Chapter 19 | Melancholy

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Since that day, I haven’t had any contact with Ria.

Instead, Reina came to be by my side.

In the beginning, my classmates were shocked at Reina’s appearance, but as time passed, they started to get used to it, and even when Reina came to me every break time, no one cared about it anymore.
The members of the soccer club also stopped saying anything to me.

Although it started out twisted, a new, peaceful daily life had been formed.
Even so, every time I see Ria, I still feel bitter.

I still hadn’t recovered.

One day, when the final exams were coming up in two weeks, I decided to have a study session at Reina’s suggestion.
The location was Reina’s house.

“Excuse me for intruding~”

This was the second time I had come to Reina’s house.
After entering the room, I sat down at the small desk, just like before.
Then, Reina sat down next to me.

“Now then, here’s a question, Shinse-kun.”

“Yes, what is it?”

“What do you think is something that a man and woman of that age would do alone in a closed room?”

She held my right hand and whispered into my ear.

Come to think of it, it’s been a while since we’ve done that kind of stuff.
Since that day at the mixer… it’s been almost two weeks.

“But, do you still have them left?”

“…What?”

“What do you mean by what…?”

“Ah, you mean the condoms. At that time, you were doing your best, weren’t you? So, I was wondering if you had any left?”

“No, at that time, I asked you to stop since I was tired, but you didn’t stop, Reina…”

“Maybe it’s just your imagination. It was my first time, you know? I didn’t have that much leeway.”

“You sure say that a lot…”

I gave a wry smile.
Reina, who always had a composed smile on her face, had never lost that expression before.
Even when unexpected things happened, she would calmly deal with them.
That’s what I know that Reina Futaba is like.

My image of Reina hadn’t changed much from the image I had of Reina before I had gotten involved with her.
She was always calm, and a mature female student, just as I thought.

Conversely, Reina, who had an overly high image of me, is probably disappointed by the difference.

It seems like Reina had fallen in love with me, thinking that I was someone who lived a life caring for others.
But, I’m completely different from the person that Reina had imagined.
I’m just someone who acts out of self-preservation.

The me that Reina had fallen in love with and the real me are completely different.
When I think about that, I become worried that I’ll be dumped sometime.

“In the first place, do you even want to do that kind of stuff with me, Shinse?”

“Eh? But didn’t you imply that earlier…?”

“I only invited you to my house to study, but Shinse was a beast, huh?”

Reina chuckled.
I was completely being led on.

“…Let’s study.”

“Yeah. Well, even if you’re depressed, I’ll give you a reward if you can beat me in the next test.”

“…Really?”

“Really.”

“Then, I’m motivated to do it… no, it’s impossible. There’s no way I can beat Reina.”

The reason why I couldn’t beat Reina last time was clear.
Reina had gotten perfect scores in most of her subjects.
Even if I got 95 points, there would be a difference of 5 points per subject.
That would add up, and there would be a difference of 20 or 30 points.

On top of that, the highest score in every subject was what Reina had gotten.
I can’t even fill the gap by getting a higher score than Reina in one subject.

“You give up too easily, Shinse.”

“Well, yeah.”

“Someone who knows you well said that you used to be someone who never gave up, but I wonder what caused you to become like this?”

“…”

“That person also said that you were someone who stood up for what you believed in. That you had the will to decide what you wanted to do by yourself. But they also said that you had recently become someone who is easily swayed by the opinions of those around you.”

“So, there was someone who was watching me so closely, huh?”

But that was just an overestimation.
The reason why I didn’t give up in the past was because I wasn’t seeing reality for what it was.

A boy with unreasonable dreams would eventually match their imagination and illusions with reality, realize that it was impossible, and then give up.
A person with a sharp way of life who was sticking to their own opinions would suddenly start to conform to those around them when they realize that their way of life doesn’t work.

That’s what it means to live in society, and what it means to become an adult.
Although, I was reminded that I was still a child with what happened with Ria.

“Who did you hear that from?”

“From Takanashi-san.”

“When you say Takanashi-san… do you mean Sora?”

I’ve been with Sora since middle school.
But even so, Sora during middle school wasn’t in any club like she is now, and I barely had any contact with Sora.
The only time we had properly talked was when I had saved her when she was getting harassed by thugs when we were in third grade, and I hadn’t even met with her for the past year after I entered high school.
Now that Sora is a high schooler, we’re now talking to each other on a daily basis, but Sora shouldn’t be that familiar with me to the point that she can talk about how I was in the past.

