Chapter 4: Me, her, and the little envelope. — Part 1

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Translated and Edited by: luccayn.

Common Honorifics:
-san: A polite suffix, but not excessively formal.
-kun: A common suffix among friends and younger people.
-chan: A common suffix among people you're close with, mostly used for feminine nicknames and girls, since it's cutesy and childlike.
-senpai: A common suffix and noun used to address or refer to one's older or more senior colleagues in a school, workplace, dojo, or sports club.

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It was a cold, cold dusk, and we were in front of that convenience store.

“Thank you for yesterday.”

She handed me a cute little envelope, so I reached out to grab it. Well, it's a little strange for me to be the one saying thank you, but I was honestly saved. With it, I could finally return to my usual life, and this fact made me almost tear up with joy. Until then.

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—Whenever you're lending money, do so without expecting it back.

That phrase has become common knowledge, and frankly, it applied to me. The naïve idea that I might get my ice cream money back tomorrow disappeared into thin air, like morning dew slowly transforming into thin mist, then disappearing into the sun.

It was early in the morning and I was nervous as could be, but I tried to put on a calm front while walking to school. To no avail, I'll be honest. Hmm, is this what trying to overcome anxiety feels like?

But well, she had no idea how I was feeling.

They always started with cheery good mornings and ended with wistful goodbyes. From dawn to dusk, except during classes, the popular people in my class had a community and chatted away with each other. I, on the other hand, always sat quietly in a corner, keeping a low profile while trying not to make a fuss.

I'd occasionally visit my friends and tell them that I was able to nab the card I'd wanted at a discount, or that I was going all-out for this year's store tournament since the prices were so good. Heh, it's like I'm some sort of assassin plotting my next victim's demise or something. What a gloomer.

Honestly, I'm pretty pissed off because someone dropped spoilers of that magazine I couldn't buy yesterday, though I'm not in a position to complain about it because it's partly my fault. I'll just have to listen today, I guess.

As I had expected, the romcom I was reading had a divine chapter this week—which I couldn't read—and my friends were giggling excitedly. Meanwhile, I was dead quiet. They wondered what was going on, but since I didn't read it, I couldn't participate.

I just couldn't tell them about the incident with that girl either. I don't know if they'd vouch for me, or if they'd laugh uncontrollably at my pathetic actions, but all I know is that I should hide that and nothing bad will happen.

So, except for the manga spoilers, the day seemed to end as usual. Not a single stirring incident in sight… But to be honest, I have a confession to make.

—I had faint expectations.

Yesterday, she clearly asked me to lend some money, and I said yes. Therefore, she owed me that ice cream money… Maybe. Perhaps. Mayhaps?

Well, she'd have to return what she borrowed. Maybe then I'd be able to talk with such a girl as beautiful as her legally, even if only for a single “thank you.” That's the small dream I dreamed.

Others would probably laugh their nuts off while saying, “No way in hell would that happen! Not even if it froze over!” —Yeah, I know that I'm just me, but sometimes even I feel it'd be nice to talk to a girl. After all, I'm a high school boy like any other. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in them.

Of course, I know it's greedy to ask for more since I talk to Vanilove on a regular basis—No. It's different. Why? Because Vanilove's an angel.

What is it that you want to talk to a girl, a miracle child that God mistakenly gave birth to on earth? It is my greatest taboo to have such a puberty-ridden inferiority complex. I can't even make up my mind.

—Yeah, I know I'm venting.

This is so my unworthy feelings are diverted and do not accidentally run out of control. To put it simply, a chill and enjoyable conversation with a girl my age is to cure any sort of unsavory behavior that may arise from its lack. Guys yearn for such an opportunity, after all.

I'll keep it a hundred: I feel like all the reasons why unattractive men are such are packed here, but that's fine. Laugh at me all you want.

If my words make any sense to you, go. Rather than passively waiting around, you should go in with guns blazing because you're a creditor going for your owed money. Even if you collect it, as I should with the ice cream debt, you'll be able to quickly end your conversation with the girl. There are such extremists, I guess.

But I'll have to wait a bit before going in myself.

I know it would be easier if I could just ask for the money back, but there's a chasm between her and me. If I cross the walls from the commoner fields to the feudal castle that is the popular clique of classmates, I'll be met with rude words. No one would be stupid enough to cross that divide, right?

Moreover, there are too many things about that clique that are hard to grasp. I've seen countless misplaced arguments when a gloomy person like me tried to approach them, sparking off firestorms.

It's their Motus Operandi to sweep anything under the rug, and if you dig a little deeper, you'll find numerous stories of them making gloomy kids the bad guys over nothing. It's terrible.

Would they do that to me as well? It's impossible to know with how thin the relationship between me and them is, so it's better to be even more cautious. In reality, there's no way that an extrovert boss like her would contact a shady guy like me directly, hence my concerns.

That's my disgusting self, a dweller of the corners. I've been in the shade for a long, long time.

Simply put, it's all a matter of being tactful.

Her talking to me openly in front of everyone? I'm well aware that's just another delusion, and I know for a fact that if it ended up happening, my little glass heart would be shattered to pieces in front of something so bold.

In our minds, we dream of romcom-like promises, but we, the introverted and awkward, live every day with a firm grip on reality. We just can't have high hopes for anything. Ideally, we fantasize about having one of those boy-meets-girl moments that happen in anime and manga. In truth, however, if we stand out in a strange way, we'll be the nails to the hammers.

For those who have lived in the corners of the room, the strong light of the center is poisonous. And for those who have lived freely under the sun of social interaction, such damp people are little more than a pain to the nose.

