Translated and Edited by: luccayn.
-san: A polite suffix, but not excessively formal.
-kun: A common suffix among friends and younger people.
-chan: A common suffix among people you’re close with, mostly used for feminine nicknames and girls, since it’s cutesy and childlike.
-senpai: A common suffix and noun used to address or refer to one’s older or more senior colleagues in a school, workplace, dojo, or sports club.
T/N: You weren’t bamboozled, it was in the synopsis. They really are a duo of weirdos lol. Enjoy!
“So, we’re the goddesses of this land~ ♡”
“This is my first time seeing a male worshipper. Ehehe, I’m getting excited~ ♡”
The two girls cooed with sultry voices, jokingly or otherwise. Their wounds might as well have never existed, and they both looked pleased with themselves and their antics. It was just so weird seeing them heal with a mere touch of my hand. By the way, seeing their bruises playback in time was gruesome, to say the least. I had no idea watching lacerations and fully exposed muscles wriggling back to their places would be such a stomach-bending task.
Urgh, just thinking back to their crushed eyes slowly crawling back to their sockets was traumatizing. It was even harder because I’m weak to the grotesque… Here I stand, about to cry from all the crazy crap that just happened, and they’re both just saying whatever.
“Uhehehe… I’ve never felt the touch of a man before~ Touching a goddess’s face is befitting of punishment, is it not? Ehehehe~ I wonder if I’ll have to take you to the grave along with me? Oh, and by the way, you mister have no right to question it! This is god’s punishment!”
Smiling and laughing, the cat-like shortie tried to get me to “take responsibility” and marry her, though, weren’t they the ones who asked me to touch them? So unreasonable.
“I can’t believe you could touch me so tenderly after such an unsightly view… I have no choice but to give you my most precious thing of all; come on, let’s lay out a futon!”
The raven-haired girl, too, said things with barely any logic and tried to throw her chastity at me. You should take better care of yourself, you know?
“Too heavy! Shu-chan, what you just said was too heavy! Don’t do it again, or I’m sure you’ll end up actually losing it!” The shortie intervened.
“W, why can’t I do it too, huh?! You said something similar just now!”
“Look, everyone knows I’m cute and pretty, so my jokes are easy to see through! Nobody laughs when someone with dead fish, sanpaku eyes like yours jokes around!”
The black-haired girl panicked at the shortie, but neither seemed like jokes to me. At all.
“A, am I not cute enough for it?”
“I mean, when your pupils get small like that, it’s like you’re eyeing a prey… Almost as if you’re a predator.”
“T, that’s… H, how…?”
“So, why don’t you get some b****t implants on your board? Wouldn’t that make you feel a bit more motherly?”
Aaand cat-face said something unnecessary. With that one phrase, the whole air changed.
“…Surely you didn’t mean what you said about chests, right?”
“Yup. Our big difference is the bazookas, the badonk-a-doinks!” She then rubbed her own breasts with a wide smile on her face, unworried about the glare of the raven girl. With the objective of stirring her even more, she emphasized the difference between them both.
As a result, I could feel a ripple of lightning fizzle between the two.
“Before you say anything about breasts, you should pay attention to your hair, Tama-chan.”
Not something to stir up another fight, please…
“I’m not gonna say where, Tama-chan, but it’s not just messy. It’s a god-damn forest, so please, take proper care of it, okay?”
For a second, the cat face didn’t understand quite what she meant. The second she did, though, she grit her teeth in pure frustration.
“…Don’t say that.”
Just when I thought she’d keep her mutterings down low, she suddenly got teary-eyed and started screaming loudly.
“Don’t say that! I ain’t got no hair! None! It’s smooth as it gets, you hear me! —I mean, why are you even bringing this stuff up in front of this mister over here?! Stop it, you’re giving me some bad rep! Urgh, he’ll end up thinking I’m hairy—!”
“B, but you started it… Stop being mean…”
The other one flinched and started muttering before raising her voice.
