Chapter 17: I guess I’m just a liar.

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Translator: Soafp

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Since Honoka started coming, contrary to the happy father’s mentality, his body was visibly declining.

He is, after all, incapable of exercise in general. It was hard to believe that he had played rugby when he was younger.

Despite all this, my father always talked about the old days.

Things about me that I don’t remember. Things about him that I don’t know. About me and Dad. About him and Honoka. About me and Honoka. My father and uncle Narimiya.

And me and my childhood friend.

Perhaps a burden that I had been carrying around for many years had been lifted from my shoulders. Until now, he may have chosen his words out of consideration for me.

But now there is no such thing between father and son.

My father, despite the fact that he was facing death, was not pessimistic, but rather smiling and talking about me. But this is not my story. This is the history of my father, Seiji Asaba.

And at the end of his story, he would always conclude with these words

Tokio Asaba, what are you?

This was a question my father would ask me for a long time.

If someone else heard it, it might sound rather rough. It’s a vague question, and I don’t even know what it means. But it was a secret story between my father and me, a father-son secret, so to speak, that was often asked of me when I was going through a hard time.

Now it has become the most important bond of all.

What are you, Toki Asaba?

This question does not require a correct answer. There is no need to verbalize it in concrete terms. My father asked the question, I answered, and he nodded his head. It was just a father-son question.

It was the same that day. I was in high school. My father saw my limitations in continuing to ignore Narimiya and embraced me. He also said he would respect my opinion.

At the end of the hug, he asked me the usual question.

[Toki, what are you, Toki Asaba? Toki Asaba, what are you?]

[─ ─ …… I don’t know. But…. I don’t want to be here.]

[─ ─ I see. I told you before. I will respect the answer you gave me.]

The first time was when I was in elementary school. Looking back, I wonder what my father was saying to an elementary school student.

I can’t help but laugh.

At that time, I was Toki Asaba because I was born between my father and mother. Was I Toki Asaba because I had led this kind of life up to now? I think that is what he was saying.

At that time, I did not understand. Wasn’t it so because I was born naturally from my father and mother? Am I wrong?　Besides, I am me. But I don’t think that’s what my father was asking.

I remember that there was a short pause when I couldn’t answer him because I sensed that he was asking me that.

I was frustrated that I couldn’t answer the question, frustrated that Dad didn’t say anything more, and I found myself asking him if he knew what he was talking about, without answering.

My dad at that time, soon I’ll know who I am. I believe he laughed when I said that.

At that time, I didn’t understand my father, so there’s no way I could understand him. I think I said that in a very unfaithful way.

Looking back, I think that was a question to myself. And now, in the face of death, what is Seiji Asaba? How will he answer this question?

I think my father was always asking himself what love he had for me, with whom he had no blood relationship.

At the same time, I think he wanted to share that connection with me, even if just a little.

I think he wanted a sensual connection rather than simple words. Maybe he was tired of Honoka’s lies.

I think my father really wants me to be a certain way, but he doesn’t tell me to be this way, and he never has.

Toki Asaba, what are you, huh.

Now that I know what the trauma is and realize my love, I know that I was the one who lied to myself in the past with Narimiya.

At the time, all I could think of was to go through with my feelings and walk away.

In the letters she gave me when I was in college, she wrote to me: regret and repentance, apology and gratitude. A farewell and a prayer. Various thoughts about me were written in the letter.

As we grew up, we also had memories that we gained together. When we met, when we used to play together, when I became aware of her fondness for me, when we started dating…and when she betrayed me and after I left.

I guess I don’t have to answer the letter because of her feelings of betrayal. I guess I could just throw the letter away without reading it, or burn it.

But I felt something was wrong with that. I had my father in my memories, and I felt that I was not Toki Asaba, the man who had been asking himself the questions that father had been asking. That was one of the reasons why I still couldn’t throw the letter away.

I don’t want to sound effeminate, but it has been many years since then. Compared to those days, she and I have both grown up. The feelings I had when I was betrayed have long since faded. The only thing I can remember is her dazzling smile.

If only I had known that the trauma was really that answer, I would have had a future with her. I would not have been betrayed.

I heard from a colleague at work that she apparently has a fiance as well. I hope he is a good man.

She was always so kind and so beautiful.

She would be invincible if she could put aside her lies.

I should write her a letter too. Shall I write from my childhood in line with the timeline she wrote to me? Shall I put into words what I did not put into words?

Let’s end it with that. I hope we can laugh and talk again next time. I want my father to see me again.

Toki Asaba, what are you?

I wonder what I am now.

Just a liar, I guess.

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