Chapter 20: The Phase of Women’s Distress
[Hinagi Suzurikawa POV]
“Yukito, I didn’t love nor have sexual interactions with senpai.” (Hinagi)
I exposed myself completely. There’s nothing to hide. I am done lying to myself. I just wanted to tell him everything. I had to tell him, and I was driven by that urge alone.
“Don’t look away. Look at me straight in the eyes.” (Hinagi)
“Why are you doing this?” (Yuki)
“Because I don’t want to be misunderstood again.” (Hinagi)
“I’ve always liked you, Yukito.” (Hinagi)
I don’t know why I couldn’t say such a simple thing, and that got us into this mess.
I was impatient and irritated back then. I thought I was trying to approach him, but his response was always indifferent, and since I’ve never seen him smile once, I thought that maybe he didn’t like me. Is it boring to be with me? That thought made me uneasy.
I was such a coward. I didn’t tell him my feelings, but only thought about knowing how he felt. It was right around that time that a senpai confessed his feelings to me. I decided to take advantage of it. When I told him that my senpai had confessed his feelings to me, he replied as usual, as if it was nothing.
“Oh, I see.” (Yuki)
That’s how he responded.
Why? Is it okay for me to go out with a senpai? Don’t you think anything of it? Are you okay with me being stolen from you, Yukito? I was a mess of shock and sadness, and I clung to my last hope. If I were to go out with that senpai, he might be jealous of me. I foolishly took a wrong turn, thinking that there was still a chance.
If I had been as honest then as I am now, I’m sure none of this would have happened. I should have faced him honestly and told him how I felt. What I did was the worst thing I could have done. I didn’t tell him anything, I just used that senpai for my own sake. I had no feelings for him. I don’t even know what kind of person he is. It was just convenient for me to know how Yukito felt.
That mistake quickly turned into regret. When I told him that I was dating a senior, he told me that he had been thinking about confessing his feelings to me. I froze. Why… Why didn’t he tell me that just a little bit earlier? I wanted to throw everything away and answer his confession. But now I can’t answer it unless I settle my relationship with my senpai. I felt as if Yukito’s eyes had become even darker, as if they were deep and stagnant.
It had been two weeks since I started going out with my senior. Our relationship wasn’t even close to a love-filled one. Of course not. Those were not my feelings. I had no interest in him at all, and he was not important. Now that I knew how Yukito felt, it was just too much trouble. If I had learned a little more about that man, I probably would never have thought of going out with senpai. Maybe he got annoyed with my lack of acting in the relationship, and forced me to kiss him.
It was disgusting. It was unbelievable! Why am I with that person! Yukito is the only one for me! That horrendous feeling gave me goosebumps: the refusal of being defiled. I then found myself pushing him away with all my strength and ran out of the room. Once I got home, I sent a message to that senpai and told him our relationship was over.
It was after all of those things that rumors started to circulate. Rumors of me having sex with that senpai.
He was so angry that he told everyone that he had had sex with me. Those rumors spread quickly. For an innocent junior high school student in the cusp of puberty, it’s nothing more than a form of entertainment. I tried my best to deny it, but my denial was only shrugged off by the people around me. There was no way I could be so dumb as to go around talking to strangers and telling them I didn’t have sex with that senpai, since most of them didn’t care about whether the rumor was true or not..
Most people don’t care about the truth or falsity of a rumor. As they say, a rumor is only a rumor for 75 days, but after 75 days, it becomes a fact. I cursed that senpai. Why did he tell them such a terrible lie? But the worst part was that I was the same. I was a horrible girl who had accepted a confession from someone I didn’t even like and was trying to take advantage of it. I’m the worst and he’s the worst. I guess you could say we were a perfect match.
Such rumors reached my sister’s ears, and then my parents’. My sister was very fond of Yukito, so maybe that’s why I’ve never seen her look at me with such eyes before. They were filled with contempt, as if she looked at something dirty, as if I was something filthy. My parents called me out on it, and I desperately denied the fact that I had sex with him. However, my sister and my parents were furious with me and the things I’ve done. Then I asked them:
“… Does Yukito know about this?” (Suzurikawa)
He is the love of my life. I don’t want him to know about the rumor. I want him to believe that this is a lie. It’s such a convenient fantasy. However, the rumor had spread way too far. It’s impossible not to know it. He must have heard the rumor. And even if it was only in name, even if I was using it for my own convenience, senpai and I were supposed to be dating. It’s not surprising that we were doing that. That likeliness made the rumor stronger.