“There are people that like small breasts and stern eyes, okay?! They’ll go as far as to say they love these things! I’m not lacking in anything, so f*ck you! Also, no man likes a hairy woman, so just stop with this crap!”
N, no, I mean, there’s someone out there somewhere that likes hairy women, you know? As I was thinking about that, the black-haired girl turned around and grabbed me with a devilish expression on her face.
“T, that’s not true! Shu-chan is just saying that on her own!” The cat-like girl tried to argue. “Look, look at my arms! They’re smooth, aren’t they? I don’t have any hair, I swear… I, I really don’t… P, please stop looking at me like that… Hic!”
Sorry, I erm… I just don’t know what kind of face to make, I thought to myself.
“Huh, what? Are you really crying over that? S, sorry, I said too much…”
Not expecting her to break down, the raven girl tried to desperately appease the cat one. However, she was helpless in doing that and occasionally turned around to me as if asking for help. They should just stop cursing each other’s bodies. No one will end up happy in the end.
Well, I do have something more important to ask them.
“Oh? What is it? Is there something you wish to ask me? Feel free to ask me anything, handsome~ ♡”
The tall one brushed off cat-face and tried to give me some cutesy upturned eyes. Wasn’t that too fast a switch though? The girl that got blown away is still crying over there, you know?
And I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I don’t think that’s the type of thing you should be doing given your appearance. Cute is cute, but it just doesn’t vibe well with your, well, vibe. Look, you’re a pretty girl, so just focus on your strengths.
“Hic! Shu-chan, you should stop acting like a cute girl… Look, mister is getting scared of you over there.”
Don’t say it. It’s not something to be expressed… Moreover, don’t just utter that with a straight face.
“Huh? For real?” Look, now she’s upset. “Aw, stop with the jokes, Tama-chan!” She then turned to me and said, “She’s wrong, right?”
Meanwhile, I’m still so flabbergasted at this whole exchange that I can’t even form words. Even though she was a bit hopeful, upon seeing my weirded-out face, she realized everything, bit her lip, clenched her fists, and started crying quietly just like some lost girl.
Sorry, it seems it showed on my face… And she was so confident before…
Looking at the situation, it was just weird and sad. Why do these two not do anything but drag each other down with insults and aggression? The sight of the two crying over it was just miserable if a bit heartbreaking.
Are these two really goddesses?
In desperation, I picked myself up and called out to both of them, saying each was beautiful in its own way. Normally, I would be killed for sexual harassment if I so much as gave the idea of a compliment to a girl, but it was the only thing I could come up with in this bizarre situation.
“Oh, really? I’m happy~! You’re not lying, right? Right? …It’s really true, isn’t it? Please don’t say you’re lying, because I’m not going to accept any right now. I won’t tolerate tomfoolery. Complimenting me is the same as asking for my hand in marriage, you know? It’s courtship after all. If you’ve said all that, you’ll take responsibility, won’t you? You will take it, right?” She looked straight into my eyes. “You see that? It’s our child. His name is Tamasuke, so let’s start a family! A happy family! Please. Please. Please. Please…”
“Ohoho? Tama, you’re too excited. By bringing up marriage all of a sudden, he’d get surprised for sure! A lady should have proper poise. —Oh, but in the meantime dear, where shall we go for our honeymoon? I wish to visit a nice place with a view of the ocean. Ah~ ♡ I can feel him kicking around in my belly~ ♡ I think he wants to see the sea too! Let’s make memories together, us three, ehehehe…”
The effect was amazing, for lack of a better word. Even though both were crying hard over their insults seconds ago, they did the quickest 180 I’d ever seen.
Disregard that, how can we even have a normal conversation with these two over the moon like that? I mean, I have to ask them something.
“Really, I’m sorry.”
After a few moments, I managed to calm both of them down. The way the two bowed and apologized wasn’t auspicious or even god-like.
“Hey, we’re really goddesses! We didn’t lie! Stop doubting us like that, hmph!”
