TL: Today sponsored chapter I want to thank them for donating, tomorrow a normal chapter since it’s not done editing. Enjoy this chapter.
“I hate you so much! You should just disappear!”
Our hands separated from each other. His body was falling. His eyes were screaming, “Why?” as he was looking at me. The anger that I had quickly turned into despair, and before long–
“Is Yukito Kokonoe here?” (???)
How many times have I seen this already? At this point this patern has already become a familiar one. Lately my popularity have been rising quickly. As the man who conquered the unattainable student council president, I’ve even been asked for romantic advice. I’ve never been popular, so asking me for love advice is absurd, it gives me a headache. In the first place there was no way I could understand the feelings of others. I can’t even understand my own feelings, so how can I possibly understand others.
As usual, in class 1-B, there were senpais visiting me……. Who is this guy? I’m the guy who’s getting to know more and more people without realizing it, and yep that’s me, Yukito Kokonoe.
“Yes, that me. What’s the reason for you to come here?” (Yuki)
“Oh. I’m the third-year student, Toshiro Himura. I’m the captain of the basketball team.” (Himura)
I have a bad feeling about this…
“Now you’ve mention it, Kokonoe went to the cafeteria a while ago.” (Yuki)
“Don’t pretend to be a different person suddenly. You’ve just told me your name.” (Himura)
“But it looks troublesome.” (Yuki)
As expected of basketball club member, Himura-senpai is quite tall. However, the basketball team at this school is not a strong one, so why does it matter? As long as there is a high school that attracts the best players from other regions, there will always be a difference. The same can be said for all sports events. There was an absolute difference between casual and competitive club activities.
“I heard about you from Hyakushin-senpai. He was wondering why you weren’t in the basketball team.” (Himura)
“Do you know each other?” (Yuki)
“He’s an old student of this school. You didn’t know?” (Himura)
“I don’t pry too much into people’s business, so I didn’t know.” (Yuki)
“That’s how I came to know about you. So, thats why I’m asking you to join the basketball team” (Himura)
“If I would have wanted to join the basketball team, I would have joined the club from the start.” (Yuki)
I see, so Hyakushin-senpai was an old student of this school? If you think about it, a coincidence of that magnitude can happen any number of ways. He may have been concerned about me in his own way or maybe he was simply curious. I thought since I’m a loner it would be enough explanation for his curiosity. To be honest, it was annoying, but I guess I should be grateful for it.
“There are people in the basketball team who went to the same middle school as me, right? You should guess why they’re not saying anything about me.” (Yuki)
“That’s what I thought, so I asked them, but none of them were in the same middle school as you.” (Himura)
“Oh, really?” (Yuki)
“Well, our basketball team isn’t very active.” (Himura)
“In that case, it’s not like you really have to invite me.” (Yuki)
Everything is too late. My devotion to club activities was just an escape from reality. I didn’t have any firm beliefs in it. That’s why I lost my mind so easily. I couldn’t even fulfill my only goal, and I was left half-hearted. That’s why I didn’t think or feel anything when I quit. I don’t even want to start again.
“Kokonoe, this is the last year for us. It’s true that we are not strong. We don’t have the strength to win the championship. But we’ve been doing this for three years. We want to give it our all in the tournament. I need your help!” (Himura)
“Isn’t that weird? There’s no way a freshman could get into a game that easily—” (Yuki)
“Just so you know, there are only nine of us on the basketball team.” (Himura)
“What? The popularity of basketball in the 90’s is over?” (Yuki)
“It’s the year 2020. It was briefly popular a few years ago, but both were thanks to Jump.“1 (Himura)
“Such a weak motivation” (Yuki)
“That’s why. Don’t you want to suprise anyone?” (Himura)
“Who? I don’t have anyone to surprise.” (Yuki)
“Kokonoe, there’s a girl in my class I like. I’m thinking of confessing my love to her after the tournament. So I want to look good for her!” (Himura)
“So, it’s all about you! Why do the upperclassmen in this school always start blabbing about things nobody want to hear to the underclassmen? Is that an endemic disease?” (Yuki)
Himura-senpai was a passionate man who was easy to understand nowadays and he is an idiot. Always do things without thinking, he goes straight for it. To me, he is nothing but a nuisance. You can do whatever you want. And look, the eyes of my classmates are on me again. Don’t grin at me! What’s with you guys! Besides, if you think about the character of your senpai, I think I can somehow read what will happen next. Want to hear it?
“Then Kokonoe, play basketball with me after school!” (Himura)
Eh? What? Himura-senpai was a resident of the manga world. What’s with the “then”? There’s no connection between the two! I don’t understand the point of competing. For some reason, my classmates were getting excited. Some of them were diligently working on their phones. What the hell are they all doing?