I had to hurry and clear up the misunderstanding! Despite my impatience, the fear that Yukito might look at me the same way my sister did made my legs quiver and I couldn’t move. I can’t stand it when he looks at me like that. As If he looks at me like I’m an unholy filth, so I’ll–
I’ll chase after his back, I decided then. But he threw himself into his club activities, not caring about anything. This fact torments me even more. Why! Don’t you care about me!? Have you forgotten about me already? My heartbroken cries were never heard, and by that time, my emotions were shattered…
The rumor became an undisputed fact, and our relationship instantly disappeared. He became distant and isolated once again.
It was all my fault… I was the one who tried to use that senpai. It’s all my fault…
Yukito listened to my regrets in silence. If I had opened myself up to him back then, I’m sure none of this would have happened. He was always listening to me. It was my fault for not being honest.
“Yukito… I’m sorry.” (Hinagi)
The story of Suzurikawa was astonishing, but it made sense if you listened to it. At that time, when that incident happened, I thought that it was the way it was, but there were plenty of occasions when I could notice that she acted strangely. Suzurikawa said that she didn’t want me to know. Even if she hadn’t approached me, I’m sure it would have been resolved at that point if I had approached her myself back then. But at that time, I was no longer looking at Suzurikawa properly.
But now that I’ve listened to her side of the story, I think.
“Why… did you… do this…?” (Yuki)
“Because I was a coward and couldn’t be honest with you……” (Hinagi)
“Why are you telling me this now?” (Yuki)
“Because if I didn’t, it would be too late.” (Hinagi)
I don’t understand! Why only now!?
“I’m sure I could’ve accepted your feelings back then. But now, I’m…” (Yuki)
My head throbbed. A pain worse than ever. No, don’t break. Don’t try to break. I repeat the struggle. If I break like I always do, I won’t think anything of it. All of this pain will disappear. Come on, let me break. Like always, the little demon on my shoulder asks me to give him half of myself, and I reply without hesitation. I’m myself. I’m Yukito Kokonoe… If I break, I won’t care about the pain anymore. I am me, I am myself, I am…
Was that the real Yukito Kokonoe? When did I become like that? I want to break. Let me break! I can feel the chasm in my heart trying to expand. I’ve always been broken. But if the feelings that have been hurting me are in fact misunderstandings, then all those horrible things I’ve… been through, are all illusions. They’re all lies.
Don’t think about it. Let it all go. Just break. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism. I don’t understand what others think about me, and I didn’t want to. I have been repeatedly wrong about the feelings of others. But was that really the case? Was Kamishiro trying to deceive me with this confession? Is my sister really a b***h? Did my mom really reject me all this time…?
“Yukito, are you okay? Your face is blue, and you feel cold!” (Hinagi)
She’s worried about me, not hiding her body, exposing it all. What is she doing this for, and why is she doing it? Is it so easy for her to expose her naked body? Why is she trying to tell me this now? Is it because she wants to make me suffer more? If so, why does she look so worried about me? It hurts!
I’m about to break, but something stops me from doing that. Something tells me not to, and holds me back from letting another part of me break. I don’t want to break, I don’t want to be wrong again. If I go any further, it will be too late. No, it’s probably already too late. Still, I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I don’t want to be hurt anymore! Conflicting impulses swirl around me. Why do I have to suffer so much because of a ridiculous curse like the complexity of a woman’s heart?
I don’t understand. Don’t you want to? I don’t know. I just don’t get it… Everything is so hollow, and this hollowness wants to engulf me. I wish I could just disappear and be at peace, but I feel like I’m being controlled by such a seductive desire. It was so sweet and alluring. Yes, if I could just get rid of it all…
Softly, my lips were sealed. It was the second time I felt it.
