I don’t feel like doing anything.
But if I don’t do something, I feel like I’m going crazy.
It’s still better during the day because I still have club activities, but it’s worst when I’m holed up alone in my room at night. I find myself shedding tears and enduring nausea that rises up from the pit of my stomach all the time, which has become my daily routine.
I couldn’t even sleep properly because when I closed my eyes, the sex between Hazuki and Kouki would play over and over in my head.
I hate them. I never want to forgive them for betraying me. But that doesn’t mean I can’t think of a way to get revenge. I don’t want to kill them or bring others into it. So I could only reject them in defiance at the very least.
I’d rather erase the memories of those two people than do that now. I want those painful memories to disappear right now. I don’t want to think about them anymore. It’s killing me even more.
About five days after Hazuki and I broke up and I was no longer in a proper state of mind, I collapsed during club practice.
“Yuu-kun, are you okay?”
Apparently, I was carried to the infirmary.
I looked next to me and saw Kanade looking at me with a worried look on her face.
“I’m sorry. There’s no way you’re okay, is it? Yuu-kun, are you by any chance not sleeping at night? You seem to have lost some weight since then.”
“I’m sorry for worrying you. I’m fine.”
When I forced a smile, Kanade looked pained and muttered a single word, “Lie”. For some reason, that one word irks me unnecessarily, and I say in a cold voice, “Wa….”.
Kanade’s shoulders shook for a moment, but then she looked at me as if she had made up her mind.
“It’s a lie that Yuu-kun is okay. I can see that from your eyes. Even now, he’s enduring a lot of pain. How can you be okay after what happened? I know that you are a kind person, but there is no way that you can move on so easily, and I know that you didn’t go out with Hazuki-chan with such a light heart. I know that Yuu-kun is pushing himself too hard.”
“……Do you understand how I feel?”
“……… What does Kanade know about me? The girl I grew up with and loved more than anyone else was taken from me by the guy I thought was my best friend. What do you know about how I feel?”
I found myself raising my voice loudly. Kanade’s eyes widened and she clenched her teeth as if she was holding something back.
“She’s been cheating on me. She’s been deceiving me for a long, long time. I thought she loved me. I was mistaken. I was nothing more than a diversion so that she could have a good time with me sexually. What the hell? What the hell did I do?”
“Hey, Kanade. Tell me something. When I shut my eyes, the images of that time are projected in front of me. That’s why I’m so afraid to close my eyes now. I wonder what I can do to stop these images from playing. What can I do to forget?”
I was crying. I was sobbing. I had unilaterally given out my feelings to the innocent Kanade. What a lousy person I am. I was so sad that I had to lash out at Kanade who had supported me so much.
The whole time she had been silent, she stood up and hugged me, wrapping her head gently around my head.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that I could understand you so lightly. I didn’t understand how hard it was for Yuu-kun at all. I hurt you by saying it so carelessly as if I understood you.”
“I…no, no, no. I’m the one who…”
“I’ve been watching the two of you from behind. I thought I knew how much Yuu-kun liked Hazuki-chan. But you’re right. It’s impossible not to suffer after being shown something like that.”
Kanade laughed to herself, saying, “Well, it’s my fault that you saw it …….”
“I’m not a hypnotist, so I can’t erase memories with a flick of my hand. But I can’t abandon Yuu-kun who is suffering. I thought that when he collapsed, but now that I’ve heard how he feels, I feel that way even more. It may be a little too much to ask, but I’m going to invite Yuu-kun out so much that he won’t even have time to suffer.”
“……What are you saying, Kanade?”
“The only thing I can do is support Yuu-kun. After club activities and on weekends, I will invite Yuu-kun out in the morning and make him so tired that he can’t think about anything else. Also, doing something fun will lighten your mood and maybe even put your mind at ease.”
Kanade spoke to me, smiled, and said so. Kanade’s eyes were red and bloodshot, and there were traces of tears on her cheeks.
“But if you think I’m annoying, of course, I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do. Because I told you that time, right? I’m on your side no matter what. So, if you want, maybe we can stop by on the way home from club activities together starting today?”
I was happy with Kanade’s sentiment, but at the same time, I was too depressed at my own inadequacy.
“It’s no good, Yuu-kun. It may be hard now, but you have to picture doing something fun with me.”
“Haha, Kanade sees through everything, doesn’t she?”
“That’s right. I’m also Yuu-kun’s childhood friend and an important person. So, how about it? Will you play with me from today?”
“Thank you. I’m going to ask you for it. Kanade, please play a lot with me from now on.”
“Yes, that’s good!”
Kanade hugs me with a big smile on her face and pats my head. I was a little embarrassed, but for the first time in a long time, I felt at peace and surrendered myself to Kanade.