I don’t know why the tears were flowing.
I looked into his eyes as we passed each other and saw that he was not interested in me.
I certainly would have wanted that.
I was running in a dirty defensive manner, and for some reason I couldn’t bear the fact any longer.
Guilt, shame. A multitude of unspeakable feelings.
I did not know what was the main reason.
And the biggest emotion that torments me now is regret.
I am sure Aika must have thought it strange. After all, she must have looked as if I really started crying all of a sudden.
I wonder what she would have thought.
Would she give up on me for not telling her why, for not being able to say it correctly? Would she give up on me? Would she reject me?
I never stop imagining.
I know this feeling swirling in my heart.
It is fear.
I can’t say it myself, but I have changed a lot since junior high school.
Mainly in terms of my appearance. And of course, my personality.
I have worked hard. To be accepted by others.
I prepared myself. To never be thrown out of the loop again.
Assimilated. To never be alone again.
From that day on, I pretended to be myself over and over again.
There is no turning back now.
Even though I knew it was an excuse to myself.