Chapter 18: Nagisa’s Family 3

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Translator: Soafp

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June 8, 2024. Saturday. 5:50 PM. I am 16 years old. The anniversary of Kai-chan’s death.

“Gaaahhh!”

Stomach acid burns the back of my throat. The smell of my own vomit makes me sick, and I vomit again.

The disgusting “filth” inside me will never disappear, no matter how many times I vomit.

Even if I try to overwrite it by getting a boyfriend.

You will never be happy.

You, who are tainted.

You, who are an unwanted child.

You, the ugly and pitiful sister who couldn't protect your own little brother.

You have no value in this world.

Something inside me keeps calling out this way, endlessly.

“Cough, cough… Gaaahhh, ughhh…”

Maybe it’s because of the horrible dream I had, but I feel incredibly sick. The dreams always feature Kai-chan. Even after a year, the sense of loss feels as if I lost him just yesterday. And every time I wake up from a dream, I realize again. I lost my little brother to suicide.

That's why I'm clutching the toilet seat, vomiting. I've thrown up all the hamburgers I ate with Rik-kun into the toilet. Even when there’s nothing left to throw up but stomach acid, the nausea won't subside.

“…You're his big sister, right? You can protect him, right? Your little brother.”

“Ughhh… Ughhh… Ptoo…”

Who are you? Why do you always appear in my dreams…? Go away. You're making me sick.

“Nagi-chan? Are you okay? Who are you talking to?”

Somehow, Auntie had come back and was knocking on the bathroom door, worried. I stood up, pulled the lever, and opened the door. Flushing sound.

“Are you okay?”

“It's nothing.”

I wiped my tears and left the bathroom.

“You're clearly not okay, you look so distressed.”

“It's fine, just leave me alone.”

Click, click. The sound of lips popping. My personal warning sound when I'm irritated. When I went into the living room, Dad was there too.

“Nagi, stop it already. You didn't visit your brother's grave, you don't listen to your mother's worries. What kind of daughter are you?”

“It doesn't matter.”

“What do you mean, it doesn't matter?”

“Someone like Dad, who gave Kai-chan away to Mom! I don't care if I'm not your daughter anymore!”

Smack. Auntie slapped my cheek.

“Nagi-chan! You shouldn't say things like that to your father!”

Holding my stinging cheek, I ran out of the living room.

“Where are you going? It's almost dinner time.”

“I'm going to work. You liar.”

“Nagi-chan!”

Getting slapped by my parents and crying while running away—it’s a typical idiotic move. I think so myself. But recently, every day is a mess, and I feel so tainted. This was the only way I could keep my sanity.