Translated and Edited by: ynlucca.
The gluck-gluck 3000
“Hmm, that was a good question, though I couldn’t really gather anything… Except for the fact that Kuzuhara-kun is a siscon,” Sakura said, her mouth agape in frustration.
“Shut up. You’re calling me that, but isn’t your escape partner a dog?”
“My dog, Lauren-kun, is so dependable and cool! There’s none better than him! right, Shirayuki-san?”
“Yes, he’s a very clever dog.”
Shirayuki also admits the dog’s talent… I want to meet him now, that dog.
“Well, let’s get back on track; move on! The next question is… This—!”
Flipping through the magazine vigorously, she stopped at a random page.
“Ahem… — ‘It’s summer vacation and you’ve decided to go to the beach to relax after a long time. So, how many swimmers were there?’”
I see, that’s the type of question that won’t need someone’s name. This is a very straightforward one.
The only problem is, well… I can’t see myself there at all.
I’m a homebody at heart, so there’s no way I’d use my precious vacation to go to the beach. I could never get rid of my fatigue there.
Oh well, there’s no use in complaining about that, so let me try to imagine it.
“—You’ve both decided on your answers, right? Let’s follow the same order as before.”
“No people there. If I’m going, it’s gotta be an empty beach.”
“No people for me as well. We have a private beach, so…”
“I see, I see… By the way, my answer is seven people!”
After we each gave our answers, she turned to the next page, and the answer was—
‘The number of swimmers at the beach is the number of people you’ve had.’
A very ridiculous answer.
“…” Silence befell the student council. Sakura and I were speechless.
“The number of people… You’ve had?” Shirayuki tilted her head, confused. It seems like the protected princess was very unfamiliar with this kind of thing.
“… Sakura, can you do the explaining?”
No way I’m going to tell Shirayuki about this. I’m a man, and this is too much for me.
“Shirayuki-san, ‘people you’ve had’ actually means…”
“Um, a man and a woman, erm… Doing the gluck-gluck—The deed.”
“—!” Shirayuki’s pale face turned crimson.
“This question is a no-no! You shouldn’t have that many in your life! You should only have that with someone you’ve sworn to be with for the rest of your life!”
That’s a Shirayuki answer, all right. Solid, chaste, proper.
“But, Sakura… Seven people…”
“I-I’m sure I’m not the only one here with no experience… What are you making me say out loud?!” Her face reddened as she objected loudly.
Yeah, I’m sorry about that… I feel really sorry for you.
“This one was a bit much, so let’s be more… Selective with the questions next time!” She flipped through the pages and stopped on one randomly. “Ah, how about this one?” She pointed at a page with the title ‘Talent Diagnosis’.
“Yeah, fine by me.”
This wouldn’t have any weird results, I’m sure.
“Well then, we’ll each answer the fifty questions in that same order!”
“That’s a lot.”
She was more stubborn than I thought she was.
“Don’t worry. unlike the previous questions, these are all easy multiple-choice questions, and if everyone has fun with it, it’ll be quick as thunder!”
We began answering each question in order, starting with number one.
“—Eeh, so Shirayuki doesn’t like mushrooms?”
“Yeah, it’s not that I can’t eat them, but… I don’t like their mushy texture, is all.”
“Now that I think about it, Kuzuhara-kun is kind of like a mushroom, isn’t he? He seems to grow in dark and damp places.”
“Haha. Want me to blow you up?”
After a short while, we finished giving our answers. Each of the fifty questions had a score that would determine the result.
“Okay then, let’s start with my answer this time. Drum-rolls, please… I’m a type-T!” Sakura said, excited.
“Let’s see, let’s see.”
“Type-T is… Here—”
‘Type-T is a mutant oddity. They are a sharp and talented person, who’ll only show their tremendous power in very limited places and situations. However, their general intelligence is extremely low, and they can’t do anything about it. Good or bad, they are pure and possess a keen eye able to discern the true nature of things. In short, they are cheerful, charming, and loved by all! But keep in mind they are not very smart.’
“Eeh, this is correct.”
“That’s pretty accurate.”
While Shirayuki and I were marveled by the accuracy of this description—
Sakura tried to tear the magazine in half. She hated the results of the diagnosis,
“Whoa, whoa, stop it. Don’t tear ‘The Only Psychological Test in the World’ up.”
“But, but… Why do I have to be told that I’m an idiot by this bogus magazine? I’m very smart, mind you!”
“Nah, it’s accurate. A really smart person wouldn’t call themselves smart.”
“—!” Sakura slapped me on the shoulder after being ridiculed. “Next! Next! How did yours go, Shirayuki?”
“I’m a type-W.”
“Hmm, the type-W is… Here—”
‘All-around brilliant. With their superior intellect and extraordinary effort, they’ll overcome all hardships. They are skilled in all aspects of martial arts, though they have their limits. However, sooner or later, an obstacle they can’t defeat on their own will appear. They shouldn’t worry, though, since there are people around who watch over them.’
“A half-hit, huh…?”
“Shirayuki’s an all-around brilliant genius, and I’m… A mutant genius…”
While Sakura was shocked stiff, Shirayuki wore a complicated expression. “They have their limits, huh…”
“Well then, now it’s Kuzuhara-kun’s turn. I hope with every fiber of my being his answer is worse than mine.”
“You’re a jerk… Anyway, I’m a type-Z.”
“Type-Z is over… Here—”
‘The type-Z is a doomed genius. They’re super-humans that have an intelligence of another dimension, a cunning psyche, and the physical prowess of a god. No matter what comes their way, they’ll easily twist fate in their benefit. However, because they’re too talented, they suffer from extreme loneliness. They also possess a vicious habit of self-sacrifice that’ll eventually destroy them. If they manage to find their soulmate, they’ll have their distorted soul and values changed, and they’ll live a happy life!’
“A doomed genius…” Shirayuki muttered to herself.
“… Now I’m convinced! This magazine is definitely bogus! There’s no way Kuzuhara-kun is such a genius!” Sakura put the magazine away in her bag while saying extremely rude things.
If they manage to find their soulmate… Distorted soul and values changed, huh…
Maybe I’ve already foun—No. I’m getting ahead of myself.
Psychological tests are just mindless entertainment for the masses. I don’t need to take those cheesy words seriously.
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