I was mesmerized by the same scene as before. The sky and the ground, so high and so low, seemed to absorb me. It was the same as before, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was driven by a sudden urge. Quite some time has passed since then. What would have happened if I had given myself over to that temptation at that time?
At that time, I was sure that I was wishing for death. At least I was aware of it without understanding it. But somehow, I no longer wished for death. It continued to protect me like the shield of Aigis. I, Yukito Kokonoe’s mental health was unharmed. That’s why I don’t wish for death. It was pretty simple logic. But why haven’t I realized that? It’s not possible.
“Yukito! Yukito, are you okay!?” (Mother)
My mom seems to be calling me. Yes, I’m sure she had this expression on her face that day too. A vague memory blurs my mind. What the hell is wrong with me? Does she think that I’m about to jump from here? Maybe so. I’m sure that’s what I would have done back then. In fact, I have a criminal record. It’s natural to be worried, why I’m here today. To move everything forward. To make up for the days that were broken.
“It’s the first time we’ve gone out together like this. Fufu. I’m so happy.” (Mother)
Mom had a big smile on her face. Even though she was only going out with her child, she looked strangely enthusiastic. Her makeup was perfect. She looked very pretty.
My mom and I were at a place called The Sky Tree (an observatory). My sister was not here and my mom had the day off from work today, so I decided to ask her to come with me. She said “yes” instantly, but it was a tough day for me because she cried.
“I’m sorry. I’m actually ……” (Yuki)
I’m still feeling a bit nervous. I’ve never asked my mom to do anything for me before. I thought she wouldn’t have listened to me no matter what I said, and I kept thinking that she hated me. But my sister, who rejected me saying she hated me at that time, had told me she loved me a while ago. I don’t know which of the two phrases is real. But that’s why I have to talk to her and my mom.
It was time to get out of the observatory and go back outside. I wanted to talk with my mom alone for a while longer or rather, that was my original goal. On the way home at dusk, we had a quiet conversation.
“I’m sorry for asking you out on such short notice today.” (Yuki)
“It’s okay, I was happy. We’ve never done this before.” (Mother)
“Did I Bother you?” (Yuki)
“No, of course not.” (Mother)
She lowered her gaze with sadness. When I think about it, my mom always had this expression on her face. I was the one who made her look like this. I’ve made her sad like this.
“I thought you hated me.” (Yuki)
“That’s not true. Why….how could I hate you?” (Mother)
“But at that time mom had abandoned me.” (Yuki)
“—! No, you’re wrong. Yukito, you were told something, weren’t you!? You were then–! (Mother)
“So I felt like you didn’t need me. Because you didn’t tell me I was needed.” (Yuki)
“…… I’m sorry! I know it was hard for you ……!” (Mother)
“I thought my sister hated me too, but just the other day she told me she liked me. That’s why I wanted to ask mom about it.” (Yuki)
“—–Do I have to disappear?” (Yuki)
Tears were falling from my mother’s big eyes. Her beautiful face was ruined. She couldn’t even be bothered about her makeup. Mom has been crying a lot lately. I’m the reason for all of this, but I couldn’t just end the conversation here for today.
It was necessary for me to correct the personality of Yukito Kokonoe to the way it should be. In order to get back the real me, not the broken me.
She hugged me. I could feel her body trembling, and I could tell that she was hard and tense.
“I wanted to talk to you more, mom. There were so many things I wanted to share with you.” (Yuki)
“But mom was busy, so I stopped saying anything and my attention went to my sister.” (Yuki)
“It’s not that Yuri didn’t like you.” (Mother)
“I was rejected by both mom and Nee-san, and there was no place for me anymore. So I tried to disappear. If that’s what mother and Nee-san wanted, then so be it. But if you said you loved me or needed me, why didn’t you talk to me then? Why didn’t you stop me? (Yuki)
“But I still wanted to live with you at that time.” (Yuki)
It was on that day that I became the Yukito Kokonoe that I am today.
My mood was in high spirits. For the first time, my son had asked me to go somewhere with him. The fact that it was the first time shows how sinful I am. When he was a child, I was too busy with work that I couldn’t spoil him. I cherish him. He is my treasure. But no matter how many times I say such things, if I don’t take action they won’t be conveyed.
I loved him so much, but he had become a distant person, and all I could do was watch him from afar. And I couldn’t even notice the change in Yuri. This led to the incident that occurred. I never thought that my son would choose to die. It was a tremendous fear. I still have nightmares about it. I had failed as a mother by letting my son choose to kill himself because of me.
But my son wanted to go out with me today. I was so happy when he asked me that. I had never done anything like that in my life. I really wanted to do that all the time. I wanted to take care of him and spoil him, but there is only so much time and opportunity for parents to do that. Children grow up so fast. It’s too late to realize that the time you can give them is very limited. My words may not reach him anymore. That’s what I was thinking.
That’s why I was so happy that he asked me to go out. I was still seen as a parent. I was needed in his life still. Recently, there has been a change in Yukito. A very important and significant change. Yuri, for example, is very close to him every day and often sleeps with him. I can say the same thing for me. Yesterday, we slept together again. I felt that if I didn’t, my son, who is trying to change, would go back to the way he was before.
His mood was different from usual. He had a serious expression on his face. It didn’t change the fact that he always kept a poker face. However, my son was usually the one who would always say something out of the blue. But today, he didn’t show even the slightest hint of that.
“But I still wanted to live with you at that time.” (Yuki)
His words pierced my heart. At the time, I was tormented by guilt, but I couldn’t argue with him. I couldn’t protect him at all. That’s why Yukito left me. I guess I lost my confidence as a mother. It was only natural. The reason why I let Yuri do such a thing, the reason why Yukito didn’t want to go home, and finally the reason why he got hurt so badly were all my fault.
Yukito said I had abandoned him. No, I never abandoned him. I was shocked that he thought that way. I wondered how much I had hurt my son. Why did I always find out only when it was too late! If only I had talked to him more, if only I had taken him more seriously. I’m always repeating these regrets.
My son is facing me now. If I make a mistake here, he won’t come back this time. I’m sure he will go to a place that is truly out of my reach. The appearance at the observatory seemed to prove it. It wore such a fragile atmosphere, as if it were sinking into a dark ocean and drowning everything.
Even so, now–!
“It’s okay. I’ve realized. I’m here today to change.” (Yuki)
“Yukito, are you smiling ……?” (Mother)
“Smiling?…Me? Am I smiling, Mom? (Yuki)
He looks puzzled and curious. He is touching his face with his hand. Are you smiling? This child? Foolishly, our relationship had become so crazy and distant that I couldn’t even remember when I had seen my son smile before. He used to smile when he was trying his best to talk to me, and his smile was so cute, but then the smile disappeared, and I was the one who took it away from him. I am not a good mother at all. I am the one who should not be called a mother. I thought that he would never look at me like that again.
“I have something very important to tell you.” (Yuki)
“I’m not who I am now.” (Yuki)