TL: Sponsored chapter. Thank you for supporting me. This chapter happened in the past.
[Hinagi Suzurikawa PoV]
“Hinagi. There’s no one at my house today. Come over.” (Senpai)
I feel like crap. I guess that’s what you call a bad feeling. I glanced at the person next to me. Who is this person? Why am I walking home with this person? I get chills when he calls me “Hinagi” in a familiar way. A vile and ugly smile. I can feel his gaze crawling all over my body as if he is licking me. It’s a horrible gaze, as if my body is being devoured. That’s right, this guy is a senpai, isn’t he? Oh, what did this person just say? Did he just tell me to come to his house? Why do I have to go? Without knowing my intentions, the senior continues to walk next to me with a smirk on his face.
“We’ve been going out for two weeks, right? Isn’t it about time?” (Senpai)
Despite my feelings, I am now listening to my senpai’s words with a wry smile on my face. A lazy gesture, a useless conversation. Everything was a waste of time and effort.
I wondered what was good about him. What on earth is this person to me? What’s his name again? I thought I had heard it, but it didn’t matter to me. My mind drifted back to school. I have to go back right now. I have to go back and see Yukito! And yet, I’m walking home with my senpai. What the hell am I doing?
I can’t understand myself. I can’t even control my emotions. I knew I didn’t want to go home, because I had been in a state of estrangement with my little sister for about a week now. I was confronted with the reality by my little sister, Hiori. She had condemned me for being abominable and extremely stupid. Hiori was furious.
Even now, her anger has not subsided. On the contrary, it’s getting worse day by day. And yet, I can’t even refute any of it. Yes, this is the reality. The man walking next to me is my boyfriend.
–I refuse, I refuse, I hate it, I hate it!
I have the urge to scratch my whole body. I don’t want to have a boyfriend other than Yukito, I don’t want such a man to be my boyfriend! But it’s all my own fault, and that’s why the one standing next to me right now is Senpai, not Yukito. I shouldn’t be wasting my time on this. I have words and feelings that I need to say to Yukito right now!
Since then, Yukito has been acting as if I didn’t exist. It’s like we never had a relationship. “Wouldn’t it be a nuisance if I was around?” The last words we exchanged were quite simple.
Is that okay with you, Yukito? Is that all the time we’ve spent together ended with just one sentence like that? Was the bond between childhood friends really that fragile?
I was the one who ended it. I should have been the one who did it, but I couldn’t accept the current situation, so I just had to escape reality. I am the worst. The senpai next to me confessed his feelings to me, and I accepted. Yes, I accepted it. And yet, I’m treating him like he’s a germ.
Perhaps annoyed by my absent-minded reply, my senpai spoke a little more forcefully.
“Hinagi and I haven’t done anything at all like lovers, have we?” (Senpai)
“Um……, that kind of thing is still…….” (Hinagi)
“So, when’s a good time for you?” (Senpai)
There is no way that such a day will ever come. I’m not in love with him, I detest him. I absolutely hate him. I don’t want to be touched. I refuse to hold his hand when he tries to hold mine. Come to think of it, last year, on the day of the summer festival, Yukito tried to hold my hand. It must have been because the place was crowded. I was so happy, but at the same time I was so surprised that I unintentionally brushed his hand away out of embarrassment. I had regretted it ever since. Even so, Yukito was expressionless as usual. But maybe he was actually hurt by my attitude.
I’m the worst. I was just trying to take advantage of my senpai, and I was just using my senpai’s confession as a shield. I’m just using him as a pawn against Yukito. It was too ugly of an act. The guilt and responsibility made my words muddy.
“I’m also playing the patience game, okay? You know, right?” (Senpai)
Suddenly, the senior grabbed both of my shoulders. He pushed my body against the wall with his momentum. It’s still bright, but there are no people around. What is this person trying to do? What is he going to do to me? The suddenness of the situation made me panic. So many questions come to my mind. All I know is that it’s only going to be the worst for me.