“It’s all right! I’ll never hurt you again!” (Hinagi)
It tasted a little different from when Yuri kissed me. It all happened just so recently…
Tears rolled down Suzurikawa’s cheeks. Why is she crying? Why is she sad? Is she feeling some kind of physical pain? Or is there just something in her eye?
Haha, I see. Well, you’re naked, so you must be cold, right?
That’s not right. It’s not like that.… No, it’s not like that. Why are you trying to misunderstand it? Don’t make a deliberate mistake. She’s… because of me now. When did this happen? Since when have you started to think like that? Who is at fault? Why? I am Yukito Kokonoe, and Yukito Kokonoe is me…….
“Suzurikawa… No, Hinagi…?” (Yuki)
“You called me by my first name, didn’t you? Hehe. My first kiss. I’m glad I finally got it right.” (Hinagi)
Can I erase this image? But I really want to see her smile. She’s crying. I’ll erase it from my mind, and then I’ll act as the usual Yukito Kokonoe, and then–
My headache becomes more intense. I want to erase it all, I want to get rid of it.
She embraces me, and our skin touches directly.
I don’t know if there was a reason, but it was enough. If there was a malicious intent to break me. If there was a situation that tried to break me, I’d lose, and I was okay with that. I didn’t care about anything anymore. But there must have been things I shouldn’t have lost. There must have been things that I needed to understand correctly. Even if I don’t know what it is what anymore, even if it’s too late, I’m sure there’s something I can save.
“…Hinagi, were you always like this?” (Yuki)
“I’m your childhood friend. I am done lying to you. I don’t want to lose you, and I don’t want to end up hurting you even more.” (Hinagi)
The childhood friend is a defeated heroine. That’s what they call it.
“Because I love you so, so much–!” (Hinagi)
I did not want to think that her smile and words were a lie.
TL: This is the end of volume 2. Next week (I think) will be the start of his redemption arc. I want to thank everybody for reading this novel. I have read all your comments and I love all the positive feedback, so I think this journey was well worth it.
Volume 1 title: It’s too late for him.
Volume 2 title: The Age of Great Regret
Volume 3 title: Somebody with extreme bad luck with women
Koji- Hello editor here, so this was quite something but I mean she did kind of deserve what happened for trying to see if Yuki would get jealous AND taking advantage of the Senpai who had feelings for her but it seems that Yuki is quite something to deal with he keeps trying to throw his emotions away or erase them I think it would be pretty cool if he develops a multiple personality disorder type thing but I can only imagine but as usual if there are any errors or mistakes please comment them and I hope you enjoyed chapter 20 of the series 🙂
Yan – Hello, second editor here. I honestly feel like Suzurikawa has done crap in the past, but it’s not like she had sex with her senior. When he forced a kiss (and only a kiss), she ran and finished her relationship basically immediately. She was only way too hasty with what she wanted to do, and used ALL the wrong methods to get to Yuki. Well, I think she’s beginning to do it right. Oh well, that’s my opinion. Thank you so much for reading!
57 comments »
DisMay 9, 2021 at 12:25 am
Broooo I think he needs to go find a therapist real fast
LeviosssaaaMay 9, 2021 at 3:01 am
Yukika (Mom’s sister) is a therapist, I think.
wtfchrlzAugust 3, 2021 at 8:13 am
So does every female character in this story.
StonksCoffeeMay 9, 2021 at 12:29 am
Major kudos to the MC for resisting the urge to break. Exceeded my expectations. This 1 volume already has more character development than a lot of other romances.
-BobMay 9, 2021 at 12:34 am
Thanks for the new chapter.
Good work on the translation & editing. This reads much, much better than the MTs.
So, girl #1 isn’t a s**t, she was just a stupid 13 or 14 year old. Well, it’s the age where some girls will do these sorts of stupid things. Of course, some of them keep doing stupid things into their twenties! (No, I’m not a misogynist, I’m a younger brother of two older sisters; I love them very much, but it was painful to watch things explode when they were younger.)