“All right. Let’s do it, Yukito!” (Miho)
“What? Hey, wait a minute! What’s with the sudden interruption?” (Yuki)
“Yuki, let’s do it!” (???)
Kouki, you’re handsome again today. The fresh smile on his face was about 300% more than ours. And who is that one who just agreed to it without permission?
What about my intentions? I’m being ignoring and the surroundings are getting excited. Is this a violation of human rights? Are they bullying me? Impossible. I have to go back to the forest.
“How about we play 3 vs 3? There’s also Ito from the basketball team in this class.” (Himura)
“What? Oh, Ito, I didn’t know you were in this class!” (Yuki)
“My presence is……” (Ito)
Reluctantly, Ito from the basketball team comes over. He is a classmate, but he is not that good. He is a classmate, but I don’t know him that well. I still couldn’t remember his name. Oh, so his name is Hayato Ito!
“Please do it without me.……” (Yuki)
I muttered without effort.
The group chat on my phone is in high spirits. For some reason, this mysterious group is where my brother’s information is being reported all the time. I don’t know why this kind of group was created, I use it because it’s convenient, but my brother himself doesn’t know anything about it. It was an unauthorized account.
“That boy is…… again!”(Yuri)
Since that one incident, my brother has become hot topic to discuss, and his name has become so prominent that even the second grade class has heard of him. In a way, he might be the most famous person in the school. If he wasn’t, there wouldn’t be a group like this. More and more of my classmates were joining this group. Apparently, he was going to have an after-school game with the captain of the basketball team. Why can’t he just be quiet?
I whisper to myself without anyone asking. He quit playing basketball in junior high school. He doesn’t seem to have any particular attachment to it now. I wondered why he was in this situation, even though he now claimed to be a homecoming club member.
Is he going to be okay? Is he involved in some kind of trouble? There’s no end to my worries. Hmmm, it’s funny, isn’t it? What do I have to worry about now? I’m not qualified to do that, am I?
Self-mockery spilled out.
That’s right, since that time, I’ve lost all such qualifications.
“I hate you so much! You should just disapear!” (Yuri)
I pushed my brother off the playground equipment at the park. I didn’t know what I was saying at that time, but I acted on my emotions at the time, I felt a raw sensation. The hand that was holding my brother’s hand was separated and his body was thrown into the air. The way he looked at me made me ask, “Why?” His eyes were staring at me. “Why are you doing this to me?”
“Because I hate you!” (Yuri)
I shouted, unable to stand it any longer. A few moments later, I heard a dull thud. Blood was flowing from his forehead. Human blood is so red and beautiful. A scene so detached from my sense of reality. However, I came back to myself when I saw my brother who had fallen down and was not moving at all.
What did I just do? I couldn’t believe my own actions. I didn’t want to admit what had happened as a result. I was sure that I had just killed my brother with my own hands.
Fear came over me. Wanting to deny the reality, I ran away from the scene.
And my brother never came back.
I loved my brother. Since my mother was busy with her work, I took care of my brother more and more. My brother was very serious and not a handful. He was also very fond of me. That may have put our mother’s mind at ease. However, I am still a child. I’m only one year older than my younger brother. I’m just an immature child after all.
I spent more and more time with my brother, and we played together more and more. It was not difficult, but it was also a time when I began to build my own bond with him. The awakening of my ego came. My world was rapidly expanding. In the midst of all this, it became a burden to be constantly with my brother.
My mother was always concerned about my brother. This may have cast a shadow on my mind. Looking back on it now, it was never like that, but in the end I guess I was hungry for affection too. I was feeling lonely, and so was he. One day, I was playing with my best friend Maki-chan. My brother was there, too.
Maki-chan was an only child. I guess that’s why she longed for a brother and sister. She loved my little brother very much. A feeling of alienation came over me. I felt possessive that he is my brother, and ugly jealousy that my brother has taken my best friend. Maki is my best friend! These complicated feelings are mixed together. One day when I was going home with my brother without being able to sustain my emotions, it happened.
I let my feelings out. My mind and body was hurting, and it’s too much. It’s not just terrible. How can I deny that I did not intend to kill him? It was not an act that could be forgiven because he was a child. My brother didn’t come home. My anxiety swelled. Even though it was my fault, I did it, I couldn’t get rid of the image of my brother in my mind.
It was six days later when my brother came back.
No, he didn’t come back. I got a call from the police. I had told my mother everything. There was no way I could hide it. I went to the park as fast as I could, but there was no sign of my brother. Maybe he was on his way home. I waited for him, but he never came back. The next day, I filed a search report with the police, and it was hell for me until they called me to check on him. But the real hell started after that.