Gradually, my senior’s face gets closer. Is he trying to kiss me? Is he going to take it from me forcefully like this? Even though it’s not Yukito? By someone I don’t know this well? My precious thing…….
“No,…… wait, STOP!” (Hinagi)
Was he on the soccer team, I wondered? I don’t even remember that. I tried desperately to resist, but my sturdy body would not budge. Meanwhile, the older man’s face was closing in on me, fifty centimeters, forty centimeters, thirty centimeters, and finally just a few centimeters away, so close that I could even hear his breathing, and my lips were…
“I’m telling you, I don’t want to!” (Hinagi)
I put my student bag between myself and my senior and pushed him away. The senior didn’t fall, but he stumbled back due to the suddenness of the situation. The senior’s eyes were filled with rage.
“What the hell? What the hell is wrong with you?” (Senpai)
“It’s you! You’re the worst!” (Hinagi)
“Stop screwing around you little *sshole!” (Senpai)
I’m the *sshole. I know that. He just likes me. And I took advantage of it. As a girlfriend, I didn’t answer the senior in any way. I’m too much of a scumbag, that’s what I am. No matter how much he cursed me, abused me, and shouted at me, I couldn’t say anything.
I ran from the scene. No matter how much I ran away from the reality in front of me, no matter how many times I tried to escape reality, nothing would change. But I didn’t want it to be taken away from me. If that was taken away from me, I would never be able to stand in front of him again. Complete self-preservation. No matter how much my sister ridiculed me for being a foolish girl, no matter how much my sister cut me off, no matter how cowardly I was, I still didn’t want that to happen.
When I arrived home, I sent a text message to my senpai, saying, “Let’s break up.”
I sat down on the bed and gently clasped my trembling hands. What I did was just a convenient way to get around my senior. He only asked me to do what lovers do. I refused to do so. It was my fault for accepting his confession, and it was also my fault for being emotionally ugly. Who would fall in love with such a woman? A woman who can’t be honest and is doing something stupid like this doesn’t really deserve to be standing next to Yukito from the start.
Every day was like a nightmare. Ever since that day, I’ve been repeating the unrealistic days as if I were in a dream. But it was a real nightmare from now on. My punishment for trying to take advantage of others.
The hell was about to begin.
“Did you hear that, Yukito? Suzurikawa-san was your childhood friend, right?” (Minagawa)
“That was a long time ago.” (Yuki)
“Doesn’t that bother you?” (Minagawa)
“I mean, they’re going out, sooner or later they’re going to that you know?” (Yuki)
“You’re so dry as usual. However, Suzurikawa-san doesn’t look like the type, but she does what she has to do.” (Minagawa)
“You’re way into this kinda thing” (Yuki)
We’ve been in the same class since the first grade, and I’ve been talking back to Minagawa like I don’t care. I’m not worried about it! I tried to sound like a tsundere, but in reality, I didn’t care. I’m serious…seriously. Because from the moment I heard about it, I didn’t care about anything else.
I’m Yukito Kokonoe, a man who devotes himself to DIY and worships Home Depot as his holy ground. My love for her couldn’t be shaped like a DIY project. Once your feelings are shattered, you can’t repair them. And besides, me and Suzurikawa are no longer related. In the first place, even though we were childhood friends, in the end we were just strangers. There’s no connection between us whatsoever.
“Suzurikawa-san has experienced it. That was fast though.” (Classmate)
“Is that so? I don’t think so though.” (Sekina)
“Eh, Sakina-chan, could it be……?” (Classmate)
“Isn’t that normal for girls our age?” (Sekina)
“No, it’s not! Hey, did you really do it Sakina-chan?!” (Classmate)
“Tell me about it!” (Classmate)
“I’m so envious of Suzurikawa’s v*rg*n*ty, and senpai!” (Classmate)
“Hey, stop being so gross.” (Classmate)
“Maybe I should’ve told her, too.” (Classmate)
“If he can f**k Suzurikawa, I still have a chance—-” (Classmate)
“No way!” (Classmate)
The whole class was talking about it. Hinagi Suzurikawa is quite popular among the second-year students. The news that she had started dating a senior on the soccer team had spread quickly, but now, about two weeks later, rumors were circulating that she had had her first experience with a senior.