I still think there are better options for Yuki though. I’m still a fan of the girl who got assaulted on the train. Her excuse for thoughtless behavior was because she had just been sexually molested on a train. And once again, she now thinks Yuki’s her prince and she wants to buy him dinner! Compared to the others, she’s the sane one who’s close to (or maybe the same?) age as Yuki.
cardone4allMay 9, 2021 at 12:47 am
I think the beautiful Senpai is a better choice since she seems more normal
-BobMay 9, 2021 at 9:47 am
You’re right, I like the Stairway Goddess as well. However, I’ve been struggling through the MTs and well, … let’s just say there’s another trope coming up; but you’re right. She’s never done anything negative to Yuki, and the two get along very well. Wouldn’t this story take an unexpected turn if she turns out to be Yuki’s choice!
ynluccaMay 9, 2021 at 1:58 am
Thanks! This novel has a lot of jokes that only land in Japanese so editing took a bit more time. Also, I think that Suzurikawa has a lot of room to improve, but even then, I think that staircase Senpai is better.
ZUKIMay 20, 2021 at 5:59 pm
Yuki would died by tragedy??
gohanishMay 27, 2023 at 8:03 pm
What exactly happened with your sisters? If you are comfortable with sharing.
FRASH 18May 9, 2021 at 12:56 am
Best girls imo are anemic train girl who saved him, staircase senpai, m**f next door and aunty.
SkuraiMay 9, 2021 at 1:16 am
M**f next door actually knew him from before… that is all I will say
LibertarianCiceroMay 9, 2021 at 1:58 am
Have to disagree on the aunt, after she whispered in his ear to ask if there is anything he wants, like a child.
Off-White MageMay 9, 2021 at 5:16 am
Sounds like a perfectly healthy thing for your hot aunt to whisper into your ear to me.
inlu46May 9, 2021 at 1:09 am
Thanks for the chapter!
kenchan223May 9, 2021 at 1:34 am
This arc was beautiful! Cant wait for the next arc
Dark KermitMay 9, 2021 at 1:50 am
Thanks for the chapter.
LibertarianCiceroMay 9, 2021 at 1:56 am
I wouldn’t trust Tonagi if I was in his position, after she had been duplicitous to him and her senpai. I’m not saying that she isn’t sincere, but from his perspective, she comes off as someone not to trust because of her lies and such. That is how his mindset works after all.
Problematic FrogMay 9, 2021 at 3:01 am
That might be why he’s struggling with it so much. He wants to believe his friend that seems to be sincerely baring everything to him, but is having trouble trusting her at the same time.
JolcenMay 9, 2021 at 2:37 am
So editor 2 mentioned that she was kissed by the senpai but I don’t think it happened. It looked like he forced her to kiss him but she rejects. That’s why later on she says that was her first kiss.
SoafpMay 9, 2021 at 2:38 am
LoMalMay 9, 2021 at 3:15 am
I just hope any girl ends with him besides childhood friend (even his sister is better). If she’s just using her senpai just to cause jealousy why did she accept his confession ? (Also wtf why do you need to be naked?)
This is just me coping because she’s the main heroine and I hate it.
-BobMay 9, 2021 at 10:10 am
I’m in your camp. Girl #1 (Tonagi) and Girl #2 (Shiori) are the two most immature females of the lot. For all their words, their actions are incredibly self-centered. However, we have to remember that they are the most immature because they are two of the youngest females around Yuki. So far, the only one younger would be Tonagi’s little sister. Wait. She’s into Yuki as well. This could be a surprise twist that the author is going for! Tonagi would just have to suck it up if Taori started dating Yuki. Even Tonagi’s and Taori’s parents already like Yuki. Maybe this is what the author has in mind for the next volume! (Yeah, this isn’t going to happen. I guess I just agree with LoMal — anyone but #1 and #2!)
It would be nice if there was a real redemption arc for Tonagi instead of her just admitting she was a little manipulative b***h; but then, this would be her story we’re reading, not Yuki’s.
some mobMay 9, 2021 at 3:48 am
……………..And thus Yuki Kokonoe opened his eyes…………..no, rather, Yuki Kokonoe opened his mind……..no, actually…..Yuki Kokonoe opened his heart…..much better.