How can you even say that after everything you both just did?
But hey… I don’t really have any proof of denial, just their stupid antics. Their beauty is indeed transcendent of human standards, and they are both still slightly transparent.
Apart from all of that, it’s nice to finally be able to have a conversation with a girl. As far as I could see, none of them showed any signs of gating my very existence. Does being a god make you open-minded or something?
I’m just happy to finally hold a proper chat with a woman despite every weird thing they did. Just thinking back to every bad interaction and comparing it to now makes me want to cry.
“Open-minded? Stupid antics? What do you mean?”
The black-haired one, which had been behind me for quite some time now, answered my muttering. Oh crap, she heard me… It’s embarrassing to be heard talking to myself. A bit flustered, I then thanked the two girls.
“H, huh? Why am I being thanked all of a sudden?”
She was confused. Hmm? It seems we aren’t on the same page after all.
“Heyyy! Shu-chan! What are you doing with your right hand, huh?”
As I was mulling everything over, the cat-like one shouted at us. Reflexively, I turned around just to see the tall one’s hand reaching for my butt. She didn’t pay any mind and started stroking my a*s.
Hey, what are you doing?
“I, it’s not that…! This is, this is, erm… An investigation! Yeah! You can touch us, and that’s been proven, so I just wanted to make sure it worked the other way around! Yup doesn’t work. Now I know I can’t touch you!”
Even as she plead her case, her hands didn’t stop squeezing what should be my bottom. She kneaded it as much as she could in that short span of time. Also, it didn’t have to be my butt, did it?
Despite that, she was right. There was no feeling of someone squeezing my cheeks. but rather a sensation of something passing through, almost like a chill or an evil spirit.
“What are you doing? You can’t do that, Shu-chan! —Get outta the way, I’m next! It’s my turn, mine! Ha-ha-ha!” A second evil spirit got close to me, her eyes bloodshot.
“You won’t get away with this, b*tch! I’ll defend his a*s to the death, you hear me? Ha-ha-ha!”
Even if you two really are gods, stop with the weird behavior… Also, I wonder what’s fun in touching a guy’s a*s like mine? When I see her hands trying to cling onto my cheeks, a smile spreading across her face, I felt something indescribable.
What the hell is this… It’s just so pathetic it makes my heart tighten with cringe. At best, I get chills on my butt, so I just left them doing whatever they were doing as it wasn’t affecting me. Meanwhile, cat-face got confused.
“W, what~? I’m touching your cheeks and you’re… not mad at me?”
You haven’t touched them once. Both of you.
“Huh? It’s true you haven’t been touched, but don’t you hate it? Psychologically, I mean… I was expecting some kind of reaction, but in hindsight, aren’t we both doing some pretty nasty things to you?” She continued.
If you know what you’re doing, just stop.
I mean, it’s weird, but not to the point of rejection… If someone really did touch me like that, I wouldn’t think anything of it. Do you two even enjoy it in the first place?
“It’s so much fun! …Wait, wait, why are you so forgiving? Wouldn’t one usually dislike such things? Do you not have the concept of chastity, governor?! Oh, I see, you’re a man-wh*re! Such an innocent looking one at that!” She paused. “Hmm, I can forgive you.”
Now you’re just being rude…
Somehow, or maybe it’s just my imagination, but I guess gods and humans have different values or something? Are they maybe ignorant of the mortal realm below? With that in mind, I tried to explain the current world situation to them.
“I’m aware of all that. Rather, could you tell me more about yourself? I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, but don’t you lack a bit of common sense in some areas? Are you not a member of the royal family?”
“No way I’m royalty or something like that. I’m just your average joe.”
“What kind of life do you have to live to think it’s okay for someone else to just touch you like that? Oh, you must be s*xually promiscuous every day! –Ooh, tell me the deets! Teach your techniques on me!”
Urgh, just the image of what she suggested is enough to make me cringe. I could never live like that. I don’t even have a partner, seeing as every woman I’ve ever met hated my guts.