The rumor that he had had s*x with her had spread quickly and had attracted a lot of attention as a hot topic. It was an exciting topic for an adolescent junior high school student. No one was criticizing or slandering her. It’s not that they are uncommunicative people, it’s just that they are genuinely interested. I guess that’s all.
I raised my right hand in the air. I’ve known Suzurikawa for almost ten years now. Come to think of it, last year when we went to a summer festival, I tried to hold her hand and she refused.
As childhood friends, we’ve accumulated almost ten years of time together. But I was refused to even hold hands with her, while she allowed herself to have s*x with a senpai she had been dating for about two weeks. I guess that’s the difference between me and her senpai, the difference between her “liking” him and “hating” me.
It was so pathetic that I couldn’t help but laugh. I’m so miserable. I don’t care about Suzurikawa, but I myself am ridiculous. The time I’ve accumulated means nothing. There was no value in it at all. Everything was zero, and in fact, I was always a disappointment. My mother doesn’t like me, my sister doesn’t like me. There is no mother-son bond, no sister-brother bond, so why did I think there was such a thing as a childhood friend bond?
I should have known it all along. I shouldn’t have asked for a “favor”. It was a mistake to “like” someone. I didn’t need to “like” anyone. I don’t need it. It’s just a nuisance, a hindrance, a zero or a minus for me. There is nothing else. I don’t think anything, I don’t expect anything. I shouldn’t. Don’t look for anyone else. I’m alone and I don’t need anyone. That should be enough. That’s all that’s required of me.
I liked Suzurikawa, I was sure I liked her. I shook my head. I was tormented by a sound that I couldn’t hear. I don’t know what the hell the sound is. It was nothing more than an auditory hallucination. But I’m sure I’ve lost something again. Something inside of me was telling me that something was broken again.
I couldn’t even remember the feeling of “liking” Suzurikawa anymore.
[Hiori Suzurikawa PoV]
“What’s going on, Onee-chan!” (Hiori)
I didn’t want to think that the person in front of me was my sister. I’ve been fighting with my sister for about a week now. It was the first time we had ever had such a big fight. However, what was definitely different was the way I looked at her. Now I see my sister in front of me as nothing but a dirty, ugly, unholy being. I don’t want to think that this person is my sister!
“What do you mean, you had s*x with him?! You had Onii-chan, you’re disgusting!” (Hiori)
“You’re wrong! Hiori, I’m not like that—!” (Hinagi)
“I can’t believe it! You’re a liar!” (Hiori)
“I didn’t do anything like that! I did not have s*x—-!” (Hinagi)
“Don’t touch me with your filthy hands!” (Hiori)
I pushed away my sister’s hand as she reached for me, slowly. I can’t allow it. I can’t let you do this! I couldn’t believe what I had heard from Onii-chan, so I asked around at school. As a result, I found out that it was true that Onee-chan had started going out with a third-year senior.
It wasn’t that I doubted Onii-chan. It was just that I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to admit that the beautiful dream story I had longed for, the happy ending of two childhood friends who had been in love with each other since childhood, had been broken.
That’s why I questioned my sister last week. But what she said was incoherent and incomprehensible. She was hiding something with a vague attitude, and she kept on brooding and regretting it. I couldn’t get anywhere. I didn’t speak to my sister for a long time.
Then I heard a rumor that my sister had s*x with a third-year senpai. She had her first s*xual experience with a senpai. A rumor like that. My sister is a beautiful woman. She is known even among us first-year students. The rumor spread quickly among the underclassmen, and of course it reached my ears as well.