Truths were revealed, Yuki finally realised his childhoodfriend real feelings as well the fact why he wasn’t capable of understanding any of the actions the women who hurt him so far, well, the mayority of the things which hurt him are misunderstandings(childhoodfriend, Kamishiro, mother) and spontaneous emotional outbursts(sister)…..well, in the case of Kamishiro and Tonagi it was initiated by their woman heart(even women themselves don’t understand the heart of another women or their own very well) which then develop in a terrible misunderstanding……..the stupid prez and her friend were just putting the final nails in the coffin(Yukito’s heart).
Yukito has been running away from the feelings of others, but of course he will after everything that has happened to him, and not facing the other side correctly(though all of them are at fault), and the more he gets hurt the more he keeps stop trying to get face those for real, basically he didn’t wanted to hear nor believe in anything they say anymore. Although that was in fact making everything worse, sadly in order to solve his problems for real he needed to hear the reasons behind their actions seriously.
Now he has realized that there were misunderstandings behind his pain and suffering and him refusing to listen was just making things worse for him. Well, that he finally understand that he wasn’t hurt on purpose(the sister had an emotional outburst which had very painful consequences) he can begin to recover what he lost, now even if he understands that he wasn’t being hurt on purpose if he can forgive them, that’s a different matter.
Ugh, this volume was intense!!!!!!!(the incest part from the sister side mainly)
Well, now that he has realized that things were not how he thought they happened(the motives)……..well, although there were misunderstandings at the core of the things that hurt him the fact the girls create those misunderstandings albeist not on purpose doesn’t change, so if he will get angry or despise them for that…….is in the hands of the author….The girls need to show him how serious they are of their affection for him……which means repeated shurabas between the girls……..ugh, how loathesome and bothersome.
-Three way fight between childhoodfriend, Kamishiro-chan and Yuri(i’m not counting the other girls since they aren’t that serious yet and the prez is just an idiot)
-Three way fight between mother, aunt and mature lonely neighboor(what the hell, this actually sounds very R-18 even though there is no way for that to happen…..right?)……………..(the aunt aside his mother won’t do the incest approach……….i think?)
But, Yuki seems to have very bad luck with women so the shurabas will increase in the future……..damn it how awful for him……
yggdrasilMay 9, 2021 at 7:22 am
It was good to see yuki be himself a bit and not his chuuni self , i wud really start hving mixed feelings if they actually become an item, but its not like any other girl cud just come in….
Anyways, thanks for the chap :)
VinMay 9, 2021 at 8:31 am
I really expected him to decide she was a b***h too and just kinda leave.
VinMay 9, 2021 at 8:36 am
“I’m sure I could’ve accepted your feelings back then. But now, I’m…” (Tonagi)
This line has to be Yuki, no?
MarcoMay 9, 2021 at 2:51 pm
Thank you for the chapter!
I just spotted some parts that maybe you can recheck them.
> “I’m sure I could’ve accepted your feelings back then. But now, I’m…” (Tonagi)
This one should be said by Yukito as the I in there are using 俺 (Ore) instead of 私 (Watashi) that is usually used by Suzurikawa.
> My childhood friend is a defeated heroine. That’s what they say about her.
This part should be talking about somewhere near childhood friend is fated to be a loser one, or that is what people said. As the raw doesn’t state anything specific about who, I think Yukito is talking about childhood friends in general.
SoafpMay 9, 2021 at 3:03 pm
you’re right on both. I think i fixed it now
EnkirosMay 9, 2021 at 4:28 pm
Mob (c)May 11, 2021 at 12:45 am
That first line made me laugh so freaking hard. Reminded me of Bill Clinton’s Lewinski denial speech.
Should almost call her Bill ClinTonagi
YrrelMay 11, 2021 at 11:11 pm
Thanks for the chapter
Heimlich ManureMay 12, 2021 at 11:20 am
Reading this volume while playing “Love Of My Life” is the best
S.S. ShipwreckerMay 12, 2021 at 8:27 pm
Thanks for the chapter, wait, he’s turning blue and going cold from having this info just dumped on him, maybe he should contact a doctor you look at his head?