My brother who was found was very exhausted. They don’t know how he got there, but he was found in the next town. His forehead was injured and his bones were cracked. I’ve done this to my brother! I was tormented by the tremendous regret. My brother looked at me with his dark eyes and said in a hoarse voice.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t disappear…….” (Yuki)
What? You’re out of your mind! This is crazy! I’m the one who should apologize, you did nothing wrong! A flood of emotions swamped my words, and I couldn’t say anything. It’s not just the injury. So it’s my fault that Yukito didn’t come back? Was it because I told him to disappear? Is that why you tried to disappear?
Naturally, I was angry. But my angry mother was crying as she hugged me. It was more painful than simply being angry.
But at that time, I still didn’t understand the meaning of my brother’s words.
My brother tried to disappear from my sight. I took it literally as it was meant to be. I had taken it lightly, thinking that he would simply be gone for few hours. I felt so bad that I pushed him away. No matter how much I grieve and regret it, it is not something that can be forgiven. But that was still the extent of my perception.
As a child, I did not truly understand. When was the timing? It doesn’t matter. But when I grew up and understood human “death”, everything changed.
My brother was about to die. He wasn’t going to be gone from me. He was leaving this world. That’s why he never came back. I don’t think my brother himself understood death. But he may have sensed it instinctively. In fact, if we had found him one more day later, he might have died. Or if he had fallen off the playground equipment and hit the wrong spot, he could have died instantly.
When I realized this, I turned white from fear. I had tried to kill my brother. I tried to take away his life out of temporary emotion. When he came back, he had changed completely. He never held my hand again. He never hugged me again. The little brother who used to follow behind me, smiling and calling me “onee-chan”, had disappeared. Since then, he has never called me onee-chan.
No suprise, I tried to kill my brother. He doesn’t know when I will strike again. So, there was no way he could approach me carelessly. There was no way he could get along with someone who had just tried to kill him… But there was no fear in my brother’s eyes. That baffled me again. It would be easier to understand if he was scared. But his reaction was so different, as if he had lost something, as if he was broken.
I apologized again and again. I repeated my apologies. Every time I dreamed about that day, every time I saw my brother broken body, I couldn’t help but apologize. But it was too late. No matter how much I apologized, my brother would never understand. An apology is a way to ask for forgiveness. It is only when you tell the other person that you were wrong and they are angry with you that you can resolve your differences. Otherwise, you can’t move forward.
But my brother was not angry at anything. He had forgiven me from the beginning. No matter how many apologies I made to him, he has forgiven me, it doesn’t make sense. No matter how many times I told him I was sorry and that it was my fault, it would not work if he tolerated it. It’s as if he lost the emotion of anger.
He forgave me, but I can’t help it if I apologize when he is not angry. My brother kept forgiving me every time I apologized. So it always ends there. Nothing changes. I can’t change it. You can’t bring back something that is broken. No matter how much I wanted to go back to the way things were, my brother, who had forgiven me, would never go back to the way things were.
I wanted to be condemned, I wanted to be accused of what I did and why. I wanted to tell him how I really felt, to cry and apologize, to tell him that I really loved him, and to make him my brother whole again.
After that, my brother just got worse and worse. Every time something happened, it seemed as if he was losing something. It’s as if he’s losing his emotions one by one.……
Then I realized.
–Then… What would happen if he lost all his emotions?
I remember the conversation I had with him when I called him. He told me to wait until I was out of high school. Wait for what? That’s obvious. That guy is probably going to disappear from my life. Maybe I’ll never see him again. Besides, if he has lost the feeling of “fear”, he might easily choose death without hesitation. Even now, my words from that day are driven into my brother’s heart as a wedge. I can’t pull it out. I can’t help him if I can’t touch his heart.
So I looked to others. Because there was someone who could do it. But it was a failure. In fact, it ended up hurting him more. I shouldn’t have relied on them.
I don’t want to go back to the way things were. Still, I will try to save my brother somehow. I have to do it. No one else, but me. I’ll protect him this time. I will never betray him again.
“A basketball game…… doesn’t sound like the kind of thing he wants to do.” (Yuri)
What kind of change of heart has occurred? I will not miss any sign, any little change, anything about my brother. I will never let him out of my sight again. I let go of his hand once. After that, I couldn’t connect with him again. If I take my eyes off him again, I’m sure I won’t be able to see him anymore.
I wondered if I should pack some towels and a sports drink. I felt like I might have that on me, but I couldn’t help but do something anyway. When I was in junior high school, my brother was really good looking when he was playing basketball. Maybe I would get to see him like that again. I decided to wait for after school, nervously…
1. I’m pretty sure this is a club not 100% sure
Ed- hello editor here, We finally got some backstory on what happened between Yuki and his sister and I got to say wow Yuki really can’t catch a break I loved this chapter but as usual if there are any mistakes or errors please comment down below if you see them ALSO please put which paragraph you found the mistake please but other than that I hope you enjoyed chapter 15 of the series :)