Keep this rant between me and you, okay?

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've been looking at her since this morning, and as usual, I found myself almost falling for her beautiful profile. Though, I'm aware that I'm acting like a stalker and that I'm doing something as disgusting as looking. In the end, I only felt more scared to ask her about the money.

It would've been great if she had just put the money in my locker or desk beforehand, but since she arrived after me, there was no such timing.

Whichever way it went, she'd be a troublesome girl. No matter which cards I played, I would never be able to solve the problem of her owing me money. Then, even if I dreamed and fantasized, I wouldn't be able to enter their habitat willy-nilly.

This observational skill is something that you'll naturally acquire if you spend enough time alone. I should say it's a skill that's constantly active, even. I've been in a wait-and-see mode since this morning to make it easier for her to take action, thinking I shouldn't try anything unnecessary from my end.

Well, in the end, nothing noteworthy happened, so it was but a joke.

However, it wasn't all in vain… I'd say that, but it's an exaggeration. It may have been just my mind playing tricks on me, so let's just suppose our eyes met a few times. Very few.

Despite that, the story was still just a joke.

Whenever my eyes would cross hers, her smile would slowly fade into a serious expression, and she'd look away in the blink of an eye. I did too.

I knew why, but oh well. It's a textbook reaction from a bright person to a gloomy one like me. Brilliant.

Jeez, what's with her attitude? I thought. Is that how someone in debt should act? Do you want me to glare at you or something? However, if I got angry and acted on my feelings, I might just lose my head. Even worse if they found out about my situation with her, so it wouldn't be an intelligent play from my side. At all.

In any case, the rootlessness was one-sided and exhausting to the point of being futile. Soon, it was time to leave school, and that was all that happened today.

A person who bought ice cream, and another who got it. What did I even expect from such a relationship, if I could even call it that? I could go on and on with excuses, but that's all they'd be—excuses.

With the distant chimes of the school in the distance in the background, I trudged along the chilly road home alone, feeling a little heavy on my feet.

The sky is tainted in red and purple, and crows called out from somewhere afar. I huffed a white cloud of breath and felt a strange sense of defeat mixed with it.

How could I dwell so long on something so small? I guess I'm the type of guy who'll go bald and suffer from some mental illness as I get closer to my final days.

Life is “love and peace.” Everyone is different, and everyone's good, right? Well, since yesterday, I feel like I've been the only one out of that loop.

I've been mugged for ice cream, and I screwed up with Vanilove as well…

On days like these, I'd just love to go to my usual toy store and browse the card section, all so I could forget all the bad things that have been happening right now, but I don't have any pocket money left.

Actually, I could get a few packs, but if I do so, I won't be able to get the new ones coming out at the end of this month. Oh no, I have to avoid that. If I can't have them, I won't be able to open them with Vanilove, which has become a routine for me.

I know it's through a call, but it's still something important for me since I can have some fun with her, as I always do. If such an event got canceled, I might go crazy with regret.

While my mind was in overdrive, I didn't notice where I was walking to… As I realized where I was, my feet were already pointed at the store.

I guess it's due to daily imprinting or repetitive practice, or maybe even that my body has memorized the way from school to there. As I thought of a reason, I grit my teeth.

What's more, I've seen something inside it…

Since I didn't mean to get here, I wouldn't go inside, but looking through the big window to the place, I saw it. Familiar faces were all playing happily with cards.

The bustle of the place was exciting, and the atmosphere unique. Such incredible views made my hand itch, and it almost went for the deck inside my bag. But oh well, I don't have any money to grab any new cards, so I just can't get in. Players with no intention of dropping a bit of money are just a hindrance to the store.

If someone I know ends up seeing me, they'll call me inside the place, and if I tell them my conditions, they might even lend me at least the cost of a seat. However, as I felt bad for lending money just yesterday, I'd like to avoid that even more.

Forcefully suppressing my frustrations, I left the place as if running away. At the same time, I got angrier and angrier.

I repeatedly told myself not to be so emotional ever since I woke up today, but what the heck? This has been the worst after-school experience I've ever had, and nothing has gone right. There's a limit to how much my patience can last.

No money. No cards to play with… What a vicious cycle.

I know it's a seed I sowed, but even so, I'm not the only one to blame. It's so unfair.

To be honest, I'm not one to hit anything, so I just look for pebbles. On days like these, when I don't get any good cards, or days when something bad happens at a tournament or something, I just kick a few pebbles all the way home. This might be one of my mental stabilizers, a ritual if you will.

I'm proud to say that I have above-average motor skills, and not so proudly, I've had this gloomy personality since I was a kid. That's why I can't count the times I was so frustrated with things in my life, I started kicking pebbles. If you start doing it you'll get better even if you don't want to.

My parents, on the other hand, tell me I sulk like an old man and that I should stop—

“—Ah, sh*t,” normally, I can kick one same stone all the way home… But today, nothing I do seems to work.

I was almost at the finish line. When I got to the convenience store near my house, the pebble rolled on an irregular part of the road. Mercilessly, the little guy was sucked into a gutter.

Annoying…

I took a look around, but there were no suitable stones for my ritual. Even though I was just ten minutes away, my walk home would be incomplete. I'm also a little bit hungrier than usual.

“—You're being so childish.”

A familiar voice suddenly echoed faintly through the dusk-ridden town. It was a very beautiful tone.

Caught off-guard due to my vision being narrowed by all the unsettling emotions swirling inside, I darted my eyes around until they landed at the exit of the store's parking lot.

“Yo.”

There she was, perched on one of the railings.

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