zcmvoMay 12, 2021 at 8:46 pm
vol 3 will the the start of the redemption arc huh, seems a bit early to me. i would’ve liked to see him broken for a little longer, the conversations are actually quite interesting
SoafpMay 12, 2021 at 8:49 pm
He is still broken but something happens
Rascal D DegenerateMay 14, 2021 at 5:09 pm
Thanks for the chapter. d=(´▽｀)=b
Chapter 19: Childhood friends – Soafp TranslationMay 16, 2021 at 6:22 pm
[…] Chapter 20 […]
ChrizzyRan DesuJune 2, 2021 at 1:04 pm
Im thinking this novel will not past a 100 chapters …maybe .. since its already starting to conclude the misunderstandings … maybe … anyways great development… but we dont know yet if Yuki will accept it or try to deny it even further and break even more …. poor guy
judi mpoJune 9, 2021 at 6:51 pm
Hey there just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know a few
of the images aren’t loading correctly. I’m not sure why
but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different internet browsers and both show the same results.
bluefrost17June 16, 2021 at 12:29 pm
Good this he has prevented himself to break once again~
My bro really needs to get cured.
cyclone499July 7, 2021 at 11:16 am
I don’t know why but I really don’t like the childhood friend….and kind of don’t want him to end up with her….or any of the girl in his life…he’s better off with someone like Rem in Re:zero
TianJuly 15, 2021 at 11:48 pm
wow. this girl’s so stupid. like WTF? she tried to use a total stranger to make the guy she really liked jealous. then, instead of trying to fix things ASAP, she actually dates the stranger for 2 WHOLE weeks & only ends things when he tries to kiss her. why didn’t she break up w/ the guy sooner? why didn’t she go to MC’s house & try to explain things? why didn’t she call him on his phone the very next day? they’re childhood friends but she has no way of contacting him? instead she sits on this lie for YEARS; her idea of apologizing is getting naked and forcing herself onto the MC? if i were him I’d leave & never look back
ExfernalJuly 30, 2021 at 10:33 am
He should have to tell her straight that he is too afraid of being hurt by her again to want anything going with her anymore. As the saying goes: fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
ExfernalJuly 30, 2021 at 10:37 am
* ‘to tell’ –>’told’
Strawberry MilkshakeAugust 31, 2021 at 5:40 am
Yea now time to save him, i don’t care whoever it is at this moment, just please save this poor lad.
Tweight28October 31, 2021 at 12:44 am
It’s their own fault really, the way they show their affection back then was wrong. Really. Btw i shim his next door Hiyama.(○ﾟεﾟ○)
GarenNovember 8, 2021 at 5:10 pm
I’m glad that he resisted the urge to take the easy way out and break his mind again. He put out a genuine attempt to understand childhood friend’s perspective on everything and he understood the misunderstanding.
He is far from healing though. His brain is like an AI that’s been ordered to find a solution to a mathematical problem but also given a command to never put out the solution. So it just runs desperately trying to find the solution in multiple ways again and again before resetting itself over and over.
StupidCharDecember 12, 2021 at 7:03 am
Did he forget the way she was talking to him when she said she was dating a senpai she was calling him down and saying the senpai was better
NoNameJanuary 11, 2022 at 7:13 pm
Welp, seems the fun would be gone then?
Ok so what would happen to his mom and aunt later…
Chapter 19: Childhood friends – Soafp TranslationMarch 21, 2022 at 1:03 pm
[…] Chapter 20 […]
AkireiNovember 21, 2022 at 12:40 pm
Maybe, there is really salvation for him.
HealerDecember 7, 2022 at 8:54 am
I hope he’s okay i really respect him for not try the easy way
NewbieDecember 13, 2022 at 11:51 am
I hate Hinagi. There’s no sugarcoating it, I absolutely despises her because of 3 particular reason.
1. She used a guy for her convenience. Just to find out what Yuki felt. I would be mad too, maybe not to the extent of spreading false rumors but I would be pissed
2. I can’t help but feel that she was taking advantage of Yuki’s confusion.
3. She’s not Aphrodite.
SoulsManipulated Inc.December 15, 2022 at 11:46 am
Ah heck yeah! The glue is finally starting to work. Good luck Hinagi! If you succeed in fixing the guy, I will be very greatful!
JeezzzDecember 28, 2022 at 12:18 am
I want him to end up with Kyoka Soma
gohanishMay 27, 2023 at 8:05 pm
I’m really interested in how the author is going to end this?