.
“I’m sorry, Saori-chan.”
“What are you apologizing for? I’m not sad at all, you know?”
That’s a lie. A happy girl wouldn’t make such a face.
“I didn’t understand your feelings back when we were in elementary school. I can admit now that I was foolish for not understanding, considering there’s no shortage of examples. I finally get it.”
“Hehe, you finally understand.”
“Yeah, I finally do. Everything I disliked about you was somewhere in my past. I’ve engraved it in my heart now, so thank you, really.”
And then, I took in a deep breath.
“I can’t respond to your feelings, Saori-chan.”
Silence. A quiet so lonely, so poignant, it was akin to a pod being blown out of a spaceship, only to be left drifting in the void for all quiet eternity. Only a painful silence remained.
Until it was broken by a hoarse question. “Huh?”
Saori tilted her head with a twisted smile, clearly not understanding my words correctly. Am I still unable to be clear, even in this situation? Well, she and I were never fair, and I truly despise what our relationship has become.
“I’m not planning to absolve myself of my sins, but you’re going too far, too. You’ve distanced yourself quite a bit without even needing to expose yourself.”
“But, you like me, right? If you’re devoted, you’ll forgive me for this, won’t you?”
“Yeah. That’s the biggest problem, Saori-chan. My first love was definitely for you. I’ve even doubted my own memories, but I loved you so much I couldn’t think of anyone else.”
“Then!”
“But, that love is over now. I’m not in the place where you are anymore.”
The reason she can’t have me is because I’ve been trapped in the past.
Moving forward, getting hurt, I’ve gradually stopped pursuing what’s genuinely right. The heart that I’ve continued to lose has become twisted, not knowing where it’s going. In desperately living only for the present, I’ve ended up in the farthest place from the strength to envy the successful and favor the losers, regardless of good or evil.
The sense of justice I held back then has already been trampled and crushed by reality. Surely, I’m no longer the Shinji Takatsuki that Saori loves.
However, I believe that’s correct, at least when it comes to living. Only the present Shinji Takatsuki is so serious about it.
“But… isn’t being devoted about that? I won’t ever betray you, Shin-chan, you know that, right!?”
“That’s not it. Devotion is not about stagnation. Let alone denying parting and separation.”
This is my truth. It’s a bit different from the correct meaning of the words listed in the dictionaries. It’s the most correct fact in my life as Shinji Takatsuki. What I wanted, what I blindly believed in, was all for one single reason.
“Devotion is the power to cut through the cold darkness of doubt. You, who never moved forward, never once believed in me.”
And then, as if comforting a small child, I gently, gently, only once, stroked as one last act from me to her. The thing I hate most in this world isn’t betrayal. If it were her, she surely should have realized the answer by now.
Truly, it’s pitiful.
“…Did you believe in me, Shin-chan?”
“I believed in you.”
How lonely I was, learning knowledge that might be wrong without knowing anything. How reassuring it was to see your name on the library card of a borrowed book. You probably wouldn’t understand it, Saori.
“So, why does it have to be like this? I… I…”
“I believed in you until the day of that class trial. Your plan had already failed by the time it started.”
However, the most ironic thing was that it was because of that class trial that I was able to obtain “my truth.” If even a little bit of the method had been different, the outcome would have settled in a completely different direction.
Do you understand?
You were the one who helped me grow.
“So, at least for that, I won’t apologize, Saori-chan. Because neither of us was wrong.”
“Don’t call me Saori-chan.”
“I can’t help it, Saori-chan. Because you’re still stuck in that class trial.”
“Don’t call me that like you used to!!”
I probably knew. From the moment I saw her this morning, I sensed that she was much more childish and fragile inside than her appearance suggested. As my first love, I can confidently say that it was natural to understand that much.
This experience is solid evidence that love is a good thing. I’m really glad I could dedicate my first love to you.
“…!”
I saw Tsukino’s restrained expression. Was she crying in place of Saori-chan, who seemed to have forgotten how to cry? Or is she suffering from pain because she correctly understood my intention?
I am sure that Tsukino will not be left behind like Saori. No matter where her true feelings lie, her tears are proof that she has accepted reality.
“I said I’d be there for you!!!”
“You didn’t keep that promise. That’s betrayal, Saori-chan.”
I’ve fulfilled my responsibility, I won’t make excuses. Inside, there’s a refreshing feeling of having rid myself of doubt, mixed with a sense of loss from losing my first love.
It’s a strange feeling. For the first time, I might have actually saved myself.
“See you later. Next time, I want you to tell me about a book I don’t know about.”
Leaving only those words behind, I turn on my heel and head back home after a lingering glance. Only the echo of my footsteps resounds emptily; it seems like this was a significant crossroad in life.
…After taking a shower and changing, pouring milk coffee, deleting the master data of the manual I handed to Tsukino, pouring tea over cold rice and adding sweetened red beans, turning off the radio that had been on all this time, spreading out the futon, and turning off the lights when I entered the room.
At that moment, I realized that I was crying just a little bit.
The last time I’d felt this lonely was when my grandma had died.
Thank you for reading! Feel free to comment your opinions below!
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Mirilu
April 12, 2024 at 9:43 pmNice?
shidoss
April 13, 2024 at 2:58 amJust wut… I swear somehow it even worse then Lucas attempt into girls movie.
Sabishi
April 13, 2024 at 5:09 pmThank you for the chapter
Please keep at it