The source of the rumor is easy to find out. It seems that the older student who became my sister’s boyfriend was bragging about it. I wish I was the one who had to hear about my sister having s*x with someone. But I didn’t care about that. What I couldn’t forgive was that it was not Onii-chan and most of all, because it’s nothing but an act of betrayal to Onii-chan.
“…… You’re not pregnant, are you?” (Hiori)
“Pregnant!? There’s no way that’s possible!” (Hinagi)
My sister is pale and panicked. I’m already a seventh grader and I’m taking health and physical education classes. I understand what s*x and s*xual intercourse is. It is an act of pleasure seeking, and its essence is to make a child.
I’ve never had s*x, but I know that if you fail to use protection, you can have a child. I looked at my sister’s expression. I can’t tell if she’s scared of getting pregnant or if she’s really not doing it. I didn’t even know what she wanted to do with Onii-chan.
I can’t trust anything about Onee-chan now. I don’t want to think that such a filthy person who is covered in lies is my sister. For the first time in my life, I truly despised and hated Onee-chan. I’ve always loved Onee-chan. She was my only sister. There was nothing to dislike about her. But now, I felt so sick that I wanted to throw up.
“Then go buy a pregnancy test and prove it!” (Hiori)
“I have not done it, Hiori, I did not have s*x with him!” (Hinagi)
“You’re going out with your senpai, right? You’re dating a senior, so it’s not surprising that you had s*x, right? Why are you denying it so much? You had s*x, right? Why don’t you say it honestly? You rejected Onii-chan, betrayed him, gave up your virginity to your senpai, and had s*x with him, didn’t you?” (Hiori)
“You’re wrong! That’s not true—-!” (Hinagi)
“I hate you for betraying Onii-chan” (Hiori)
“I’ll tell Mom and Dad!” (Hiori)
“Please don’t do that!” (Hinagi)
My sister is crying with her face all messed up. But it doesn’t matter. I didn’t tell them last week because I didn’t know what was going on yet, but if I heard that you had s*x, I would have to tell Mom and Dad.
That’s a given. If she were to get pregnant, it would be the end of her student life and everything else. She’s still in junior high school, she can’t raise a child. If she got pregnant, she would have to have an abortion. She would also have to talk to the parents of the person who impregnated her. In any case, it was not a problem that my sister and I could handle on our own.
My mom and dad knew that my sister liked Onii-chan. He used to come to our house often. He doesn’t come around as much anymore, but Mom and Dad love him like a son. Onii-chan is like family to me. Since he was such a Onii-chan, I never doubted that he would be with Onee-chan. That’s why I’ve been trying to hide my feelings from her, but she betrayed even my feelings!
“I don’t even want to see your face anymore!” (Hiori)
“I’m sorry, Hiori, I didn’t mean for this to happen! This is my punishment! So please–” (Hinagi)
Then, she confessed everything in front of the family. As she broke down in tears at the stupidity of what she had done, she revealed the feelings she had been holding in, tormented by guilt. Once the words overflowed, they continued without stopping. It was too selfish, too self-serving, and hurtful to others.
Onee-chan is crying, but it’s all her own fault. There is no excuse for the rumors that were spread about her, whether she really had s*x with him or not. The other senior might be a scumbag. But Onee-chan is also undoubtedly a scumbag. The senior and the sister are dating. It’s not surprising if they were to have s*x. This is a situation that she brought on herself.
As I looked at her with a cold gaze, my thoughts turned to Onii-chan. The rumor has spread so much. Even Onii-chan must know about it. I wondered what he was thinking, and how much he was hurt. Is he in shock, or has he already given up on Onee-chan?
Big brother is very popular. There must be many more wonderful women than this cowardly and ugly sister. A woman who will not hurt him, who will make him happy, and who will only look out for him.
“Onii-chan, can’t it be me ……? (Hiori)
I wish it was me. My first love was not fruitful. But I’m glad. If one day Onii-chan would become my real Onii-chan, that would make me happy. But the feelings that I had covered up started to spill out.
If it were me, I would never make Onii-chan sad.