Chapter 50: Misaki Himiyama part 1

[Misaki Himiyama PoV]

“I wonder what’s wrong with me.……” (Himiyama)

　I exhaled loudly and sat back in my chair. I wiped my sweaty skin lightly with a towel. Should I take a bath first? I think I may have been a little overexcited. These days, I have been fulfilled and every day is fun. I feel like I’m alive again. I never thought I’d be able to feel this way again.

　Not feeling like preparing dinner, I searched for a place to put my overwhelming emotions. Fun times are always fleeting.

　I was alone in the room, and the only sound was the ticking of the clock. Two mugs were on the table, I gently touched them. The coolness of the inorganic ceramic felt good.

　Suddenly, I came back to myself. What the hell am I doing?

　Did I think I was enjoying my time with him?　Was I mistakenly thinking that I was forgiven?

　He doesn’t remember me. Then I guess that’s okay. Create a new relationship from scratch. That might be another solution.

　But—

　Somewhere inside me, I felt a sense of regret for not telling him who I was. Would it be okay to keep on deceiving him like this? If he were to find out later, then—

　The boy he was then and the boy he is now.

　Am I still an enemy to him?

　After that, he continued to be himself even after I left the school. I was curious about him and kept in touch with Suzuka -sensei on a regular basis, but the situation was so tragic.

　He didn’t talk to anyone in the classroom until he was advanced to the next grade. Not even his homeroom teacher, Suzuka -sensei. He did not participate in any events. Field day, chorus contest, field trip. None of it.

On Sports Day, his performance was so great that he should have been chosen to run in the class relay. His classmates were aware of this. But he didn’t say a word. He never decided which event he was going to participate in. And no one could say anything to him. Suzuka -Sensei had no choice but to choose him as the relay runner, but he did not show up on the day of the sports meeting. His family, who had come to cheer him on, were just stunned to see him in action

　He ignored the whole class by himself.

　It’s like the opposite of bullying where everyone ignores one person.

　Work together with your classmates to accomplish something.

　He ignored all of that. The reason was simple. He had said so himself. To him, they were not classmates but enemies. There was no way they could work together as classmates.

　A very simple conclusion.

　It was so obvious. It was so easy to understand. In fact, it could even be called straightforward.

　There is nothing wrong with it.

　It’s as pure and clear as glass. [TL: That’s why The glass boy]

　But I can’t help wondering.

　Is it possible for a person to live like that?

　How can a child, much less a child of that age, be so extreme and divisive? No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t figure out what was going on in his mind, despite the simple conclusion I came up with.

　Time passed without me knowing, and I thought I would never see him again. It was just a coincidence that we met. Including the fact that he didn’t remember me, I really can’t help but say that it was a divine miracle.

　It is said that time will solve the problem, but will time forgive?

　–Without deceiving the one who should be the judge.

　As I approached him, I realized something.

　He doesn’t need anyone.

　No matter how much I reach out to him, no matter how close I try to get to him, he never reaches out to me. He never asks for anything. He doesn’t want anything.

　Not long ago, he was suspended from school. I couldn’t stand to hear that, so I reached out to help him. I was scared and I couldn’t forgive them. I couldn’t forgive that someone was trying to hurt him again.

　But, in retrospect, I’m confident that he would have solved the problem on his own without me having to do anything.

　He didn’t even care about such punishment. Contrary to my indignant feelings, he was unconcerned, as if it was business as usual.

　That’s when I finally understood.

　The answer to the question I had been holding on to for years.

　Yukito Kokonoe is so used to being hurt.

　It’s as if it’s his daily life.

　But he doesn’t give in. I don’t know how he got it, but he has an incredibly strong mentality.

　He polished himself.

　To confront malice, like a blade that hurts what it touches.

　A porcupine with no dilemma.

　That’s why I think.

　Even if he doesn’t need anyone, he needs a companion.

　An ally, not an enemy. Someone who won’t betray him.

　I was unable to be that.　

　The person who had forced him to be suspended from school came rushing to me to apologize. He turned very pale and had a tragic expression on his face, as if it was the end of the world. It’s strange that he’s the one concerned, isn’t it? When Yukito was the victim.

　I couldn’t help but feel irritated inside just listening to him. The more I listened to him, the more stupid he sounded. Yukito had nothing to do with it, directly or indirectly. He was just involved in a one-sided way without being related. There is no such thing as negligence.

　–It was the same as what I did back then.

　I just humiliated him who had nothing to do with it.

　But what happened afterwards was nothing like what happened to me.

　He forgave. Did he act like an adult?

　Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t.

　If he had made a direct move, the result could have been hurtful to everyone. If we managed to come to an end, then maybe what I did was not in vain. Was I able to contribute to him, even just a little bit? Was I able to reach out to him?

“It’s lonely having no one to be able to call a companion…….” (Himiyama) 

　Maybe he doesn’t think so at all.

　But I can’t do it. I had really enjoyed the time I spent with him earlier.

　Interacting with people is healing and warms my heart. Maybe it’s because I’ve lived alone for so long. Maybe it’s because I’ve been living alone for a long time, or maybe it’s because I’ve just moved to a new city and don’t know many people, so I’m on the edge. Perhaps it’s all of these reasons.

　I love children, I am not blessed with children, I was denied by them and lost my dream.

　Since I lost my hope and purpose in life, I’ve been doing nothing so far. I decided to move because I wanted a change of heart. I wanted to make a fresh start and shake off the past. I was going to take a completely different path.

　But now that I had met him again, I decided to face the past just one more time. If I hadn’t met him again, I would have never thought of becoming a tutor. I can’t be a teacher anymore, but I hope I can still be as positive as I was back then.……

“Can you forgive me?” (Himiyama) 

　I had reached the point where I could no longer continue to deceive and hide.

　Even though I was covered in scars from approaching a porcupine covered in needles, I wanted to know him better. I had to because I don’t want to repeat the mistake of that day when I hurt him without trying to know anything or listen.

　–Brrrrr.

　Suddenly, the phone on the table trembled.

　The sender of the e-mail was “Mikiya Umibara.”

　Was this the same person who had called me earlier?

　Heir to the long-established Suzuka n Umibara.

　He is a person I have a close relationship with, but also a person I have lost touch with.

　I haven’t seen him in over ten years. It had been more than ten years since we had talked on the phone, and we hadn’t interacted with each other since then.

　He is another part of my past, but what makes him definitely different from Yukito-kun is that that past is already over.

　What on earth could my ex-fiancee possibly have to say to me after all this time?

I thought you left me–

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