Even so, I was a little surprised to know that Sora evaluated me that way.

“I have a general idea of what caused you to become like this…”

“You really do see through everything, Reina.”

“I can only see through you, Shinse.”

Reina said that, and then rubbed her cheek gently against me.

…My view of life had changed drastically since that summer.

Since that summer, I stopped choosing for myself.
I stopped making decisions by myself.

That’s because I didn’t want to regret the choice I made.
On that day, I had made the choice to leave Hiyori-chan to die.
And, I immediately regretted that decision.

If I hadn’t hesitated to save her, then Hiyori-chan’s body wouldn’t have gotten paralyzed.
I wouldn’t have felt that unbearable fear of possibly dying in the water.
That’s what I thought.

“I’m scared. When I think about the choice that I make might become something irreversible.”

“If you keep letting others make the choices of your life for you like that, then you’ll regret it again.”

“Again…?”

“You’re still regretting what happened with Shiina-san, right?”

“…”

Right now, I think that breaking up with Ria was the right choice.

On that day, Reina had told me that we were going to break up someday anyway.
Because of the differences in our values, the differences in how we see things, and the fraying of our trust, it was certain that we would have broken up someday soon.

But, it wasn’t all Ria’s fault.

There was a part of me that was leaving the decision-making to Ria.
I never asked Ria to do this or that.

Since I didn’t restrict Ria’s actions, Ria started acting based on her own judgment.
In other words, it was also my fault that Ria’s selfish personality had increased.

And, my relationship with Reina was also a result of me not rejecting it that night and just going with the flow.
It was a result of me deciding on things because of Reina instead of making my own decisions.

The result of me running away from choosing for myself at every moment had added up, and in the end, I ended up breaking up with Ria and dating Reina.

But, if I had properly talked to Ria.
If I had told Ria the things that I hated.
If I had shown that I was willing to convey my opinions to Ria.

Then, the result might have been completely different.
When I think about that, I can’t help but regret it.

When I witnessed the scene of her cheating, I made the choice to break up with Ria.
I thought that Ria, who had cheated on me, was not someone who I could entrust my choices to.
At that time, I thought that it was the first time I had made a choice for myself in a long time.
But, I don’t know if that decision was the right one or not.

What if I had talked to Ria instead of choosing to reject talking to her at that time?
What if we had talked, adjusted our views and thoughts, and improved?

What would the result have been?

Also, in the end, I had left the discussion with Ria completely up to Reina.
Even though I was the one who was supposed to have talked to Ria, I was afraid of saying my own opinion.
Just like how I had stopped Shō, who was trying to save Hiyori-chan, with my opinion at that time, I was afraid that the result would change because of my opinion.

I was afraid of deciding on the ending with my own choice.

It’s not like I have any lingering feelings for Ria.
It’s just that I start to think about what would have happened if I had made choices at every moment, and I can’t help but think about those hypotheticals.

“I intend to do anything that you want me to do, Shinse. Even now, if you wanted to do that kind of stuff, I would do it even if I didn’t feel like it. But, that’s not what you want, right?”

If we only did the things that we wanted to do without any restrictions, then our relationship probably wouldn’t last long.

It would become tedious to get the other person’s permission, and we would have the same kind of disagreement that happened with Ria.

“I love you from the bottom of my heart, Shinse, so I want to do anything for you. But, the reason why you’re not denying my actions is because it’s easier that way, right?”

“…Easier, huh. Yeah, maybe that’s right…”

Maybe I just want to make things easier for myself.

If I don’t make the choice, then I won’t be responsible.
If it’s not my decision, then I won’t be responsible.
I won’t regret it.
That’s what I thought, but in the end, I’m regretting it somewhere in my heart.

“Shinse, no human being can always continue to be correct. There are people who make mistakes all the time. Are you going to let others make all of the choices for the rest of your life because of one mistake?”

My choice to study and become a doctor is also a result of me leaving the choice to someone else in a way.
It’s not like I’m doing it because I truly want to do it of my own volition.

“I want you to properly choose for yourself from now on. Even with our relationship, I want you to be able to tell me that you want to break up with me if you start to dislike me.”

“…I won’t break up with you, ever.”

“You never know how things will turn out, right? There’s no such thing as “never” in the future.”

Reina’s face looked lonely when she said that.

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