“Hmm? Could you say that again?” She caught my mumbling.
The black-haired one turned to me with a confused look on her face. Huh? Was she confused about the image making me sick?
“Not that, I mean the other thing. Did you really say that women hate you?”
“They hate me to the point where I can’t even have a conversation with them,” I explained.
“Huh? Not even small talk…? What did you even do to deserve that?”
“Have you crossed women before or something?”
Cat-face! You’ve been quite rude to me for a bit, pull yourself together!
I didn’t want them to get the wrong idea, so I explained my current situation. I told them about how I lost my job, how I got kicked out of my house, and even about my daily life.
“What were they thinking by kicking you out…? What sort of thought process even leads to that conclusion?”
“T, they fired a boy as handsome as you, mister? Why were you even working there in the first place?”
“It was all for living expenses… Stop looking at me as if it’s something unbelievable.”
“B, but it is… Are you kidding me?!”
“For some reason, you don’t believe me. It’s aggravating to be told I’m lying when I’m actually not. The two of you are goddesses, but lack common sense, it seems.”
“Wait a sec! I know we don’t have common sense, but what you just said is obviously crazy! Where in the world does a woman bully a man so harshly?”
“You know what’s crazier? Being transparent and healing life-threatening injuries with the touch of a hand. C’mon now. Every single woman I’ve ever seen has hated me for 20 years of my life. I do have a track record, and I trust it.”
“T, twenty years…? Y, yeah, I can’t believe it indeed. Isn’t there some kind of mistake at play here?”
Cat-face couldn’t believe me at all.
“I don’t want you to deny my experiences. If you’re going that far, why don’t I show you my everyday life? You’ll see that what I’m saying is true then.”
“It must be a lie! I don’t understand why anyone would ever hate you, mister! There’s no merit in it!”
“I don’t know either, you tell me.”
“S, Shu-chan, say something!”
She felt pressed and begged the other one for help. When prodded, the raven girl put a finger to her lips and mumbled something.
The cat one called out again, but she did not respond. Instead, she squinted her stern eyes and grinned.
“Indeed you are right, the women in your life are all violent as you said. It’s unbearable to live among such savages, so I’ll protect you! I’ll be literally your guardian deity! Leave it all up to me: Shu!”
“Hey, what are you… Ah!”
The shortie also seemed to have realized something.
“It’s too late to deny it now. I’ve already taken your word for it. Ohohoho! I’ll never leave your side. Never!”
Basically, it didn’t matter to them whether what I said was true or not. Since I revealed women don’t like me, they’re going to haunt me under the guise of “protection,” and that they’ll never let me go.
“You two don’t believe me, do you? I’m talking about women hating me here.”
“I, I do! You have a point, mister! You can’t help it, so I’ll protect you too! We’ll be together forever, and ever, and ever!”
That cat-like girl flipped out as well, going against everything she’s said just before.
“Hey, don’t imitate me! Who will protect the temple if you’re gone as well?”
“No clue! What’s the use in protecting land that no one has come to for the past 300 years?! Thanks to that, I’ve lost all of my faith power! If you’re so concerned about it then, you should stay and guard!”
“Whaaaat? I came forward first, remember? Why should I be the one to stay behind?”
“Sorry~! Only one of us can possess the mister over here. See you next time, Shu-chan!”
“No, you’re staying! Aaaaargh!”
They started fighting again.
To be honest, though, I was glad they offered help. It was nice to have someone by my side with whom I could hold a decent, humane conversation. I had to go back home at least once, so it was reassuring in a sense.
Watching the two gawking and giggling made me smile for the first time in a long, long time…
When was the last time I had such a hearty time?
T/N: Damn, dude got so abused he doesn’t think anything when somebody touches him. All in all, I liked this chapter. Despite being crazy, the two girls are a good change of pace in the hellish life that the MC leads.
Now the plot starts moving!
Thank you for reading! Feel free to comment your opinions below!
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